A Babbling Banshee

What're you looking at?

2010-11-29T21:18:00.000-08:00

What DO you want?!

I am trying to nap!

And stop with the inane giggling...

It's Love

2010-11-22T21:34:00.000-08:00

I luvs mah snuggie! I luvs it so- zzzzz.....

Ahhhhhh...

Halloween Costume

2010-11-03T08:31:00.000-07:00

We had a lot of fun at the Davis Graveyard Halloween party this year - thank you Frog Queen for the invitation!

We always have a great time at the party but this year was particularly fun because myself and my guests were able to coordinate a group costume.

That and I was able to successfully beat InDesign into submission.

I know, I know, two coups for one event, I will never be this lucky again!

I and my guests number six and we all decided that it would be lovely to dress as a team. During the brainstorming session, my Sweetie suggested the idea of a swim team and thus our costume idea was born.

It was such an tantalizing idea! We would become a cohesive unit working together to accomplish one goal. If one of us wasn't working his or her tail off, he or she would be there to support the others; cheering the rest on to victory...um, party victory...or in this case, inebriation.

As you know, every team needs a mascot and our team was no exception. And so, mustering all of my clever design skills and my astute drawing capab- a-ha-ha-ha! I crack myself up sometimes! I sat down and scribbled out a mascot and then spent the next two or three days screaming at my computer in the hopes that it would play nice and give me a descent logo that we could use for our costume.

At long last, our mascot and logo was designed and in a suitable file format. We gazed upon our mascot and felt a new sense of camaraderie that we had not felt before. Though we were already friends, we became a machine, working together for the greater good. We were in this together to accomplish our goal. We ordered our sweat clothes and coordinated meeting times with a new sense of vigor.

Were we an Olympic grade team? Who knows, but someone made gold shiny medals for everyone to wear. Her efforts helped exemplify that although we physically did not have gold Olympic medals, our mental state achieved platinum.

We gathered before the party to review our strategies and iron the logos onto our sweat clothes thus providing the feather in our caps before the big night.

Why all this effort over a swim team? Because on that night, we represented one of the most important swim teams know to man.

I should probably introduce you to our mascot. Meet Herm the Sperm!

Oh, did I mention we dressed as the Fallopian Swim Team? The blue logos were for the boys and the pink logos were for the girls.

And a big thank you to Mark for the mascot's name - it really suits him! I love the way it just rolls off my tong- um, it sounds great!

We were even good enough to qualify for sponsorship this year! Look at all the wonderful sponsors we scored!

The list of sponsors might look a little suspicious...like I randomly grabbed some of the logos off the internet and slapped them together but I can assure you that each of these logos were arranged in InDesign with the utmost care.

And many shameful naughty little words.

Ack!

2010-10-31T15:40:00.000-07:00

The plague, the plague, I have the pla-

Okay, okay, I have a cold...so, ack!

Of course I really won't start feeling better until the political ads stop.

And She's Back

2010-10-19T06:47:00.000-07:00

Wow, it was July...and now it's October...

Where is my time going?

Killing zombies again? Me? No, I haven't killed zombies in a week...well, maybe a little on Friday but only Friday...oh, and for a short time on Saturday. I only killed a few zombies on Saturday.

Mind you, I did go to that wedding ceremony awhile back. I have to admit that my schedule was a tad crazy in September for that thing. And my poor Sweetie actually married me...I don't know WHAT he was thinking (I know I wouldn't have married me if I were him). Oh well, live and learn I guess.

Anyway, my Sweetie and I are now hitched. I know that I am hitched because I have tons of tiny little bars of soap in my cupboard as evidence.

Yep.

Little soaps.

And thank you Mr. Golden Nugget for all of them. A girl can't help but know that she's truly married until she gazes into her cupboard and sees THAT many miniature soaps staring back at her. Of course this means that I will need to buy soap next month but for now, my supply is good.

Tons of soap isn't the only evidence of my marriage. For example, I have new home address I can never remember and I have a strange man who wanders around the house clad only in sweaty-pants. I also received my copy of the super secret guide book that is standard issue for all married couples in the world. Of course, I am referring to the Everything You Need to Know About Him, the Dog, You, Cooking with Small and Disgruntled Appliances, How to Organize the Perfect House, Gardening for Idiots and Light Household Repairs that Make Sense and Actually Work.

I hope to receive my copy of Nefarious Smells and Their Meaning soon. It should be an invigorating read.

Oh! And I have a ring. I did receive a wedding band from the ceremony (though for a short time in Las Vegas, I wasn't sure if I was going to receive my wedding band because my Sweetie began to request things including a sparkly tiara and a full bouquet of flowers). I was able to wrestle my nosegay out of his hands briefly to walk down the aisle with my father but it disappeared soon after. I swear I heard someone singing "I Feel Pretty" from the West Side Story. It's a great song but it isn't meant for a tenor voice. I'm not saying that the singing sounded bad, I'm just saying that the voice sounded strained for the "See the pretty girl in that mirror there..." section of the song.

So anyway, I'm back...I think...at least I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere and I hope all of you had a wonderful summer.

Dreams and Schemes

2010-07-18T20:01:00.000-07:00

Wow, where'd the time go? Isn't it still June? No?

It's JULY?! Crap...

I think "Left 4 Dead 2" should come with a warning label that says, "This video game is crack. Your eyeballs will dry out, your dog will hate you and the ice cream in your bowl will not only melt but also grow fuzzy as it sits there and waits for you to finish your stupid game."

I still have quite a few things on my "To Do" list to finish up although I did replace my dying cell phone and I mailed out my wedding invitations. I also got me my own URL because I am strange. Besides being strange, I also fight with Blogger everytime I compose a blog entry. After much thought, I decided to spend a little money to save some frustrations.

Stupid video game. Now want to shoot any child that is crying because he or she could be a witch...not a good urge to have...I think parents frown upon that kind of thing nowadays.

So hopefully I will be blogging more and shooting fewer dead people.

It is fun to watch the body parts fly though.

Parawhat?

2010-05-12T23:37:00.000-07:00

Television is great; commercials are great. They teach you about the world and about people sitting next to you on the couch.

For example, my Sweetie and I were watching an ITT Technical Institute commercial about different educational programs they provide. He sat transfixed as the background music accompanied the sprightly yet official sounding voice over.

“We have a paralegal program.” The ethereal voice chimed. “Our paralegal program is goooood. You will love, love, looooooove our paralegal program. Paralegaaaaaaaaaal.”

I think that’s how the commercial went.

Anyway, while the commercial pixie droned on and on about “paralegal, paralegaaaaaaal…” my Sweetie turned to me and stated that he wasn’t too sure about studying for the paralegal program but he was pretty sure he wanted to study for the paraboob program.

Knowing the fickleness of some of these academic programs, I had to ask if he had a backup plan should he not qualify for the paraboob studies. He thought about this for a moment and after scratching his…um…private…uh, uniquely male tender bits stated that, “should I not be accepted into the paraboob program, I will apply for the paraofnuts program.”

This made perfect sense (always helps to have a backup plan in the realm of academia).

I am comfortable with all of this as long as he doesn’t go gallivanting across the country to become au pair for a pair of nuts.

Stupid pair of dangling nuts, I’m going to have to put my foot down on that…or up and then down…or something…

Of course at the conclusion of this discussion, I had to bow my head in respect for the angel who lost his or her wings. Sweetie, you really should be more careful of your…uh, “actions.”

Lesson Learned

2010-05-10T23:10:00.000-07:00

The Boston Terrier is brave and bold little dog but what happens when a person takes said brave and bold little dog through a car wash?

Apparently that brave little dog begins to shiver. She also wants to snuggle (presumably this is a very brave form of shivering and snuggling).

And so, Puppy Daddy learned a valuable lesson that day: never again would he take the brave and bold Boston Terrier to the car wash and they all lived happily ever after.

poor lil' Sally.

Might be worth it to buy one of these kits (I've actually used the Mr. Clean - it wasn't bad. The dog stared at me contentedly from the yard while gnawing on her bone):

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Sad Day

2010-05-06T23:21:00.000-07:00

Tuesday was a sad day for the family. After fourteen years of running, jumping, chewing and shedding, we finally lost the German shepherd to old age. As part of the family, she wore many hats and performed her duties admirably. Thankfully she entertained us while entertaining herself.

Here is a brief list of some of the hats she wore (and chewed) in the family. For she was a:

A puller of plants. When she was a puppy, she pulled out all of the corn stalks from the garden and had a great time dragging them around the yard. She finally dropped the battered stalks when she decided to take a nap.

A pruner of bushes. She destroyed two azalea bushes by pruning them down to the ground. The third and final azalea was able to survive because it was enclosed by a five foot high fence. It took time for my brothers to learn about the importance and versatility of fences during the early years. Once they learned about fences, they were able to use this knowledge to save numerous plants as well as furniture.

A chaser of the light. This dog would chase a laser light for hours while carrying a squeak toy in her mouth. When the laser light failed to move for five seconds, she would aggressively squeak her toy at it until it began to move again.

A lover of cheese. Her love of the laser light was only surpassed by her love of cheese, specifically Tillamook Cheese. At least she was a dog that appreciated good cheese.

A stealer of toys. When proud parents brought their babies over to the house, she would sneak over to the baby carrier and then snatch all of the kids’ plush toys.

A shedder of much fur. Only a chow would have more fur on its body and it would also be more discreet during the shedding process.

Another thought that comes to mind is that this strange dog would carry her stuffed toys around in her mouth. The fact that she carried stuffed toys in her mouth was not strange in and of itself but the fact that she always carried them by their butts was a tad disturbing. My brothers explained this behavior by stating “The best meat is in the rump.” We will miss you Maggie.

Correction III

2010-05-03T23:48:00.000-07:00

You know I really thought I got this right one but to no avail…(sigh)…I mean, for Pete’s sake, I was a music major, I really thought I aced this one. Now I don’t know what to think so I’m going to lay out all of the options.

On May 2nd, I described how my Sweetie, after we paint the town red, changes into a pair of sweat pants and then shuffles about in his house while singing his favor sweat pants theme song. Like a wire brush applied to the snare drum in a jazz trio, his baggy pants gently swish about his legs as he sings his vibrantly little tune.

My Sweetie was quite upset with my writing. It turns out that the lyrics I used to represent his favorite little song were utterly and incomprehensibly wrong.

How could I be so careless? How could I do such a thing? I’ve described my Sweetie at the height of bliss scurrying about his living room in a pair of black baggy pants with stripes down the side and I recklessly threw the wrong words in his mouth.

I used “Swea-ty paaants, swea-ty paaants.” He claims that it should be “Sweat-ty paaants. Sweat-ty paaants.”

I’m not sure what I should use so here are a few more options:

“SweaTy paaants, sweaty paaants.”

"Sweat-tee paaants, sweat-tee paaants.”

“Sweat-Tee paaants, sweat-Tee paaants.”

And there is also, “Swe-Tee paaants, swe-Tee pants.”

One reason I am slightly confused by the pronunciation is that it changes depending on the number of drinks we have consumed during the evenings activities. My ears must be getting a bit sloshed.

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How does he do that?

2010-05-02T23:17:00.000-07:00

I realized last week that I’ve dated my Sweetie for five consecutive years.

Needless to say, I am rather impressed with the relationship. We’ve learned a lot about each other and we seem to get along well.

Of course being together for five years doesn’t mean that we understand each other perfectly. For example, he seems quite puzzled as to why I always wear sandals. To me, sandals are very comfortable like a pair of slippers. They are easy to slip on and off and help keep my feet aired out (which really helps keep the musty smell to a minimum).

I am equally puzzled by how he is able to move so incredibly fast (it’s like time is standing still or something). The magic starts the moment we enter the house. We step into the house, turn on the lights and greet the dog. At this point, I discover I am parched and head to the kitchen for a drink of water. In the time it takes me to grab the glass, fill it with water and begin to drink, my Sweetie has cast aside his pants, slid into a pair of sweat pants, tinkled and is now shuffling about the house either playing with the dog or deciding which DVD he would like to watch.

Bear in mind, we just got home from the movie theater.

I also haven’t finished drinking my glass of water.

On occasion, he shuffles about the house while chirping a little song. “Swea-tee paaants, swea-tee paaants…”

How does he do it? Is this a guy thing? Is time really standing still or is the water pressure in his house just incredibly low?

And finally, do people watch DVDs after coming home from the movie theater?

Yes, I find all of this very puzzling but ultimately I am more intrigued by how he accomplishes all these things in such a little amount of time.

At least I was able to figure out why he leaves his socks on when he comes home. At first, I thought leaving his socks on when he changed his clothes helped save him time but I now realize that he just likes to fling his socks across the room while he is watching the DVD.

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What’s that noise?

2010-04-27T10:13:00.000-07:00

Architecturally speaking, I work in a nearly perfect building so imagine my surprise when I discovered a major flaw in the building’s construction. This flaw, though not fatal, is certainly not conducive to a professional work environment.

“Not conducive to a professional working environment? Babs, are you talking about yourself again?” Nope, for a change I am actually focusing on my workplace and more specifically the environment of my workplace.

To set the stage, I must first describe this building which I thought to be a place of distinction and decorum. I now realize it actually resembles a place of “stink-tion” and discord. The building is filled with skilled professional businessmen and women who conduct their business activities in a polite and professional manner. Who knew their business could become everyone’s business? And who knew their bladders were so small?

I shall start with the exterior of the heavenly architecture. The demure brick and mortar façade belies the stately cathedral-like structure within. As you enter the building, you are greeted by rough tile carved from ancient stone. The stonework stretches towards the inner sanctum and stops at the marble colored alter. As you continue your pilgrimage through the building, you are swallowed by the great expanse of the lobby and the open offices. You are then bathed in light reflected from the golden walls. Looking for a source of that light, you gaze upwards towards the wood ceiling above you where you are finally able to see the skylights and wooden crossbeams suspended in the air.

So in other words, this beautiful building with a very large and fairly smooth interior does not have any materials to absorb sound. It has a bit of an echo. Echoes are okay though they make hearing difficult. I don’t mind echoes but I do object to the sound amplification.

What’s so bad about sound amplification? Well…um…sometimes you shouldn’t be able to hear everything that is going on in a room. Or in various parts of the building…for example, someone who is suffering from allergies or a cold will be able to perform a small recital by vacating his or her nasal passages into a facial tissue. We may not be able to see the contents of that facial tissue but we will certainly be able to guess the characteristics of those contents based on the performer’s musical interpretation.

Listening to someone tooting his or her horn could be fun.

This could explain why the architects placed the restrooms so close to the lobby. Let me just take a moment to emphasize (again) that everything from all parts of the building is amplified. Everything!

So, my work “to do” list is a bit larger than usual:

Focus on relationships with co-workers and customers
Focus on the positive
Focus on sales
Drink plenty of water
Eat a balanced diet
Be sure to have a bottle of Bean-o on hand at all times

Drawing Class

2010-04-25T22:39:00.000-07:00

A typical art professor? Perhaps.

He stood beneath a tuft of gray wavy hear. It seemed to nod in agreement as he spoke of artists, techniques and history. His tan corduroy pants seemed to gather at his feet to keep his ankles warm. His gray tweed jacket was cast aside quickly at the beginning of class so that he could use his hands to demonstrate points in his lecture.

His voice, though quiet, was steady as he shared an explosion of ideas with his new audience.

“There was a period called the Renaissance…”

“Many of Da Vinci’s ideas were drawn…”

“I work with glass…”

And his hair continued to nod silently in agreement.

Is he a typical art professor? I dunno but I’m hoping that I will learn a few things so that my stick figure drawings look a bit better. The next few weeks should be interesting – especially with the hair.

Also, as you can probably tell, I’m also reviewing notes from the creative writing class I took last fall. Hmmm…I should probably re-enroll in the creative writing class…:)

Hopefully I will be able to find these guys before the end of class.
I should probably clean my room...

He didn't say that using stencils is "cheating."

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Setting the Record Straight

2010-04-22T23:13:00.000-07:00

I just want to let you know that I was not the bearer of bad news today.

I use to be the bearer of bad news at work and at home but no more! I’ve turned a new leaf! I’ve learned my lesson and my lips are sealed! Here are some examples of the new mantras I chant:

Sales are strong!

Business is booming!

The economy is doing great!

The weather is sunny and that is not an error message on your monitor saying, “PC load letter!”

Oh, by the way, your great aunt who has terminal cancer finally moved to her beloved exotic island so that she could paint pictures of all of her new young native lovers. She is alive and well but the village where she lives does not have a telephone so you will never be able to talk with her again.

Besides, she’ll be too busy painting all those cute boys and drinking delicious fruity drinks to talk to you!

See? It’s all rainbows, lollipops and unicorns from here on out. And if you heard otherwise, remember, you did not hear it from me!

Probably should have had one of these suckers in the room!

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Prenup

2010-04-13T23:07:00.000-07:00

I was going to talk about my birthday in this blog entry but something of great importance came up.

I will be marrying my Sweetie in September and I am slowly preparing for my wedding day. One of the big items on my “to do” list, aside from shopping for white Tevas to match my wedding dress, is compiling information for the prenup. To prepare for this document, I am taking stock on all of my assets – and if college papers, grocery receipts and blue jeans are assets then I am indeed swimming in “A-town.”

I do see the importance and advantage of having a prenup. It is a necessary agreement that would serve to protect all of my assets should something go wrong in the marriage. While I do not anticipate anything bad from happening, if it does, my yellow and faded Safeway receipts from 2002 will remain safely in my care.

So as usual a lot is swirling around in my brain regarding my big day and all the wondrous things that happens to a girl when she moves into a house that has a sock infestation. And then there was tonight’s conversation with my Sweetie.

It started out innocently enough with me asking what he would add to the prenup and then it quickly spiraled out of control. Unfortunately, I misunderstood a comment and quickly blurted out that he and his dog do not get to keep my parents should we go our separate ways…and this was my fatal mistake… He…he really liked the idea…sigh…

Look…they’re not bad parents; a little worn in some places but they run pretty smooth and they have low maintenance costs. But they’re my parents! I can’t lose my parents in a divorce…is that even possible?!

Obviously I can’t take any chances and I will have to add them to my list of assets. I should have plenty of room to add them to my list of assets…just below the soap collection and Scrunchies.

I'm pretty sure I have one of these sets hiding in my dresser:

Awe yes, who doesn't have a Scrunchie? Sweetie? Do you have one?

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It's a Sign

2010-04-06T23:28:00.000-07:00

Every time I sit down to watch a horror flick that references the Beast or the Antichrist, a major argument erupts in my head making it difficult to enjoy the film. The source of my contention began many years ago when I worked at a local deli in a grocery store. The cold and hot cases in the deli contained a bevy of foods from potato salad to fried chicken. It was here, while transitioning from childhood to adulthood that my young and impressionable mind absorbed inconspicuous amounts of information about the world which would later lead to a life of incoherent and belligerent self-babble.

How can a deli alter one’s view and enjoyment of a horror flick? At the deli, the number 666 was the code I used to weigh and price the Jell-O for customers on the food scale. I’m not sure if the deli manager was having fun when she programmed the food scale but I cannot gaze upon this number without thinking of greenish, two week old, gelatinous ooze covered in a white slimy film that sold for $1.49 per pound. I suppose the white slimy film was whip cream but really, it could have been anything…

666 is the sign of the Beast? Only if the Beast is a bland blob of greenish sludge sitting in a plastic salad bowl near the macaroni and three bean salad. If I wanted to look at something that resembled something beast-like, all I had to do was let my eyes wander over to the deli meat section and take a gander at the gray head cheese ominously sitting between the provolone and the smoked ham.

“But head cheese is the best!” I hear you cry. Yes, I’ve heard a few people extol the delectable elements of this cold cut but I never could muster the strength to eat it. For one thing, it doesn’t smell very appetizing. I also had trouble with the sound of head cheese – oh, it makes a sound…invariably someone would request a pound of the stuff to be sliced so that he or she could actually buy it. The thinly sliced grayish gelatin would slide down the blade of the meat slicer and fall into a pile on the wax paper below making a cold, “blop” sound. Thankfully it required a different code to calculate and print a UPC label.

We sold more Jell-O than head cheese so perhaps the Jell-O won the coin toss to use 666. So, as I gaze upon the Beast lunging across the room toward some shrieking woman in the horror film, I can’t help wondering if he is fresh and if he is raspberry flavored. If he is, it would be a welcomed and long awaited change.

I've never seen this movie and I probably won't:

Headcheese! Almost available!

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Odd Things

2010-03-31T23:23:00.000-07:00

Each year, I find that the frequency of me saying odd things increases…in fact this sentence was very strange for me to write (even though I submitted English papers in college, my attempts to write in this language were often thwarted by the all of the confusing rules. My poor little brain would freeze like an IBM compatible and need rebooting. I cannot tell you how many Sunday afternoons were spent with my head lying on my pillow, English paper and pencil in hand as I napped in a bewildered state).

I also majored in music so that wasn't very helpful.

So anyway, I say a lot of odd things.

At this point, I should clarify that I am not talking about those oh-so-freaky-moments when I speak to another person and I utter a phrase that came from my mother. While this kind of moment is “slightly bone chilling, almost wet my pants, in no way am I turning into my mother so don’t you dare give me that look Missy;” it still doesn’t quite measure up to some of the really odd things that I say to people.

Take this email that I wrote yesterday:

“Please select two other veggies for tonight’s dinner. I am sorry to say that pork rinds do not count as vegetables.”

An odd comment and apparently I needed to say it because it appears in an email that resides in my “out” box. Perhaps one day, they will find a cure for my compulsion to say odd things and when that day comes, I will be able to live a somewhat normal life. Of course the side effects from this cure may include headache, dizziness, dry mouth, abdominal pain, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence, difficulty urinating, flatulence and other fun things that will delight and entertain small children and grown men alike.

Dude! They have microwaveable pork rinds?! Original and spicy?! I have got to get out of the house more often...or maybe never leave my office, my desk or the internet.

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Ambivalence?

2010-03-29T23:21:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure if I experienced ambivalence from this story but I can say that I was laughing pretty hard while feeling a sick sensation down in the pit of my stomach.

The source of these two feelings…um, one feeling and one sensation, came from a story my Sweetie told me. Several years ago, my Sweetie overheard a mother talking to her children in a park. Obviously my Sweetie overhead a tender moment shared between a mother and her children. In this story, the mother is the children’s pillar, the dispenser of wisdom and the giver of nutrition. The children are the innocents, the fresh pallets, nay, the empty vessels wherein the mother must fill with wisdom and nutrition. The mother is a cautious entity who oversees the all aspects of the children’s lives and welfare…we hope…we’re pretty sure…

We now ascend to the apex of the tender moment wherein the mother shares her wisdom and her nutrition with her children and thereby reaffirms “the pillar.” We, as the children, listen intently to her words,

“You kids have been eating junk all day. Come over and eat your Chicken McNuggets.”

I was not expecting that one. It just blindsided me!

Oh, if you need a vintage 1990's McDonald's Happy Meal Toy:

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Well THAT’S a new one

2010-03-24T21:09:00.000-07:00

Yesterday he walked up to me and told me my cooking was “crack.”

At first, I thought he was having difficulty annunciating the word “crap” but I was wrong. He did indeed use the word “crack.” Then he firmly (and loudly) declared again that my cooking was “CRACK!”

He did not describe that it looked, felt, smelled or tasted like crack but that it was crack.

Although I considered this a fairly heartfelt and slightly addicted comment, my brain sprang into action with a few considerations.

1. Could I exploit this? I’m always trying to find new revenue sources and I’ve never cared for the plethora of pyramid schemes out there including the real drug industry.

2. Would this put me into a new tax bracket? For me, the novelty of this idea is actually quite invigorating even if I have to send more money to the IRS.

3. Would this cause a problem with the DEA? I am not sure if the DEA distinguishes between “crack” and crack but I do know that I don’t want to find out.

4. How would Nancy Reagan feel about all of this? As a child of the eighties, I can’t help but wonder if my cooking is in some way letting her down.

A Fresh Start

2010-03-22T21:36:00.000-07:00

Today I officially started my new job and my journal entry reflects all of the normal jitters that one might experience at the start of employment. Here is an excerpt from that journal entry:

“I forgot my social security at home and I am having flashbacks of an old workplace. I fear I am suffering from ‘my-ass-is-grass-itis.’ Hoping this fear will pass soon!”

I have a fresh start with a new company. I do not believe my fears are warranted and I anticipate that they will subside quickly.

Besides…how can anything go wrong when you’re listening to John Tesh?!

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Serenade at Work

2010-03-17T22:42:00.000-07:00

Okay B, I thought I could just walk away but…why do you have a jar of marshmallow crème on your desk?

What, that? Oh, it’s been there a while. I can’t seem to find a place to store it. Hey, want to know something interesting? I was serenaded at work yesterday.

Serenaded? How does that happen at work? Did somebody come to your workplace and start singing?

He works there and let me just admit that I was NOT expecting that. I’m not sure that it counts as a serenade because he was singing along with a recording.

What song?

I think it was something by Kiss.

What, you don’t know who was singing?! You don’t even know the song?! How, how can you not know?! Wait a minute…weren’t you a music major in college?

Oh that degree doesn’t count…look…let me just say that I was mortified...actually that is a very harsh description; I should say I was a bit stunned.

You? You were stunned? Were you actually speechless? Wow, that’s a new one. How was his singing?

Luckily his performance was above par. He faired better than the pubescent girls belting out Motley Crue songs at the local eatery on family karaoke night. He was fairly decent and he could almost carry a tune but I do feel cheated as there was no air guitar.

No air guitar?

Not one lick but thankfully his tat did have flames.

Well, that is something to be thankful for. You do know it’s a sin not to sing along with a Kiss recording.

Oh yes, I know, my parents raised me properly…I’ve just be very neglectful these last few months. By the way, don’t go to your local eatery on Tuesdays.

Thanks for the heads up!

Other Performances:
Today's Performance, Back from Hiatus,

Party Time, part II

2010-03-15T22:21:00.000-07:00

So B, I heard you went to a party the other night, how was that?

It was good. We got to check out some exhibits, eat some food, an-

Wait, did you say “exhibits?” What kind of party was this?

It was our company party at OMSI. You know, that one museum over in Portland Oregon and I had a great time.

A party in a museum…okay…that’s different. Well? What about the details?

Is it that obvious?

Yes, your brain doesn’t function like others; what did your brain do?

I can say without a doubt that my brain behaved itself…fairly well…mostly fairly well. I did not cause injury to myself, others, the exhibits and the dessert table. I also believe I used my napkin in a proper, dignified and polite manner.

Napkin?

Yes, the napkin. See they had these white napkins on the table-

Hmmm…obviously I am not asking the right questions. You saw and/or did something at this party otherwise you would not be talking to yourself right now. Let’s start over, was there anything unusual about the food?

Uh, feta cheese with tomatoes served in pastry boats.

That seems normal.

It was on a platter in the buffet line located near the T-Rex exhibit.

Bingo! This must be about a display! Okay, so you were standing in the exhibit hall, what else did you see?

Teeth!

Teeth aren’t funny, what else did you see?

But we were eating, that isn’t funny? No? Um…well, there were the gestating fetuses.

Uh…that’s a little bit…um…

It was kitty-corner to where they were serving…uh…you know…(whisper) adult beverages.

Hmmm...I still don’t think this is the right exhibit. Was there a display that caught your eye? Was there an exhibit that you looked at for longer than a minute?

Yes, there was this huge anatomy display. It was a female mannequin and you could see her internal organs. She stood on the pedestal and there was a control panel right in front of her.

A control panel? That sounds interesting, what did she do?

One of the buttons on the giant control panel rotated her slowly on her pedestal. She was looking at all the desserts over on the table and I didn’t want her to feel like she was missing out on all the delicious brownies so I pushed the rotator button until she was looking at the nanotechnology instead.

That’s very kind of you but a giant control panel? What else did this control panel do?

Well, the other buttons were labeled with her internal organs. When I pressed a button, the corresponding internal organ lit up. I press all the buttons and watched all of her internal organs light up…well…most of them.

What kind of internal organs?

Um, let’s see, there was the brain, the lungs and the heart.

That’s good, nice to see those organs in fine working order.

Her boobs lit up too.

Really? I…I didn’t expect you to say that…um…I think they are called breasts.

Yeah, her breasts lit up which was really nice but I think she blew out an ovary. The left one didn’t light up at all. I kept pushing the button and only the right ovary lit up as if to say, “I’m still here!” I don't like burned out bulbs.

I, uh…wow…uh…I’m going to go now.

Of course, this party was a few weeks ago so I hope she is feeling better now.

Related story: Party Time (part I), A Letter to My Love, A Solution

A Moment Please

2010-03-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

I think I have an answer to my Sweetie’s question. He posed this question after a brief but lively discussion last night.

Me: I contacted that wedding chapel in Vegas to see if they had any openings on the 18th.

Sweetie: Oh yeah? What’d they say?

Me: They do have some openings in the afternoon. I figured an afternoon ceremony would be best. What do you think?

Sweetie: I think so, hey, did you talk to them today at work about all of this?

Me: This?

Sweetie: Yeah, taking time off for the wedding.

Me: Work? Today? Um…I didn’t go to work today. I work this Saturday so I had today of-

Sweetie: (giggle) oh, that’s right. What will you do with me?

And so Sweetie, to answer your question of what I will do with you; I guess I shall have to love you until I am no more.

Is it time?

2010-03-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

I keep meaning to finish my story about my party at OMSI but something came up and I need to address it immediately.

So, I can’t be too sure, but I think the lady in church used hand sanitizer after she held my hand.

Which, you know…it’s okay…I’m okay with all of this, you know, and she didn’t really hide anything or nothing…she just kind of whipped it all out for everyone to see and was all “Look at me! I’m all over here with this thing all whipped out! Loooook!”

So there it was all hanging out. Squirt! Squirt! Squirt!

She seemed to take her time sanitizing herself too which is probably a good idea with everything happening now a day with the Girls Scout cookies and the orcas.

Of course, all of this activity made the little gears in my head start to move and I have to ask, is it time? Do I need to schedule another appointment to have things scraped, scrubbed and deodorized? Please let me know as my last appointment was over six months ago. Things have been busy…oh, I don’t mean to make excuses but I was hoping to make it to eight months. At least eight months (boy that would be fantastic)!

Sadly, I fear all is not to par and that I must resign myself to the semi-annual appoints of scraping, scrubbing and deodorizing…sigh, sigh, sigh…

Party Time

2010-03-03T23:11:00.000-08:00

I recently attended a great party at OMSI in Portland Oregon. OMSI, which stands for Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, is a museum that houses science and technology exhibits that range from space exploration to dinosaurs. Many of their exhibits are interactive so you can really dive into the subject matter and learn what they are all about.

Of course for me, when it comes to the stuff I look at, I have a tendency to see what isn’t there…or sometimes I see what IS there…and I obsess about it (a little). I’m working on this bad habit but in the mean time I need to share the beautifully odd experience that I had at this party inside of this wonderful museum.

Now I need to admit that I've never attended a party at a museum before. I had a great time! All of the guests had the pleasure of listening to great food and good music. We also had the pleasure of touring two exhibit halls and checking out the displays in each hall. But, as I said, this was my first party at a museum and I couldn’t help but notice a few things in our main party room, the Planet Earth exhibit hall. This hall, which focused on many aspects of planet earth, included an exhibit on earth’s climate as well as many exhibits on prehistoric animals. Our tables were scattered around this hall and placed near the exhibits. While it was a tad odd to be dining next to such displays, I can see why the staff placed us in this area for a party. For one thing, there was tons of room for the buffet line at the base of a tyrannosaurus rex. The close proximity of tyrannosaurus rex made me feel really good about myself as I grazed on the lovely nibblies. There was something exhilarating about eating sliced cheese and ravioli thingies within striking distance of a large skeletal beast. Though famish, he was quite immobile.

The staff people were also very clever to place us in that event hall where each exhibit lent its unique charm and conversation to the party. While the saber tooth cat told us that it was “time to party” the mammoth teeth reminded the us party goers to “be mindful and chew our food.”

The pregnancy gestation exhibit was within a short walking distance of the…um…adult beverage table. Which was just around the um…well you know…and it was very…um well…it was a very pregnant exhibit.

But this was only the beginning of a wonderful evening. So many more exhibits to explore in the Life Hall next to the Planet Earth Hall. More to come.

They Say

2010-03-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

*rustle*

*rustle* *rustle*

They say…mmm…just a moment…

*rustle*

They say you have to be smarter than the…

*rustle*

smarter than the wrapper to open it.

*rustle*

I would like to watch my DVD now…

Saturday's Song

2010-02-24T22:17:00.000-08:00

I heard this song a lot on Saturday:

"Animal crackers in my poop. Monkeys and rabbits loop the loop..."

Now I must admit that I am not much of a music expert but I am rather suspicious that my Sweetie was not singing this song correctly. Ah well, at least it was a catchy tune!

The Infestation

2010-02-17T22:25:00.000-08:00

I discovered the infestation by accident over the weekend. It was much larger than I had anticipated and I shuddered as I gazed upon their tiny forms packed side by side in that musty dresser drawer.

It was the perfect home. Hidden from sight and sunlight in a cool, dingy corner of the room, the filthy dresser sat forgotten. The colony must have started with just one or two rotund bodies and over time, became a thriving colony that formed the bulging pile I looked upon.
The air had a peculiar smell and I gagged as I held my breath from the nauseating yet sweet fragrance.

It could have been Tide or Wisk detergent.

For weeks, I found the little sock bodies throughout the house: nestled in the cushions the sofa, lodged underneath the coffee table and scattered on the kitchen stove. I knew the colony was quite huge when I started finding the bodies on top of the piano and inside the garage.

I can only pray that there is an exterminator out there who will bring a swift end to this thriving population.

Something Something Blah Blah Blah

2010-02-15T20:28:00.000-08:00

In my effort to fill every moment of my waking day as well as learn the bizarre workings of Adobe Illustrator, I drew a cartoon.

The drawing is actually posted on my new blog and the picture below should take you to that new blog. I started this other blog in an attempt to actually organize this blog. Ha! I know, I give it a week too! :D

My intention with this new blog is to electronically capture some bizarre notebook scribbles that I've collected over the years and display them to the public. Unfortunately, I do not have a display schedule worked out because it took hours to draw this first one. Hours! Three to four hours worth of work and...not much of a scribble , is it?

Regardless, I hope you enjoy these occasional scribble interludes.

I am Naive

2010-02-07T20:26:00.000-08:00

I knew potty training videos existed.

I knew parents played these videos for their children as they drove home from daycare.

I did not realize the amazing clarity of the overhead LCD monitors in the minivans. The minivan that I followed home the other night had an amazing LCD monitor in the cabin. Despite being outside the minivan and traveling around 50 or 60 mph, I did not miss a single moment in Henry’s potty training adventure. It was totally awesome! Actually, I’m not too sure how fast I was traveling but I do remember the sheer exuberance of that cute little dancing bear when Henry dropped a kid off at the pool.

And let me add, Henry had an AMAZING party going on in the bathroom. A celebration filled with an ovation, dancing and an encore performance.

In retrospect, the color of the monitor seemed a bit off because the bear had a red hue (though I can’t be completely certain because I was about 15 to 20 feet from the monitor).

I certainly hope these parents adjust the color on that monitor as it might detract from Henry’s celebration.

The video for all ages! And all drivers!

A must-have for all vehicles who drive in front of me!

Dilemma

2010-01-27T22:28:00.000-08:00

What do you do when a man laments he has no chest hair?

Offer consoling words?

Buy him a chest wig?

I find these situations to be rather difficult.

Chest wigs available for the furless!

Technology

2010-01-26T00:47:00.000-08:00

In November, I began learning a new computer program on a new network and since then, I have the same conversation everyday with my computer. I would like to share that conversation for you.

BB: (function key) Computer? (function key again) Computer...hello?

Computer: (Snort!) Hey duuuude, whoa man, who turned on all the lights?

BB: (hit function key for a third time) Computer? Hello computer, could you please...

Computer: Hey man I'm serious, who turned the lights on in here? It's like, really bright man.

BB: Computer, since you're awake, could you look up some information for me? I'll, I'll turn out the lights for you?

Computer: Uh...um...I uh...yeah! Hey I could do that for you man. So let's do this, alright! (initial window pops opens)

BB: (type some information into initial window, hit "enter") I need you to find more information on this. This information please? He-hello? (function key)

Computer: Okay, let's do this! (initial window pops open...again)

BB: I did, I gave you some information, go look it up, go on, it won't bite, give it a try (hit "enter").

Computer: Oh! Oh yeah, dude here's your information (after 20 seconds a new window pops open with bevey of information)! Oh man that's AWESOME, I didn't know I could do that. Duuude!

BB: Thank you, that's very nice work. Let me just take a look at this, okay that's great, this is just what I need. Okay, so now I need to have you perform XY and Z. How do I get you to perform XY and Z?

Computer: Oh, that's easy, you can do that a couple of different ways. Under my first menu, use Alt "D," "K" or "R." If you need more information, you can go to my second menu and select Alt "M"...or was it Alt "N?"...I get those two confused.

BB: Alt "M" or "N?" First or second menu? How many menus and commands do you have? What is all this crap?

Computer: Hey! Hey don't touch that, you'll blow this place sky high man! (snicker) I got you man! I got you! (laughter followed by a snort). Seriously though, I have like eight menus and hundreds of commands. I'm not sure what you need 'cuz they all sound the same to me but hey, don't use the wrong one cuz it's a b*tch to fix a mistake.

BB: What the? I think that command is illegal in the State of Utah...ah, okay, here we go. ("Menu one," Alt "K"). Did that make sense? Computer? Hello?

BB: Are, are you still there?

Computer: I don't know what you did man but here's an error message.

BB: Why are you giving me an error message, you haven't done ANYTHING?! I haven't done anything! Your not supposed to give me an error message! Try it again and do it faster this time, you're so slow!

Computer: Oh sorry, no can-do man but here's an error message again. Oh, hey, did you see? I did that faster this time. Hey man, see you later.

Oh Johnny Boy!

2010-01-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

Oh Johnny. I can't tell you how your message really struck home. The truth is sometimes too much to bear and too much to process.

And you, let me tell you that I just have to say that I...

Oh, excuse me, you're not Johnny, you're you. Hi you! And you might be wondering what I am talking about so let me back up a bit and explain. Back in December, I was accidentally listening to an easy listening rock station. Suddenly a smooth and Amway-style voice sauntered effortlessly through the air and told me to "remain calm, everything is okay."

But whose voice beckoned me from the great beyond and why was it telling me to remain calm. "Who are you voice? Is that you Rush? Martha? Wait a minute, that voice belongs to John Tesh (such a dapper fellow)." I thought.

"Yes John, what's that you speak of? My...my...mucus? Really?! Uh, what about my mucus? It could be green this time of year? Well it is Christmas and a lot of people like to...what did you say? Green mucus is nothing to worry about? Uh...great! That's just great news I will..."

And just as suddenly as his voice appeared in the air waves, it was gone.

Thank you John. You had the foresight to tell us to remain calm and accept our mucus color deferential. BTW, I shared your information immediately with all of my co-workers that day but I'm not sure they believed me. My voice is of inferior quality. The high pitch shriek probably prevented them from welcoming your message into their hearts and minds. I have a feeling that they would listen to you and heed your message of mucus equality. I think next Tuesday or Wednesday would be good for us to meet with you, if you would like to stop by we can get this all straightened out.

Where have all the mullets gone...

Sabbatical

2010-01-19T23:21:00.000-08:00

Well, I do apologize for being away. Like so many others, I was unemployed for a number of months and had to really focus my energy on finding employment. I was finally able to find employment, but then I had to focus my energy on learning a new computer program (and in the process, I discovered how truly annoying some computer programmers are).

So, after many months of sending out resumes and attempting to converse with a self absorbed terrier, I am finally employed. And I find myself working with new people who are passionate about their job and they have a sense of humor. Yeah! Seriously! An honest sense of humor - apparently people in the real world still have a sense of humor. And they laugh! It's quite pleasant.

I almost forgot what real laughter was like. It's very nice

And by the end of 2009, I found that I had experienced a sort of mental cleansing...well...kind of...for me it resembled a colonic cleanse for my brain. Instead of constant intake of solid food, I was limited to living on lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. My only regret is that I did not shed any weight in the process.

I am now hoping to publish several blog posts and get back to drawing.

The Mylar Balloon

2009-08-31T22:22:00.000-07:00

I should say that I did select a Mylar Balloon for my Sweetie; unfortunately things have been so busy that I have not had the opportunity to write about.

I knew the task would be difficult, fraught with morbidly deformed, gas-filled, over-priced blobs that are impossible to transport without puncturing. In my previous blog posting, I only mentioned a few of the morbidly deformed figures including Dora the Explorer and a Labrador puppy… Dora proved to be a rather swollen character that might be experiencing an allergic reaction to the helium inside her. I’m not sure if she was suffering from hives or retaining water but she barely resembled her online photo.

She could have posted an honest photo of herself but instead I had to show up in the store to discover her puffy and lethargic nature instead of a lean mean exploring machine.

As I suspected, the puppy balloon was too adorable for me to purchase. I truly believe that my Sweetie would have become mesmerized by it. He is already transfixed by football and with the new season around the corner, the strain, I fear, would be too much for him to bear…or too much for me to bear…and I might go crazy…more than I already am…

I pushed onto the other balloons.

The Disney Princess Castle? As far as I know my Sweetie is not taking estrogen to become a female so he might not like this one. It is a very nice shade of pink though.

Hello Kitty? She seems to be suffering from the same affliction that Dora is suffering. Perhaps some of these balloons caught a virus and are being quarantined in the store.

Sponge Bob Square Pants? Dear Lord, that is terrifying…I…I…will I turn to stone if I look directly into its eyes?!

Hmmm…American flag, communion and Tiki Idol balloons do not capture the spirit of the moment…what about the congratulatory balloons?

Ah, here we go. And this one is such a lovely color blue, I wonder what it says? “Congratulations! It’s a Boy!”

Um…no…

So, after much consideration, I chose a simple balloon to express all my thoughts and feelings (okay, almost all of them – I had to write on the balloon “with all my heart, soul and gas” below the “I love you” part).

This balloon was HUGE and needed a weight, but what? And then I spotted Darth Vader across the room. He was no ordinary Darth but one that could be filled with lots of lovely chocolates and wonderful drinks. Yes! A Darth pinata! My Sweetie loves yummy chocolate, tasty drinks AND Darth Vader! How can I not buy Darth? So off I went with my newly purchased treasures, hoping that everything would please my Sweetie.

The balloon was a hit. It was the right balloon for the right occasion and Darth Vader’s head proved very popular that evening (and full of yummy chocolates).

And he said “yes.”

Quote

2009-08-27T22:11:00.000-07:00

I heard someone utter these words a few nights ago and thought I should pass it along:

“Every time I scratch my nuts an angel loses his wings.
There’s the right one…aaaaaaand the left one.”

Ah yes, a classic Christmas tale that represents a renewed sense of hope as well as a new found appreciation for life. You can almost feel the snow landing softly on your nose in the crisp winter air...well, except in this version...

In this version, the minute a bell rings, some squeaky voiced little boy proclaims that he is scratching his nuts.

Uh yeah…nice kid…why don’t you stand over there…

As it turns out, his scratching slowly leads to the destruction of heaven one angel at a time.

Definitely a new twist on an old classic.

Symbol of Love

2009-08-14T12:06:00.000-07:00

I believe an engagement ring traditionally symbolizes a betrothal gift and that it is given to a prospective spouse. I also believe that this gift represents a formal agreement of future marriage.

But times, they are a changing and Conventional Wisdom asks, “What can be used to symbolize a formal agreement of future marriage?” Thank heavens my Sweetie was there to answer this question because I didn’t have a clue!

And what can be used to symbolize love and future marriage? The answer was so obvious that I failed to recognize it. My Sweetie was there to help me in my time of need. Why yes! A Mylar balloon, of course! In fact, the first thing he said to me when he arrived home last night was “Where’s my Mylar balloon?”

A Mylar balloon? It was such an obvious symbol of love but, I overlooked it. At this point, I fear his betrothal is incomplete; absent of symbolism and gas. This needs to be resolved quickly by buying the most appropriate balloon, but which one? A quick online search revealed the degree of difficulty that lie ahead. Here is a small sample of balloons that I must to choose from:

Marriage can certainly mean the start of a new chapter in life as well as an opportunity for one to experience “adventures new” but I don’t think Dora the Explorer would be a readily accepted symbol of this new adventure since my Sweetie is well above the age of ten. I must admit that I do appreciate her enthusiastic smile and open arms.

My Sweetie would definitely enjoy this balloon but I believe he would become severely distracted by its high degree of “cuteness.” This is a considerable obstacle indeed because he might fall into a deep and everlasting trance. He might hold the balloon or take it on a motorcycle ride. I can play second banana to a dog but not a balloon. I fear I would become extremely jealous and develop an unhealthy obsession to suck out all of its helium.

My Sweetie definitely enjoys Star Wars but I’m not sure Darth Vader accurately represents my undying love. At 37 inches, this balloon has a formidable presence as well as the ability to inspire one to tell Luke that you - are - his - father. While the evil character is fun, I do not want my Sweetie to draw comparisons between me and Darth. I also do not want to be poked by a lightsaber or cause a Jar Jar Binks infestation.

This is a difficult task but one that I must tackle head-on if I wish to proceed with this union. I can only hope a muse will inspire my selection…or the clerk at Party City.

If the Ring Fits

2009-08-12T11:56:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I’m pretty sure I asked my Sweetie to marry me. I’m pretty sure. I’m almost positive that I’m pretty sure but I am slightly confused as to what happened – the fact that I was present for this “proposal” should mean that I have a good idea regarding the events surrounding this situation. But, as usual, it was a bit unusual. I would not describe this as a “tradition proposal” but rather an odd circumstance with a vague but hopeful outcome.

Background information: I did not plan anything elaborate. I did not take him to a romantic dinner nor did I order expensive wine (which is a bit of a shame because I do like wine. I especially like nice wine which is often more expensive.). I did not whisper sweet nothings into his ear accompanied by chocolate truffles covered with gold leaf. I didn’t even give him a Mylar balloon* to express my undying (and non-biodegradable) love.

*Special note on Mylar balloons: As you may know, you can express a wide variety of emotions or commemorate any occasion with a Mylar balloon. You can express joy or despair and you can also commemorate a baby’s birth or the death of a loved one. Mylar balloons are incredibly versatile. What better way to express your inner thoughts of love than through a shiny plastic pillow-shaped heart filled with gas?

The Event: I asked him to try on a $30 ring I ordered from Amazon.com to see if it would fit. He put the ring on his wedding ring finger and said, “Yeah, this one fits.”

The Outcome: I’m pretty sure I asked my Sweetie to marry me and, God help him, I’m pretty sure he said “yes.”

Is It a Sign?

2009-08-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

If it is a sign, I'm not sure what it means...

I should back up a bit to tell you a tale of fascination, horror and laughter. Yesterday, I was returning from jury duty (a horrible experience that I do not want to repeat - but more on that later). I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed an old Chevy Suburban behind me. The vehicle was not far behind me but my annoyance gave way to fascination when I noticed it was orange.

At this point, you're probabling saying to yourself that my story seems pretty innocent. You might even be saying to yourself, "Oh Babbling Banshee, this story couldn't possibly end THAT way. That would be INSANE!" I must add that normally you would be correct.

Even I thought that there was no way that this story could end THAT way. No one would do that sort of thing...not to a Suburban...but over the years I've discovered how often I am wrong. I underestimate people and how they function...or move...or think... I've seen spinners on a minivan and racing stripes on a Chevy Suburban (at least, I think it was a Suburban but I was laughing too hard to tell).

And so the orange Suburban finally pulled up alongside me in the right lane. Yes Virginia, it was painted like the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard. I'm not sure what this means in the grand scheme of the universe but it did may me laugh. In a horrified sort of way.

And So It Begins...

2009-08-04T22:05:00.000-07:00

I start jury duty at 8:00 am, provided that I can find a parking spot...assuming I will wake up on time.
But perhaps I am looking at this all wrong - the wrong angle, the wrong light, the wrong lens. Perhaps the picture is much bigger and grander than I realize. Maybe this will turn into a comedic episode of "Night Court" or maybe I'll run into Raymond Burr who is playing the incomparable Perry Mason.

What? "Night Court" was canceled years ago? Raymond Burr died in the 90's?!

Perhaps my rose colored lenses are just what the defense needs to establish reasonable doubt for the accused who is in for drunken disorderly conduct and urinating in undesignated areas.

Twelve angry men (and women), here I come!

The Blissful Day Has Come!

2009-08-03T14:40:00.000-07:00

For weeks, anticipation hung heavily in the air while whispering sweet nothings into my ear. And I listened to these sweet nothings like an obedient little school girl. Standing transfixed, I happily waiting for the moment to arrive as I mindlessly pulled the skirt of my fluffy dress over my head.

The wait is over! The blissful day is here and everything is sunshine, unicorns and children’s laughter.

Oh, but perhaps you heard the sweet nothings floating through the air? They were accompanied by an angelic melody that could only come from the Spheres of the Universe. The lyrics were only comprised of two words sung over and over into a harmonious refrain.

Perhaps you did not hear the song?
Perhaps you did not hear the harmonious refrain?
And what were the two words sung from the heavens?

“Jury Duty.”

I beg your pardon but I need to go over to my corner and pull the skirt of my dress over my head again…

A Message for the Younger Folks

2009-07-17T22:23:00.000-07:00

I know that eleven o’clock is “magic hour” where you cruise the streets with your radios turned up and your car windows rolled down but please remember that many neighborhood windows are open during these warm summer evenings.

Please keep the Billy Joel music to a reasonable volume. The older folks are trying to sleep.

Correction II

2009-07-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

The blog entry on July 13th used the wrong mispronounced word. The word used in the blog entry was “sandmich.” This word, while used correctly in the sentence as an incorrect pronunciation of the word sandwich, was the incorrect mispronunciation to use for publication. The CORRECT incorrect pronunciation should have been “sanmich.”

The Babbling Banshee regrets any confusion this may have caused.

Revelation

2009-07-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered, much to my chagrin, that my engagement is contingent upon a “sandmich”…which is sandwich pronounced incorrectly…

Specifically I need a torpedo pesto turkey with a side of chips and a diet soft drink in order for my fellow to commit to marriage. The revelation occurred on Sunday afternoon when my hungry honey stated that he needed this food immediately and would not be swayed by a substitute. Negotiations ensued but we soon reached an impasse when he discovered that the “sandmich” was not present during the discussion. He then began to whimper on the couch due to the “sandmich’s” absence…or perhaps he was simply overwhelmed by his love for me…

In any case, I know what we will be eating for dinner tomorrow.

Just Can’t Make This Up

2009-07-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

I meant to write a blog entry all day, but I was blocked by a lack of time, low energy and zero focus.

As luck would have it, I came upon several strange and wonderful (creatively speaking) Associated Press and Reuters articles featuring odd bits of news. Individually these articles deal with death, violence and drunken badgers – pretty serious subjects but together, these articles become more than the sum of their parts. They seem to form a gestalt entity if you will, more powerful than Voltron or Legion, that wields…okay, maybe not that far…

But I have to admit, I just can’t make this stuff up. Take a look at what the Associated Press and Reuters found:

1. Man dies after falling into vat of chocolate in NJ – AP
2. Cops: Nude man shows up at dental office days late – AP
3. Drunk badger blocks German road – AFP
4. Drunk badger disrupts traffic in Germany – Reuters
5. Ohio woman, 75, accused of beating fawn to death – AP
6. U.S. chicken feet are being booted out of China – Reuters
7. Game show looks to convert atheists – Reuters
8. Drunken tractor driver leads police on slow chase – Reuters
9. It’s not slang! Nev. Court permits ‘HOE’ license – AP
10. Turtles crawl on runway, delay flights at JFK – AP
11. Man ‘driving commando’ pulled over for speeding – AP

As they say, truth is stranger than fiction.

Slow to Respond

2009-07-07T13:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it takes me a while to reply to a question. A longtime ago, you asked me how I put up with you. To be frank my love, I don’t put up with anything.

For you see, my sweetie, stud muffin and sweet cheeks, it’s love.

Job Listing on Craigslist

2009-06-30T10:01:00.000-07:00

While scoping out Craigslist for employment opportunities, I ran across this ad in the “Best of Craigslist” area:

Cabana Boy NEEDED - Start ASAP
Date: 2009-05-22, 2:45PM PDT

In general... on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun...

Job Duties and Requirements:
-Must be able to operate a blender
-Must be experience with working iPod's
-Good with oil and sunscreen
-Must wear uniform
-Must enjoy sun and water
-Hand grape feedings necessary
-Be willing work at moments notice

This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies' company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don't be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

While I am not qualified for this job, I certainly appreciate anyone who meets these qualifications.

An Honest Question

2009-06-16T23:06:00.000-07:00

My Sweetie finally started the process of refinancing his mortgage. To qualify, he had to have his house appraised. On Monday, after he got home from work, he met up with his appraiser so that she could begin the process of evaluating his home. After the appraisal, I received a call:

Hi it’s me. I was just evaluated.

Hi you. You were evaluated huh? How did you do?

Er – I mean, I was appraised!

Oh…? So…how much are you worth?

I find that asking my Sweetie about

his life and activities helps demonstrate that I

am interested in him and care deeply about him.

That and I need cash for a trip to Vegas.

Conversation

2009-06-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

I received a phone call from my old alma mater the other day. These are normally awkward conversations and yesterday’s conversation was no exception.

Hello is this Babbling Banshee?

Yes, it is I.

I just need to confirm some information with you. Is “blah” correct?

Oh yes, I still live here in this house with that phone number. You will be able to call me as often as the Portland Symphony.

Okay, that’s good. So the reason I’m calling is to see if you would like to contribute this year. As you may know, tuition is going up and we -

Um, actually I don’t have a job right now. I don’t think I can afford -

Yeah, you know, we’re like getting that a lot right now. Well whatever you can donate would be help a lot. Even $25 dollars -

Actually at the moment, things are looking bleak and I –

Okay, that’s cool. You have a nice evening! Bye!

Bleak. The new cool. :)

Preventing Chubby Demons

2009-05-29T09:30:00.000-07:00

Since April, I’ve talked to quite a few friends and family members as well as blogged about being laid off. While these endeavors have not exorcised my personal demons, I feel that I’ve at least encouraged them to have a more active lifestyle.

My Sweetie doesn’t seem to mind having chubby demons. I, on the other hand, do not want them to be a burden on our healthcare system nor do I want them to start vying for my food. That’s my vanilla cupcake and I’m going to eat it!

Correction

2009-05-27T15:09:00.000-07:00

I recently made a dreadful mistake that I need to rectify with my reading audience.

Well, I say dreadful mistake, but really…

The dreadful mistake I am referring is a blog entry I posted on May 14th. Of course, this blog serves no purpose other than to expunge personal annoyances, legitimize my large and expensive art supply collection and blab about things (that I find amusing) to anyone with half an eye who wanders onto this site. This blog is not a personal journal. I do not present hip new fashion trends in this blog nor do I offer any solid commentary on political activity…unless you count the Vagina Voters entry posted in 2008. In other words, most of my blog entries are filled with mistakes or are a bit…um…skewed. Well, not so much skewed as they are...uh…embellished? I have a habit of mixing things up and putting a nice literary spin on my entries. At least that is my personal belief…or imagining…

I judge my entries more by the color of their language and not by the content of their character.

And when I was referring to my reading audience, what I really meant to say was…

I have about four or five friends that actually read this blog…after I pester them…so even though I made this mistake I feel that there was little personal or professional damage done.

The personal and professional damage I am referring to is my Sweetie’s. He has bonafide credentials that might make a technically savvy person cry. I’m not a technically savvy person nor do I have many personal or professional credentials. Nevertheless, I need to correct my May 14th entry so that he does not suffer (too much) at the hands of my creative liberties.

On May 14th, I stated that my Sweetie was “doing stuff with things again.” I should have said that my Sweetie was doing things with stuff again. I apologize for any confusion I may have caused.

Just Wondering Out Loud Again

2009-05-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

While recently watching the news on the economy, I couldn't help but wonder if management in some of the industries would resort to cannibalism.

Rabbits, when afraid, will attack and kill their own young but they don't eat their young. Using the young as a food source would be foolish as the young would not be adequate sources of nutrition or calories.

A better practice for management to adopt would be for them to absorb the power of their enemies through political or PR battles.

Doing Stuff with Things Again

2009-05-14T12:08:00.000-07:00

My Sweetie last night was very busy working on his computer.

He was very excited too - to my understanding, the training he received in Las Vegas came in very handy. I will do my best to describe the work he was doing on his computer. He created a web page containing four graphs and each graphs can be fed with live information. These graphs will help his co-workers more easily monitor various company outputs.

It's a vague description but true.

He also mentioned this programming combined Microsoft Expressions and Silverlight.

Hmmm...silverlight...silverlight...is that a new car color coming out later this year? I wouldn't mind a new Corolla in silverlight. Despite the toxicity, I love that new car smell.

My Sweetie. Doing stuff with things again. :)

Lingering Resentment

2009-05-13T12:54:00.000-07:00

So B, I just want to double check that you are okay. Are you sure you aren’t harboring any resentment towards your old employer for being laid off?

What, me? No. Why?

Oh, I noticed in yesterday’s blog entry that when I asked you if you had any lingering resentment you stated, “naw, not really.” What did you mean by “not really?”

Boy, aren’t you Miss Nosey!

B, I’m you. You’re talking to yourself again. This isn’t exactly investigative reporting. You just seem a little out of sorts and I want to make sure everything’s okay. You’re stuck at home, you need cash and you talk to dogs all day long. You must feel frustrated, right?

Well…

I can’t say I blame you. There’s a lot of stress going on. After all, you just posted a blog entry yesterday – and you’re posting another one today. That’s very unlike you. You must feel some resentment. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel something.

Well…maybe…oh I can’t talk about it.

Awe come-on, you can talk to me. Who am I going to tell? Besides, I don’t need specifics – actually I don’t want specifics. I just want to make sure you’re okay.

Well…it’s just that…(sigh)…

Take your time and remember I don’t need specifics. I want to make sure you are comfortable.

I think I can talk about this.

It would probably make you feel better.

It probably would but actually, I think I can say what I need to say through an antecdote.

Another story?

Story within a story. Anyway, my brother works for a very small company. And in this small company, he works with five other people. Guess how many managers he has overseeing him and his five coworkers?

One? Two?

There are three people managing the six people on the shop floor.

Sounds like your brother and his five friends are a bunch of wild and crazy guys.

What if they weren't? What if they were just a couple of hardworking and responsibly adults? What then?

Well, that would be just silly served on a plate with a side of annoying!

What’s Going On?

2009-05-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Hey B, how are you doing?

I’m okay.

What’s going on in your world?

Well, right now I am still doing the job hunt thing, I went to the doctor’s office to take care of some things and I seem to be attending a lot of free community workshops.

Hmmm, not bad, how did the doctor visits go?

Overall I am healthy but there are a few health "tics" I have to work on.

"Tics?" What "tics?" Are these blood sucking "tics?" (smile)

No and you're being silly again. It seems that a little capillary broke in my eye and it leaked a little fluid. There's like this spot on my eye where I can't see. The funny part was the nurse asked what line of work I was in.

How is that funny?

I guess high stress jobs see this more often such as air traffic controllers, cops, firemen, etc. I wasn’t an air traffic controller – that’s the funny part. My job, theoretically was the least stressful of the department.

B, you have an odd sense of humor. Did the doctor’s find anything else wrong with you?

I have psoriasis.

You lush.

I said PSORIASIS not CIRRHOSIS you twit!

Oh psoriasis, of course! (wink – wink) that sounds bad. How did you get this and where is it? Wait, do I want to know…?

Why are you winking? You don’t wink at psoriasis, you nit-wit. It’s just an autoimmune thing. You can’t catch this from me so quit backing up. It’s just a small patch of flaky skin on my head where I had brain surgery and I’m quite lucky that it’s such a small patch. I have some stuff to treat it.

That’s good, I’m glad to hear you are healthy and doing well. But come on, any lingering resentment towards your old employer?

Naw, not really.

What about the photo?

Photo? What photo?

You know, the photo on your wall that you’ve been throwing darts at.

Oh, THAT photo! That’s just a picture of the unspeakable one. I've had that photo on my wall for YEARS and I must admit that after five years, my aim has drastically improved.

Bracing for Bad News

2009-05-11T14:35:00.000-07:00

Over the years, I’ve received my share of bad news including news of illness, injury, death and loss. Over time, I’ve discovered that I only have one way to brace for bad news.

And it works for me.

It isn’t perfect but it seems to work well enough for me to use it in a variety of situations with a variety of people. I share with you in case you too need to brace yourself for bad news. Of course there are two aspects when bracing for bad news including the physical and the mental. I shall breakdown each part below into greater detail.

The Physical:
Usually I am sitting down and am not holding a pen, notebook or cup of coffee. I usually don’t throw things but I do not want to tempt fate especially if I am really angry.

The Mental:
This is where things get a little strange…I have a little chant I say in my head. It’s a simple chant. One that is easy to remember and say quickly in my mind. It’s lyrical but very powerful. It’s also really short and sweet. It does not beat around the bush for an hour while trying to get to the point. And it literally rolls off the mental tongue and bounces around the cranial cavern.

Oh, the chant, yes of course, nearly forgot: “Bring it B*tch.”

As I said, I’ve used this method a number of times and it seems work well for me. It isn’t perfect but it gets the job done. And it really does roll off the mental tongue…sometimes right out of the mind and down to the mouth as I sit at my computer and try to figure out the state’s unemployment website.

How am I?

2009-05-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

I’m okay.

I am still without a job but I am okay (of course this is only the second week of my unemployment. I am probably in the “novelty” stage.).

So, at the moment, I am on sabbatical.

Thursday April 23rd

2009-05-01T23:30:00.000-07:00

Sorry I was away. Last week, on Thursday, April 23rd, my employer laid me off due to lack of work…okay, it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to do, it’s just that they figured out it was getting hard to pay their employees.

Actually my "to do" list was quite long but instead of shortening that list at 10:30 am, I had to pack up all of my crap and hit the road.

Vamanos. Skedaddle. Outs-ville.

Last Thursday was rough and I wasn’t very happy during the weekend but by Monday, I realized that being laid off was not nearly as terrifying as receiving a phone call from the doctor’s regarding an MRI of the brain. A phone call that went something like this:

“Hello, Babbling Banshee?”

Speaking.

“Yes, I found something on your MRI. It’s significant and I’m afraid it might be cancer. I would like you to schedule an appointment as soon as possible to have your chest x-rayed. I’m afraid that what is in your head is malignant and has metastasized. How soon can you come in?”

Now THIS was terrifying. I can survive for a while without a job but as far as I know I need my brain to continue to breathe…and eat and move and…everything. How on earth could I have cancer in my brain?! If my brothers were correct, I didn’t even HAVE a brain to develop cancer in the first place. Were my brothers wrong??? :)

It turned out that indeed my brothers were wrong. I DID have a brain. The doctor's initial diagnosis was incorrect but I still needed morbid treatment.

And what could be more morbid than Brain surgery.

Oh, I know things have improved greatly. I know that brain surgery techniques have improved and people are surviving this surgery.

But this is not a cause for doing the Hokey Pokey...

I had to have brain surgery?! And the day of surgery was equally terrifying as the MRI phone call. I remember prepping for surgery...prepping that went something like this:

“Hi Babbling Banshee. Welcome to surgery. I need you to put your clothes in this bag and put on this gown. The nurse will come in and hook you up to an IV and then we’re going to shave your head. Do you need anything?”

“Um…I need the bathroom.”

And as the nurse shaved my head, I cried. I should mention that they did not shave all of my hair off. They only removed small patches…but I could hear them cutting my hair and shaving little patches…then I met my surgical team. They were very nice but I distinctly remember one of them carrying a gigantic needle…Dude! IT WAS HUGE! It looked like it was a foot long! WTF!

Brain surgery and scary phone calls definitely help put my job loss in perspective.

I am better and I have new blog material.

Hope you are well! :)

All Problems have Something

2009-04-16T07:00:00.000-07:00

Usually problems have solutions. Barring this, they have something. Sometimes the somethings make sense and sometimes they do not...

I don’t mean to say that they are illogical but rather the solutions seem slightly askew.

Take for example the biometric readers that were installed in the sterile environment. Money was spent, time was invested and the units were installed in a sterile environment at my Sweetie’s old workplace.

If the workers took off their gloves, they would contaminate their work environment but if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to logon to the lab computer.

Now at some companies, this would be a problem but not at my Sweetie’s company.

My Sweetie was on the job and he was ready to save the day.

What I didn’t realize at the beginning of this story is that some of these units could be programmed to read a nose print…so my Sweetie helped the lab workers program the biometric unit to read their nose prints.

Sterile environment retained and employees could access their computers. Case closed! Problem solved! Hence forth, the fingerprint readers shall be known as nose print readers.

Tax Day

2009-04-15T20:34:00.000-07:00

Well, it's time to rob Peter to pay Paul...

I just want to take this opportunity to say that I hate Paul's guts and as far as I'm concerned, he can go suck on an rotten egg...

Not so Smooth

2009-04-13T21:15:00.000-07:00

So things are busy with allergies, leaky roofs, tax season, baking…

Over the last few weeks at work, they installed biometric fingerprint readers at all of the computer stations. And the experience went rather smoothly. A pleasant surprise!

Of course, a smooth installation in one office does not translate into a smooth installation for another office.

Take my Sweetie’s old workplace.

They went out, bought a bunch of finger print scanners and installed them around his office. Now personally, I would assume that his old workplace formed a committee, identified a clear course of action, anticipated employee needs, scheduled installation, coordinated with training to inform staff…you know…normal project stuff. This is a big project and he use to work at a rather big company.

No surprises just good old normal projecty things. Common sense things

Imagine his surprise when he received a call from the lab regarding a little snag in the project.

Lab, “We’re having trouble with the fingerprint scanner.”

My Sweetie, “What kind of trouble are you having? All of those units should be tested and working.”

Lab, “Well, we’re in a sterile environment. How do we use the finger print scanner? We’re all wearing gloves.”

A "not so smooth" experience.

Back from Hiatus

2009-04-06T22:05:00.000-07:00

I am actually back from Hiatus. I was supposed to write this entry last week but it didn’t quite happen…

I must admit, Hiatus is not bad. It’s located somewhere between the State of Denial and the State of Bliss but the weather isn’t all that great.

I experienced and saw a few new things while there – always a treat. For example, I’m not sure what kind of lip gloss Goldie Hawn uses but I am certain it contains horse tranquilizers. This seems the most likely and plausible answer that helps explain her diction.

The lip gloss must also weigh 40 or 50 pounds.

I learned asparagus is a diarrheic and can be used as a powerful weapon against your enemies. I promise to only use it for...something. I will definitely use it for something.

I learned that swallowing your teeth is a difficult task. Try as she might, my cubicle neighbor is literally trying to swallow her teeth…day after day…week after week…it’s like a slurping vacuum cleaner attempting to hoover up every air particle within a fifteen mile radius…but there is some good news here. Her teeth are up to the challenge as she has not been able to successfully swallow them.

Not yet…but there’s always tomorrow…fiddle-dee-dee…

And the greatest news of all, I know what I will wear for Halloween.

Oo-raw!

Nearly Perfect

2009-04-01T22:05:00.000-07:00

Gummy Bear Vitamins.

Seriously!

They aren't as perfect as Flintstones Sour Gummy Vitamins
but they are close.

I would draw a picture of these things but how can I draw something
that is nearly perfect?
These hands of mine are simply inadequate to draw
such visions of loveliness.

Besides...they're gooey slimy blobs of artificial cherry flavoring.

Random Thoughts II

2009-03-11T22:01:00.000-07:00

I’m not really a person who sees the glass as half full or half empty because the damn thing is missing!

Do you get a free box of Pop Tarts with every presidential pardon?

The television show Sober Living probably does make an excellent drinking game but I’m having trouble trying to figure out the rules. Here’s what I have so far:
Take a sip every time someone swears.
Take a drink if someone hugs another person.
Take two drinks if someone cries.
Take a big swig if heroin is found.
Finish drink if public service commercial about addiction airs.

Economic Stimulus Package would probably be a great name for a sex toy.

After I die, I hope that I look as good as Orville Redenbacher. For a dead guy, he looked great in the commercials that aired over the holiday season.

Just a Doodle

2009-03-09T21:53:00.000-07:00

What the - Babbling Banshee, what on earth is this?

This drawing? It's just what you see.

Hmmm…well, it looks like a stick figure juggling some balls with his clothes are around his feet. Is that what this drawing is about?

This drawing? Oh, it’s just a doodle.

Words of Encouragement...I think

2009-03-04T21:39:00.000-08:00

These are the words of encourage I received tonight:

“Sometimes there’s a chocolate chip in the poo.”

My Sweetie and I share these words of encouragement with each other. It’s a way for us to support each other, share feelings and lighten each other moods…just how we are supporting each other is anyone’s guess but at least someone is saying something at times.

I’m not quite sure what feelings are being shared either but I’m willing to bet money that it's better for me not to go there.

Perhaps these words of encouragement will help you. Either way, I think my Sweetie needs to blog.

Hmmm, I Should Also Mention

2009-03-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

I should also mention that I am one of the individuals who, as of late, can't seem to tell the difference between sh*t and Shinola.

February was a tad rough for all of us. I am hoping that March will be a little more mild.

In the very least, I could try harder to avoid burning my mouth with scalding hot tea.

Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Doesn't Know Sh*t from Shinola

2009-03-01T16:26:00.001-08:00

Well it’s come to this.

I had hoped I wouldn’t have to do this but the last few weeks have gone too far.

I don’t really have a specific lesson plan here. This is just a basic visual representation of sh*t and Shinola.

Oh, I suppose I could have people send me an essay on how the sh*t or Shinola makes them feel or submit a five page comparative analysis of sh*t and Shinola…but then I would have to read all those papers and grade every. I’m not really interested in that.

I'll stick with cue cards. Okay here is the first one, this is sh*t:

Now this is Shinola:

Let’s review. Sh*t has a shorter spelling. It is also known as crap, poo and feces and it has a particular smell and texture unlike any other manmade material. But it doesn’t just have a physical presence. It transcends the physical world into the metaphysical. You can use it to describe your day as “it was sh*tty” or a person you talked to earlier in the day as in “that guy was full of sh*t.” So here it is, let’s give it all a big welcome back to the blog, sh*t!

Now let’s go back to Shinola. It has a longer spelling and a slightly different pronunciation. At one time it was a name brand shoe polish. Unfortunately, Shinola is no longer available to purchase but there are other brands of shoe polish that you can buy. For the most part, this particular shoe polish only had a physical presence on this earth but after it was paired with sh*t, it was transformed. Sadly, Shinola's only used today as an intelligence test. Can anyone tell the difference? We hope so but some the activities as of late seem to prove otherwise…so let’s give a big welcome to the shoe polish and hope that people can tell the difference…Shinola!

Photos used: Shinola from Wikipedia and Mr. Hanky from South Park

Just Gotta Say

2009-02-23T22:23:00.000-08:00

I did not make him eat fruit the other night.

He ate all of it under his own volition.

Honest! Pinkie swear and everything!

Big Date Tonight

2009-02-21T13:06:00.001-08:00

Tonight we celebrate my Sweetie's birthday. I am taking him to a nice downtown restaurant where we (hopefully) will eat some great food and drink some great wine.

Tonight, I promise NOT to:
1. Take him to see the Billy Joel's Broadway musical Movin' Out.
2. Make him watch the movie Rocky Balboa.
3. Force him to eat carbs including fruit.
4. Force him to watch me eat carbs including that huge tin of Dove chocolate I've been hiding for months.
5. Drive around town with him in my car while I locate that drug testing facility off of Mill Plain Boulevard.
6. Tease him about his GIGANTIC collection of shoes.
7. Call him on the phone before dinner when he is napping.
8. Aim to fill the conversation void while we eat dinner tonight.
9. Drink all of the wine.
10. Be late in heading over to the restaurant.

Oh man, not again...

2009-02-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

Yep...looks like I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.

(sigh) Man oh man, it just doesn't seem...sanitary. I suppose it would be very indecent of me to start singing at this point...Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early...light. What so proudly we...

yeah, that's pretty bad.

Holy sweet cheeks Batman.

I should probably say that I'm talking about Christian Bale and not

Michael Keaton. Sorry Michael. You do have great eyes.

It’s Time for an Update

2009-01-28T20:18:00.000-08:00

My poor Sweetie is experiencing a lot of stress.

It's unfortunate but it can't be avoided...and it's difficult for me to gauge how bad things are.

For example, in his stressed out state he re-wrote the classic phrase: “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.”

His new phrase: A kick in the crotch is worth two in the ass.

Honey, is everything okay?
You need more scotch?

Emergency! Emergency! All Hands on Deck!

2009-01-26T19:55:00.000-08:00

The Director rallies her troops and heroically answers the call to battle:

This is not a drill; all hands on deck!
This project is our number one priority!

Thanks for being so prompt everyone. As I said this is our number one priority and I would just like to take a moment to cover some key points. You may not be familiar with this project since I’ve only talked with the consultants. You also might not fully understand the sheer magnitude of this project. But make no mistake – this is extremely important for all of us as it will save my ass from an almost certain demise.
Now, let’s start with the first point…

Wait…um…is this everyone? I thought I made myself very clear by saying, “all hands on deck.”
I’m sorry; did you not understand what I said?
Could you round everyone up Frank?

Ah, that’s better, thank you Frank. As I was saying, I shall cover some key points. I talked extensively with the consultants about this and they haven’t done jack. The V.P. told me if I didn’t straighten out my ass, he'd throw it out on the street. Well, I don’t have to tell you…

Um…I guess I didn’t make myself clear?

I said, “All hands on deck.” Well? Come on…do I have to do everything for you? Yes, all hands.

Oh, well done everyone! See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?
I’m so proud of you.
See what happens when we all work together?

We can accomplish so much.

Oh, I should probably mention that we will need to make some difficult decisions to navigate this rocky road. I should also mention that we only have a limited number of tools at our disposal.

In the end, I know that we will pull together for this time of crisis. We always do. I also know that when you come together, you will see that there must be sacrifice in the end to get the job done. In the end, your sacrifice will help us complete this project!

Now just relax...

Are You Giving Thanks or Just Crap?

2009-01-21T23:09:00.000-08:00

About four weeks ago, I received a Baudville catalog in the mail.

You have not had the pleasure of thumbing through a Baudville catalog? You are so deprived!

Please, take a look at their website at Baudville.com!

The catalog I received featured something really special on the cover. The item is too much for words to describe but I believe it really captures the essence – nay, the very soul of the American consumer, the growing concern over our environment and is economical.

On the cover of this catalog was a tin of grass. Yes! You read that right. Grass – sold in a tin.

Yep, can’t beat that!

Okay, I’m probably not being fair so below is a catalog description of this product:

“Bring some green inside with this easy-growing, organic wheat grass kit! Just add water to promote your message of going green, and watch the little seeds grow into hearty blades of grass. Cutting is easy, just use your favorite pair of scissors! Kit includes the 16oz tin container, organic wheat grass seeds, and soil.”

The above item is available for managers to purchase if they need an item to recognize and reward “green behavior” in the office. If you have a green initiative going on at your office, you might need this thing. It is made in the USA; it is recycled, recyclable or consumable and it is designed with the environment in mind.

You may sense I have a problem with this product. You would be right.

I know gifts are difficult to find. I also know that it is hard to recognize good behavior and reward it with a small budget. But grass in a tin?

Problem 1: Some people are not able to care for silk plants.

Problem 2: “Green behavior” takes time to cultivate with education AND reward.

The “GLASS & METAL” bin does not need much instruction but the bins marked “COMPOST” and “PAPER RECYCLING” are confusing. I am familiar with compost and paper recycling. I am not familiar with the terms “meal box” and “food box.” While the “meal box” should be added to the compost bin and the "food box" added to the paper recycling bin, I am not able to distinguish between the two boxes. My meal box has food in it and my food box has a meal in it so DAMMIT, I NEED SOME HELP!

Problem 3: To reward good behavior, people need to take their heads out of their collective ass.

Obviously this problem does not apply to everyone. There are many good people out there who recognize hard work or good effort. I should also say that on occasion, I too suffer from head-up-my-ass-itis. It’s embarrassing and difficult but I don’t believe grass in a tin will help solve this problem.

Problem 4: I found this product under “Gifts and Food” at the Baudville website.

I couldn’t help but notice the uncanny similarities between this product and the grass sold in the pet shops around town. From what I found, Bell Rock Growers Pet Greens offers the same benefits that the Baudville G*Thanks Seed Tin offers. Below is a product description I found at Petco:

* 100% certified organic wheatgrass seed and soil mixture
* Aids in digestion for all animals
* Provides natural hairball control
* Saves your houseplants
* High in calcium--great for reptiles
* Birds love to juice and prune

While I was impressed with the above list, I still had reservations regarding this product. I had to take a long look at the picture:

Hmmm…it is certified organic and it comes in a bag that can be used for other things once the grass is dead. Not bad! Of course I can’t help but wonder if there is an ulterior motive at work with the Baudville product. Am I really an office cat in need of a digestive aid? Should I increase my calcium intake?

I’m not sure if the grass in the tin represents a token of thanks or is an effort by HR to improve employee health. Incenting employees to think and act green might be a front to have them eat more roughage.

I should also mention that this will not quell my need to abuse and harass the leased office plants.

Problem 5: Instead of wasting money on something we don’t want, ask us what we would like to receive as a token of appreciation.

The element of surprise is not always pleasant…it's kind of like a wet hairball on the floor…that you step on...in the middle of the night.

Annual Review

2009-01-14T21:39:00.000-08:00

Inspired by a Mutts cartoon I read:

No witnesses, no suspect, no motive, no alibi, no evidence...

and yet it's all a mystery.

The Red Flag I Didn’t See

2009-01-07T21:55:00.000-08:00

Boy oh boy, this was a red flag that I never saw or completely ignored. I was not a fresh-faced high school kid but a reasonably educated college student (okay, fairly reasonably).

I did have a small honest excuse for ignoring the red flag: it was a full-time position WITH benefits. While I had interviewed for other full-time jobs (with benefits), I never knew someone who worked at the company. In this case, I knew someone in management and I knew her daughter.

She knew the HR Director and she promised to put in a good word for me! Wow! I was dancing on cloud nine and ten! When trying to land a job, it isn’t always necessary to know someone at the company but it doesn’t hurt.

She was not only patient and wise but very motherly with a great sense of humor.

And she proceeded to tell me all about the company. Oh! The things she told me! It was the stuff that would make a college kid drool! You know the words: “good job,” “competitive wages,” “company believes in promoting from within,” “company is progressive,” “the company believes in education and has a strong training program,” “employees make decisions” and "employees are part of the decision-making process.”

Did I mention this company had a dental plan?

Well it wasn’t long before I was knocking on the company’s door saying, “Let me in!”

And by golly, I was called for an initial interview with the HR Director immediately after I submitted my application.

I was ready.

I went into the HR Director’s office and we spoke for a long time regarding myself, my education and the company.

The HR Director was awesome. She was like an older sister who didn’t mind if you borrowed her clothes on a Saturday night and then returned her clothes on Sunday all wrinkled. She was cool and she gave a realistic overview of the company and her experience.

During the interview, I marveled at her level-headedness and plain speech (corporate-lingo free). The job sounded too good to be true. She continued to speak at great length of her years at the company. And then she said that tiny little comment.

The tiny comment made my little mind go into overdrive. “Wait, what was that comment? She said something, something really small. What did she say?”

My facial expression must have said, “I didn’t quite catch that, could you say that again?” because she repeated her teeny-tiny comment.

“Moonlighting is a great way to make money.”

Moonlighting? Isn't that a television show? Oh yeah, Bruce Willis, that's right, it's all coming back to me now. Hee! Cute show. So, do you guys really have a dental plan?

If I played my cards right, I could meet Bruce Willis at work!

Scapegoat or Red Herring?

2008-12-30T22:26:00.000-08:00

Definitely a red herring.

Artist: Walter Spiess Jr at Morguefile

Poster: DIY poster at Despair.com

How do Conversations do That?

2008-12-28T21:58:00.000-08:00

As you may know, I talk a lot. It doesn’t seem to matter what I converse about but that I keep the conversation going…forever.

I would not describe this “continuo of conversation” as a personal goal but rather a celebration of ideas and interests as well as a sense of discovery.

I have to admit however that these conversations are long and sometimes slightly out of control. The length of the conversation never surprises me but the topics I end up talking about are a bit…unusual.

I’m talking about green snot unusual.

While there is no need to consult a doctor for these benign topics, I sometimes have to ask, “how did the conversation turn into this?” A fifteen minute chit-chat might turn into an hour long in-depth discussion that starts with a simple list of weekend activities before seguing to origami and deviled eggs recipes and then landing on Amway and John Tesh.

Does this mean we will talk about Yanni next?

Is Yanni still around?

I don’t want to hamper or control these lively conversational journeys but I would love to know how questions on departmental supplies turned into discussion about practical jokes or packing peanuts.

I may never find the answer to this conversational conundrum but I may also have a larger issue to face. I suppose the greatest issue that I face is that I should get back to work.

Words of Encouragement that Went Horribly Wrong

2008-12-26T23:50:00.000-08:00

Also titled: Sometimes, it’s Better Not to Say Anything.

I remember I ran into my old music director some time ago when I first began substitute teaching. I was surprised to bump into him during a “sub assignment” and I sat down with this “master teacher” to play catch up and compare war stories. I also hoped that he would share some words of advice to a newly graduated teacher.

I was really hoping.

You must understand that this man had a long and distinguished career with the school district and when I met him at this school, he was close to retirement. All of those years of instructing students would certainly lead to a treasure-trove of knowledge.

While I was not looking for a grand “passing of the torch” ceremony, I had hoped that he would share good solid information that would help me survive the realm of teaching.

I had just graduated from college and I was not employed as a full-time teacher. To make ends meet, I took a part-time job working in a deli while substituting. Perhaps he could share some pointers as to how I could survive the bureaucratic tendencies of my new school employer. Perhaps he would tell me about upcoming sub opportunities or, better yet, share valuable information that would led to my full-time employment.

I was certainly hopeful that he would share one invaluable knowledge "nugget" with a young teacher, such as me, and I cheerfully began a conversation with him.

It started out light and cordial. We discussed education credentials and scrutinized some of the state college education programs. After the thoughtful discourse, the conversation took a serious turn and the young teacher became a student once more.

“So,” the master began, “you’re substitute teaching now?”

“Oh yes!” exclaimed the young teacher while her countenance beamed. She then held her breath and waited for the master to speak.

“I just have to say…” chimed the wise master – here is the nugget of information! It took him years to aquire, assemble and refine this knowledge and now he shares it with someone he deems suitable.

He chose me - of all people! Me! Well this is pretty gosh-darn exciting and I cannot wait to scamper home and scrawl this in the personal journal. Maybe I should put this in the computer and print it out in a fancy font – it would look really cool in a frame! Sweet!

And this is the wisdom that I never received in college – you just can’t buy this stuff, you have to experience it. Live it. Breathe it.

And so, what was the nugget of information or vast treasure-trove of knowledge?

“I just have to say,” chimed the wise master, “that substitute teaching is one of the worst jobs EVER!!! I would never, ever, EVER do that in a million years!!!”

The young teacher stood in front of the wise master, her eyes wide as she gazed toward him in disbelief. She uttered a muffled syllable, “uh?”

The master carried on, oblivious to the crumbling walls that supported the young teacher. “Oh that is just the worst job in the world! I just would never, EVER do that! NEVER!”

I don’t remember too much after his last, “NEVER!” While these words were not the “final nail in the coffin,” they were added to my list of “why I don’t want to teach anymore.”

Perhaps he meant these words as encouragement for me to find full-time employment because the substitute teaching was not steady work and it had limited benefits. Whatever the reason, he told me something I already knew. Hearing him speak those words helped me evaluate my chosen career and set me on a new path.

At any rate, the school district lost another substitute teacher that year. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Or waited until summer break.

Saw the Commercial

2008-12-23T22:33:00.000-08:00

I just saw the commercial for Antonio Banderas Blue Seduction (I believe this link takes you to the Spanish version) and I must say that the advertising agency …well…did an okay job.

This commercial should work for most of the population although this is only my assumption because marketing research is not my forte. I do not make a living by asking people how laundry detergent (or cologne) makes them feel (thank heavens I do not do this for a living because I would probably scream at them to hurry up and make up their mind). I would also continue to scream at them using such phrases as, “why the hell are you all here if you don’t have an opinion?!” before throwing my clipboard at them.

This would be poor marketing research.

I seem to remember something about the wall clocks being sold in the stores too. If you looked at the packaged clocks, the little hand is on 10:00 and the big hand is on ten after 10:00 – makes a “smiley face.” People can’t buy sad clocks because they might feel…sad.

Yep, this invaluable information just swims in my head all day long…oh, yes I know marketing research can be a bit more complicated but I know that if I worked in this field, I would have to do the clipboard job - because it's the only job I’m qualified to do.

And I’ve wandered off again…what was I…oh yes, the commercial.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I’m disappointed in seeing Antonio’s commercial because it just doesn’t quite work for me – but hey, it’s only me so no big deal. While I like Dean Martin, I feel that a Spanish guitar playing frantically in the background would make the commercial more exciting – like sharks during a feeding frenzy. The advertisers (supported by the market research people) are probably wise not to compare women to sharks. These women might be frantic to go out and buy something. Advertisers do not want to provoke an attack. Like what happens at a huge shoe sale or a big Sunday brunch buffet.

And can anyone tell me why Antonio Banderas is still wearing his shirt? THIS IS INSANE!!! I believe the correct economic term I am looking for is “opportunity cost” but my memory is a bit foggy on this. I haven't studied this term in years so I only have a vague distant memory of what it meant.

Maybe I am reacting this way because I am jealous that this commercial was produced while my Antonio commercial sits around collecting dust.

Come to think of it, it’s probably better off collecting dust.

Test Results are in

2008-12-17T23:28:00.000-08:00

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
consultin' with the rain.

Well it took a while but the test results are in and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin' if I only had a brain.

As usually, the test results took a long time to arrive at my doorstep but their arrival marks a turning point in my life and also sheds a new light on a mysterious work problem.

I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le
in trouble or in pain.

I was not surprised when I read the results. I believe they did a great service to me, my family, my friends and my poor colleagues.

With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'
you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain.

This knowledge brings me enlightenment as well as a sense of empowerment. Now that I know the boundaries of my limitations and I can finally exceed them.

Oh, I could tell you why the ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before,
and then I'd sit, and think some more.

Who knew that my faulty brain still had the ability to find a balancing error in the millions? I must admit that it took me a while to find the error. I was rather sad because it was pretty obvious.

I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin’
my heart all full of pain.

Oddly enough, the consultants never mentioned this balancing error.

I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry
if I only had a brain.

As it happens, I do have a brain but, as you can see from the MRI test results, it is unremarkable. I should give it adequate time to warm up first before accelerating.

Did it Work?

2008-12-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

Hmmm...the interweb was awfully quiet today. Either that or I was not effective at selling my Sweetie's skill set through my blog.

I informed my Sweetie that I would keep my eyes peeled for any computer programming jobs offers that appeared on my blog site. As you might suspect, my blog is a continual hot bed of programmer and IS industry discussions. My knowledge of erectile dysfunction in Information Systems managers is impeccable and I am able to share this knowledge with so many people.

Well on second thought, maybe it is better that I try not to help him…

Brushing Off the Ol’ Resume

2008-12-07T21:59:00.000-08:00

Many articles were recently published online and in the newspapers to help people deal with the down economy. Some of these articles talked about how to improve someone’s interview skills or how to dress for success in the workplace. I imagined a few weeks ago that a friend might ask for my help in reviewing his or her resume but I had no idea that I would review my Sweetie’s resume.

I’m not sure how useful my critique of his resume would be but he insisted that I look at it. Before I show you excerpt of his resume, here is a comparison of our skill sets:

Sweetie:
He is a computer programmer who knows many applications and computer languages. He has over 17 years of experience in his field and he’s worked for a few big name companies. He has experience developing web based applications as well as managing people. He tried to explain to his frizzy hair girlfriend that he installed a virtual computer on his computer…oh…head still hurts…ouch…

Me:
I am a former music teacher who realized I would go crazy if I attempted to teach children how to play the kazoo every day for the rest of my life. In an effort to find a different (and saner) job, I took some business classes at the local college. I did take an Information System class but my experience is limited on this subject because my IS professor insisted on discussing his erectile dysfunction due to prostate surgery with the class. My work history includes several odd jobs before landing my current job where I sit at a desk all day and try to be useful.

As you can tell, there is a slight difference in our work experience and knowledge base. When my Sweetie gave me a copy of his resume to review, I quickly reviewed his educational background. This is what I read (or this is what I was able to read):

ASP.NET
Something
Something
Blah
C+++++++++
Something else I can’t remember

I was pretty sure that he spelled “Blah” correctly so I moved on to his work experience:

Sweetie worked at a company from 1992 to 1995
He did blah, blah, blah, something, something blah

Sweetie worked at a different company from 1995 to 2001
He did blah, blah, blah, something, something blah

I learned two things on this day. I learned that I should trust some of my English skills (my spelling skills to be precise). I also learned that my Sweetie does stuff with things.

My Favorite!

2008-12-04T20:09:00.000-08:00

It’s time to pull out an inspirational saying and give the troops a pep talk!

Really?! Oh this is my favorite thing in the whole-wide-world! What’s the quote?!

You seem rather excited all of a sudden.

Who me?! Yes! Yes I am! Give me the quote! I love quotes! I can’t get enough of these quotes! Tell-me-tell-me-tell-me-now! ...........Please?!

I only have the one quote kiddo, is that going to be enough?

Is that all? That’s okay; just tell me what it is! Oh! This is so exciting; tell me right now!

You don’t look well; maybe we can do this some other time. It can wait.

WHAT?! No, wait, you’re kidding right?! You can’t be serious; you have to tell me the inspirational saying right now! I want it! I must have it!

Look, it’s just one little saying with only a few words. Let’s do this some other time like next week when I have a better quote. As the economy goes down the tubes, we all need inspirational quotes to keep spirits high and to keep those numbers up!

Inspirational sayings while inspiring do not always cut the mustard when you need them to. They are more of a delectable icing on an iresistable cake waiting for people to take a bite and savor the flavor. Now give me that icing!!!

What if the quote comes at the end of an email?

Icing.

What if the email contains sales results?

Icing. Just give me the quote.

Okay, here we go. "Snowflakes - As they float to the earth, each unique tiny flake has no idea the impact it will make. Just like the snowflakes, we are no two alike, and our results are the best when we unite. Together we can make a difference!"

So...as flakes we should...fall? Form a glacier that melts under its own weight? What if I don't want to be a flake?

Too late.

Organizational Chart

2008-12-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

Everyday on my way to work, I drive by a huge field. On one side of the field, there is a line of young trees. Giant birds of prey insist on perching in these trees to survey the field for their next meal. There must be tons of food wandering around in the field because the birds are there every day.

I like looking at the birds because so many of their fields were recently plowed under and turned into housing developments and strip malls. While I like seeing these guys, I have to laugh at them because the limbs on the trees are thin and cannot support the weight of the bird without bending. Also the bird is flopping around a bit in the tree from the wind, rain or that the branch breaking.

When I look at these giant birds in these tiny trees, I can't help but think about how they represent what happens in some companys. There are all these huge fish in a tiny pond but of course fish don't look like magnificent creatures, especially when they are sitting in trees. So these raptors do a better job to represent the magnificent creatures of a company.

Below is a watercolor rendition of a raptor in a tree.

Unfortunately I only had time to paint one bird. If I had started painting earlier in the day, I could have added more birds to the tree thus creating an organizational chart.

He Definitely got it Right

2008-11-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

My Sweetie really hit the nail on the head last night. In one fell swoop, he summed up my entire life. But he didn't refer to my job or my educational background; he simply stated what I do from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm every day during the workweek.

Last night, as my Sweetie kissed me good night, he told me, “At work tomorrow, do your best to suffer through.”

I try to do my best everyday.

Today's Performance

2008-11-24T23:52:00.000-08:00

Well, it didn’t express an opinion or an idea but it was definitely…unique? Is that the word I’m looking for?

She is a young performer and her mind seems to wander at every performance but her delivery never lacks in character or color. She isn’t a bad performer but she doesn’t seem to have a climatic point in her piece. I cannot find a central focus to her music.

And where were the dynamics?!

She has good pitch but she needs to work on dynamics! I know that fortissimo is a dynamic but you need to have contrast like piano and mezzo piano.

I use to teach music so I should be able to critique today’s performance.

Let me back up a bit. Every morning at work, my cubicle neighbor performs for three hours by clicking her mouth, smacking her lips and yawning.

For three hours.

She performs for three – solid – hours…without interruption, commercial break or intermission.

Is this humanly possible?

Some people write books, others paint and still others compose a symphony. This could be her life’s work – her true masterpiece.

Some say that a person needs to be tormented in order to be a great artist. I’m not sure what is tormenting her but, from what I can tell, it is something huge, grotesque and nasty. It probably smells bad too.

I cannot define her masterpiece of sound but I will do my best as she is relentless in constructing it. It is a cacophony of percussive tones. These tones waft through the air and are accentuated by the smells of burned popcorn and cheap coffee. My college professors never discussed how food could blend with sound to form something unique and full of meaning for the listener. In my old college days, some musicians performed their recitals while dancers expressed the music through movement. The two performances would blend together to form something unique.

The percussive sounds discharged from my neighbor’s cubicle blend with the smell of burned popcorn and cheap coffee to form a unique harmonic experience that both smells and sounds like crap.

I do not have an audio of this performance but I did transcribe an atonal phrase below:

“Click, click – slurp – smack – slurp – yawn…click, click, click…smack – click – slurp.”

As I mentioned before, she tends to wander and perform everything at one dynamic.

It is a relentless barrage of sound that I must regrettable decline. Sadly I must trade the magic of live performance for pre-recorded music of modern times. It is a shame but I am forced to use my iPod at work. I received it last year as a gift. I thought it would bring me joy but unfortunately I did not understand the full ramifications of this gift. While an iPod can never replace the experience of a live performance, it will severely hamper my ability to listen to my neighbor’s daily performance.

Things are Getting Tense

2008-11-19T22:16:00.000-08:00

With the US economy going down the tank, pressure is mounting and things are getting tense.

I just need to “get my bearings.” Let’s see, the automakers are begging for a financial handout and many companies are facing hard times and a less lucrative holiday season. Earlier this year we saw many things turn brilliant hues and fall to the ground including leaves, WAMU, Bear Sterns, Freddie, Fannie and AIG. Gas prices were not confined by the laws of gravity and enjoyed staggering heights. Inflation and unemployment decided to come out and play with everyone because they were bored and didn’t have anything better to do.

This is big (and I’m not even looking at everything because it’s too big).

All of these things come together to form this massive load of colossal proportion!

I would venture to say that all of this stuff is causing a lot of tension and anxiety in the workplace. Heaven knows what kind of strain this is causing the average worker but what about the non-average worker (a “man plus”)? I’m not talking about the CEO; I’m talking about a person who actually works like the CFO or something. Can you imagine what kind of strain the CFO is under, working with the company financials while considering all of these economic factors? All of that weight is sitting on his shoulders. It’s just sitting there getting heavier and heavier.

What would happen to such a person?

Gas happens.

Apparently a lot of gas happens.

Today that gas was a bit "burpy." Well...it was more like a belch – a nice fat juicy belch.

As I said, the economy is causing a lot of stress in the workplace. This stress is more than one person can bear.

What should you do?

Long term: Avoid an economic recession.

Short term: Avoid being downwind.

11/20 - I should add that this post is dedicated to a "roadside bomb victim" at work. She began the recovery process today. I hear that she is out of critical condition and is recovering nicely.

A Solution

2008-11-18T00:30:00.000-08:00

My Sweetie is home after a long week of conferencing.

Sadly I was not able to secure a negotiation team for his light bulbs. Luckily the 12 gauge shot gun worked pretty well to eliminate any dissenting opinions.

A Letter to My Love

2008-11-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

Dearest Sweetheart,

I blew another bulb today which means two or three light bulbs died in your absence. These bulbs join their dead brethren whose bodies lay strewn about your house…well…not really strewn because they are still in the light sockets. All of their deaths cast a dark (what else can I say) shadow upon a house that was once filled with merriment, mirth and light.

Let’s see, you left last Saturday, right? At this rate, your entire house should be dark by…Friday?

If you ask me, I think they are waging some kind of war. The same bulbs are always the first to die - just like the pawns in a game of chess. I determined which bulbs belong to which warring factions but I don’t know why these two kingdoms are at war. It’s crazy! They have everything they need or want and they are foolishly throwing it all away. For what?! To prove a point?!

The war escalated this week and your home is now a killing field.

Now when I enter a room and turn on a light, I hear a little gunshot. I can’t take the tiny screams anymore. I now recognize that instead of changing a burned out light bulb, I was actually sending in a fresh recruit to continue this war. I will not be a part of the violence anymore!

The next logical step would be to call in an experienced team to initiate negotiations. I hope we can find a common ground and develop a peaceful resolution before you return this coming Saturday.

Yours truly,
Me

Google Analytics

2008-11-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

I like Google Analytics because it gives me insight into my blog.

For example I can see how many people visited my blog, what city they live in and even the key words they used to find my site – which is actually my favorite. Some people recently found my blog using these words: “butt plug,” “vagina voters” and “strange gifts.”

I’m not sure what kind of insight this gives me but I’m pretty sure that I’ll be able to buy a magic potion from the wizard in the near future.

Is George Leaving?

2008-11-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

Is it real? Am I dreaming?

Bush is really going away?

Reminder

2008-10-31T08:03:00.000-07:00

Please remember that the fun-size candy bars have no calories.
This is why they are considered fun.

The Sound of Silence

2008-10-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

I am known to stick my foot in my mouth. On occasion, I also kill many things including: good conversations, patience of friends and family, time and multiple trains of thoughts. I’m not proud of this fact. Please know that this is not my goal…its just that…well, it just…happens.

Here’s an example:

A couple of years ago, I was talking with the Frog Queen when the CEO wandered into our department. He had a few questions for the Frog Queen about some “CEO thing” after which he started to talk to us about his plans for summer.

The CEO exclaimed, “I’m going to New Orleans to hear some jazz – this is going to be great! What are you doing this summer Frog Queen?”

Frog Queen answered, “New Orleans, how fun! Me and my husband going to Ashland to see some plays! We are so excited!”

The CEO replied, “Ashland sounds fun too!” Then he turned to me and asked, “How about you Babbling Banshee, what will you be doing this summer?”

After a long pause I answered, “I get to have…brain surgery.”

I killed that conversation in two seconds flat.

New Tools of the Trade

2008-10-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

Sorry to be talking politics again but it seems that the pollster will be working for a couple more days. After conducting my interview with V, I realized that there might be pollsters out there who need a better tool to successfully perform an exit interview.

I was fortunate not to need such a device. It was like V understood that it was her responsibility to bring what she needed our interview. But I must admit that some pollsters may not be so fortunate.

I racked my brain to design a microphone that would be functional as well as comfortable. I like the freedom that accompanies battery operated devices but I wanted to make sure that this microphone was not bulky, heavy or awkward. Below is my design for the pollsters.

I think this will work.

I have a feeling that both the pollsters and the vagina voters will appreciate its sleek design, comfort and high absorbency. Even the cord enhances the microphone’s performance by protecting against unexpected leaks. Also note how smooth and wide the top part of the microphone is. It’s almost “pearl” like.

Vagina Voters

2008-10-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

There is much talk this year regarding the female vote (or as I refer to it, the vagina vote). I am not sure why it is so prevalent since women’s suffrage took place so long ago but here are my theories:

Theory one (my favorite): Politicians in this country were very sleepy after the turn of the century (in the 1900’s). The nation was gripped with terror - an irrational fear stemming from the belief that one’s abacus would cease to work on January 1st, 1900. Great fear causes great exhaustion and the politicians soon fell into a determined slumber. They later emerged from this slumber at the turn of the next new millennium where they were shocked to learn vaginas had the vote. Politicians had to enhance their appearances and their policies so that they would become more appealing to the vagina voters and they wooed the vaginas to vote for the dicks.

Theory two: This is an extremely close presidential race where the outcome might actually be determined by women. The stakes are high and in order to have a favorable outcome, politicians may need to court the vagina votes at every opportunity and at every level. The opportunities are vast and include politicians hiring vaginas as advisors or even as a running mate.

So…things are boiling down to the vagina vote.

Sorry, I just can’t let this go…I’m a little confused and a little pissed off. Are politicians pandering for the vagina vote?

Vaginas suddenly matter?! Vaginas are suddenly special?!

“Vote for the vagina because you have one!”
“Vote for the dick because he thinks of vagina!”

(sigh)

Dude, I’m confused and my head hurts.

But how do I explore the meaning of the vagina vote and how can I begin to understand the thought process or emotions of this organ? Although I have a vagina, I’ve never actually talk to it.

Now I am not a professional journalist but I think it would be unfair of me to just sit down and interview mine. Obviously, an ideal interview should be with a third party, unbiased, unblemished vagina, perhaps from the Midwest.

Unfortunately I do not have access to a Midwest vagina so I had to rely upon the rural vaginas in my local community. An opportunity did present itself earlier today and I sat down for a rare interview with a third party vagina to talk with her…him…it about its thoughts and feelings of this election year.

The Vagina Interview:
Hello and Welcome! I just want to thank you for sitting down with…for taking time out of your day to talk with me. Before we start this interview, would you like anything?

Hello and thank you for having me here. No, I’m fine thank you.

Well, first off, let me introduce myself, my name is Babbling Banshee and I just want to say that it’s a pleasure to talk with you face to fac…it’s just so nice to talk with you. Let’s get started. How would you describe yourself?

Hello Babbling Banshee, thank you again for having me here, believe me, it is such a pleasure for me to be here.

Please, call me B!

Well B.J…

Uh no...just B. please.

Oh excuse me, I do that sometimes. I don’t know where it comes from - ha! Well anyway, let me start off by describing myself as a very hard working, decent and patriotic American. I’m out there in the world just trying to earn a living wage and make a better life for myself and my children. I feel that it is my patriotic duty to instill a sense of hard work and an understanding of our faith in my children. Dick was just saying the other day…

Who?

Dick, he’s my husband.

Oh yes, of course. Please continue, what did Dick say?

Yes, he said that we were so blessed to live in this country of opportunity. We have the opportunity to live and worship how we see fit and that our children have that same opportunity.

How many children do you have, if you don’t mind me asking?

Dick and I have two children: Little Gonnor and Syphil.

Gonnor and Syphil?

Yes. My little Gonnor just turned five and Syphil is six years old. They both attend school now. It’s just so hard to believe how quickly they grow up.

I can tell that Gonnor and Syphil bring so much joy to your lives. Turning back to the more unpleasant part of our discussion, how have these turbulent economic times affected you and your family?

I must admit that I am a little nervous. We are making ends meet and we are blessed to be a healthy and happy family but the economy is a concern. Our retirement savings are wrapped up in the economy and I’m not as young as I use to be. I don’t want to work forever but I do want my children to attend college. I also recently had a health scare last month. The condition was treatable and thankfully it cleared up quickly but I have to admit that visiting my doctor was important. Without Dick’s health insurance through work, I don’t know how we would have coped.

You’re fully recovered?

Yes, thankfully, it was caught early before it became serious.

Dealing with a serious disease and the anxiety that comes with that illness must have been quite painful. You are fortunate.

Oh yes! Dick and I are both very fortunate. Early detection was key to a quick recovery.

Turning back to the economy, are you living paycheck to pay check to paycheck like so many other families?

No, we are not on the edge, not yet, but we are cutting down on our expenses. We no longer go out to dinner or the movies. We also stopped visiting those specialty boutiques that Dick loves so much.

What are you buying nowadays?

Basic necessities. I would like to buy something fun or exciting but food, gas, mortgage and clothes are so much more important.

So how do you make ends meet? Are you…working? Do you mind if I ask you?

Oh no, not at all, I do work part-time. Despite only working a few hours during the day, my paycheck is fairly sizeable. I have to admit that my work isn’t strenuous but it can be challenging.

Do you work in the service industry? I know that the wages and benefits aren’t as good as jobs in the manufacturing industry.

I work in a very old profession. Because I work part-time, I do not receive any medical benefits.

Old profession…?

I work for an Accounting Office. The hours are rather rigorous around April 15th but I normal only work a few hours a week. We use to have more small business owners come in for help with their quarterly taxes but I’m afraid we see fewer small business owners nowadays.

That’s terrible. Does the government bailout give you hope?

I’m am hopeful but I am rather sad and angry that my tax dollars have to bailout out Wall Street. I’ve heard Robert Reich on the Daily Show talk about Wall Street where we have Socialism for the rich and Capitalism for everyone else. I have to agree with his take on this situation. We are paying a heavy price for this mess but we can’t seem to avoid it.

Do you think that the bailout is the answer?

I, like so many others, don’t know what to think. I don’t know if this bailout is the answer we are looking for but what else can we do? I also hear there was quite a bit of things added to the bailout to help encourage senators and congressmen to approve the bill. Now I have to pay extra to pay for a bailout?! This just doesn’t make sense! I don’t know what they are going to do with all of our money but whoever ends up in the White House will have a huge pile of money waiting for him. He will also have a lot of responsibility.

Who would you like to see in the White House?

To be frank, I don’t know. Both candidates have something to say about the economy, jobs and the wars but each candidate comes with baggage.

How so?

I am wary of the cronies in the Good Old Party but really both parties have old cronies that hamper progress. The political ads feature mud slinging. There are also allegations of voter fraud. I’m not so sure how prevalent voter fraud is, especially with such organizations as ACORN, but it seems to coincide with a close election year. NPR has many stories concerning voter fraud. This political rhetoric is a huge distraction but I will make a decision and stick to it.

How will you make this decision?

I will continue to read their policies and look at their track records.

Will Sarah Palin’s gender sway your vote?

As far as I’m concerned, she’s a dick like all the rest.

Random Thoughts of the Day

2008-10-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

The sh*t that scares the hell out of me could be considered Holy Sh*t.

I love the phrase, "If you can dream it, you can do it" but it doesn't seem to cover my hallucinations.

Mini-conversation that I had with myself:
Me, "Hey look! I got some coprolite."
Myself, "No sh*t!"
Me, "Ancient sh*t!"

Ever notice how the Eskimo in the Alaska Airlines logo looks like Michael Landon?

For National Boss Day, give your boss the gift that keeps on giving: the Prisoner's Dilemma.

They say you can't make an omelet without cracking eggs but actually you can. They come in these milk carton thingies, they're great! I also hear that the egg whites are healthier for you anyway.

The person who never has any regrets in his life because everything is a learning experience obviously never sawed off his own limb.

Nothing can express sheer joy or sheer grief like a Mylar balloon. Nothing.

I am not a caffeine-junky. I just like the taste.

Idiots, idiots everywhere and not a thought to think.

Happy cows may come from California but I bet they vacation in Vegas.

New Thought for the Day:

2008-10-13T20:37:00.000-07:00

I wonder who will receive a presidential pardon from President Bush on his last day in office.

Hmmm…that’s a noodle-scratcher!

Caught in Mid-thought

2008-10-12T21:16:00.000-07:00

I realized a couple weeks ago that my profile is still incomplete. I did write a brief description of myself and I still consider it a crowning achievement because it is under 1,050 characters. I’m not sure who won the pool but I think it was a rather large sum of money…

Come to think of it…my sweetie was wearing some very nice pants this month…he normally only wears pants for “special” occasions such as painting the house, visiting old friends or buying his latte…hmmm…

Back to my profile! I realized that I never posted a photo of myself online. I’m not sure how important this is but I do feel a bit…naked…or a “voice without a head” so to speak. I wanted my photo to really capture "my essence" but I’m not much of a photographer. I also don’t have Photoshop to take care of those major blemishes…you know…especially the horrible one in the middle…what’s it called…oh yes, my face.

So here’s what I came up with, I call it, “Caught in Mid-thought.”

It takes a lot of energy for me to think...more than I would like to admit.

I also can’t remember anything so I have to write down everything before I forget but that is a separate drawing (one that involves me searching desperately for a pen and paper. Usually for 30 minutes).

So this is me when I’m thinking. And it’s really odd because people often ask me if I am okay. I have no idea what my face looks like when I am concentrating but I figure this drawing is fairly close. Note the arched eyebrows and pierced lips…well…my mouth is just a line in this drawing…I can’t really draw either…

I’m pretty sure my eyes do this because some people ask me if I need a drink of water or to sit down. My hair isn’t affected by my thinking…it’s always on the fritz.

I can assure you that I do feel fine and should feel even better when I have a spiffy new job some where over the damn rainbow where unicorns live in harmony with the damn elves and V.P.'s actually give a flying fuck.

Don’t Like the Telephone

2008-10-10T21:54:00.000-07:00

Well, not right now…

It became the deliverer of very bad news this pass week. This not the first time I received bad news over the phone nor will it be the last.

Ever notice how bad news starts out bad but ends worse? It's a difficult phrase spoken after an awkward pause. You realize after a few seconds that the news is bad but the news keeps getting worse. Reality sets in and you can’t believe what you just heard.

Here are some of the worst phrases I’ve heard over the phone:

“Can I speak to your mother, it’s about Grandma…”

“We found something on your MRI…”

“I just found out that my Dad…”

Oh, it isn’t always bad news. Sometimes the news is good. I also have to admit that I would rather receive bad news than no news. But Mr. Alexander Graham Bell, I must take exception to your invention for I cannot receive or send a hug.

Without a hug, the above words are almost too much to bear.