Sunday, October 19, 2008

Vagina Voters

There is much talk this year regarding the female vote (or as I refer to it, the vagina vote). I am not sure why it is so prevalent since women’s suffrage took place so long ago but here are my theories:

Theory one (my favorite): Politicians in this country were very sleepy after the turn of the century (in the 1900’s). The nation was gripped with terror - an irrational fear stemming from the belief that one’s abacus would cease to work on January 1st, 1900. Great fear causes great exhaustion and the politicians soon fell into a determined slumber. They later emerged from this slumber at the turn of the next new millennium where they were shocked to learn vaginas had the vote. Politicians had to enhance their appearances and their policies so that they would become more appealing to the vagina voters and they wooed the vaginas to vote for the dicks.

Theory two: This is an extremely close presidential race where the outcome might actually be determined by women. The stakes are high and in order to have a favorable outcome, politicians may need to court the vagina votes at every opportunity and at every level. The opportunities are vast and include politicians hiring vaginas as advisors or even as a running mate.

So…things are boiling down to the vagina vote.

Sorry, I just can’t let this go…I’m a little confused and a little pissed off. Are politicians pandering for the vagina vote?

Vaginas suddenly matter?! Vaginas are suddenly special?!

“Vote for the vagina because you have one!”
“Vote for the dick because he thinks of vagina!”


Dude, I’m confused and my head hurts.

But how do I explore the meaning of the vagina vote and how can I begin to understand the thought process or emotions of this organ? Although I have a vagina, I’ve never actually talk to it.

Now I am not a professional journalist but I think it would be unfair of me to just sit down and interview mine. Obviously, an ideal interview should be with a third party, unbiased, unblemished vagina, perhaps from the Midwest.

Unfortunately I do not have access to a Midwest vagina so I had to rely upon the rural vaginas in my local community. An opportunity did present itself earlier today and I sat down for a rare interview with a third party vagina to talk with her…him…it about its thoughts and feelings of this election year.

The Vagina Interview:
Hello and Welcome! I just want to thank you for sitting down with…for taking time out of your day to talk with me. Before we start this interview, would you like anything?

Hello and thank you for having me here. No, I’m fine thank you.

Well, first off, let me introduce myself, my name is Babbling Banshee and I just want to say that it’s a pleasure to talk with you face to fac…it’s just so nice to talk with you. Let’s get started. How would you describe yourself?

Hello Babbling Banshee, thank you again for having me here, believe me, it is such a pleasure for me to be here.

Please, call me B!

Well B.J…

Uh no...just B. please.

Oh excuse me, I do that sometimes. I don’t know where it comes from - ha! Well anyway, let me start off by describing myself as a very hard working, decent and patriotic American. I’m out there in the world just trying to earn a living wage and make a better life for myself and my children. I feel that it is my patriotic duty to instill a sense of hard work and an understanding of our faith in my children. Dick was just saying the other day…


Dick, he’s my husband.

Oh yes, of course. Please continue, what did Dick say?

Yes, he said that we were so blessed to live in this country of opportunity. We have the opportunity to live and worship how we see fit and that our children have that same opportunity.

How many children do you have, if you don’t mind me asking?

Dick and I have two children: Little Gonnor and Syphil.

Gonnor and Syphil?

Yes. My little Gonnor just turned five and Syphil is six years old. They both attend school now. It’s just so hard to believe how quickly they grow up.

I can tell that Gonnor and Syphil bring so much joy to your lives. Turning back to the more unpleasant part of our discussion, how have these turbulent economic times affected you and your family?

I must admit that I am a little nervous. We are making ends meet and we are blessed to be a healthy and happy family but the economy is a concern. Our retirement savings are wrapped up in the economy and I’m not as young as I use to be. I don’t want to work forever but I do want my children to attend college. I also recently had a health scare last month. The condition was treatable and thankfully it cleared up quickly but I have to admit that visiting my doctor was important. Without Dick’s health insurance through work, I don’t know how we would have coped.

You’re fully recovered?

Yes, thankfully, it was caught early before it became serious.

Dealing with a serious disease and the anxiety that comes with that illness must have been quite painful. You are fortunate.

Oh yes! Dick and I are both very fortunate. Early detection was key to a quick recovery.

Turning back to the economy, are you living paycheck to pay check to paycheck like so many other families?

No, we are not on the edge, not yet, but we are cutting down on our expenses. We no longer go out to dinner or the movies. We also stopped visiting those specialty boutiques that Dick loves so much.

What are you buying nowadays?

Basic necessities. I would like to buy something fun or exciting but food, gas, mortgage and clothes are so much more important.

So how do you make ends meet? Are you…working? Do you mind if I ask you?

Oh no, not at all, I do work part-time. Despite only working a few hours during the day, my paycheck is fairly sizeable. I have to admit that my work isn’t strenuous but it can be challenging.

Do you work in the service industry? I know that the wages and benefits aren’t as good as jobs in the manufacturing industry.

I work in a very old profession. Because I work part-time, I do not receive any medical benefits.

Old profession…?

I work for an Accounting Office. The hours are rather rigorous around April 15th but I normal only work a few hours a week. We use to have more small business owners come in for help with their quarterly taxes but I’m afraid we see fewer small business owners nowadays.

That’s terrible. Does the government bailout give you hope?

I’m am hopeful but I am rather sad and angry that my tax dollars have to bailout out Wall Street. I’ve heard Robert Reich on the Daily Show talk about Wall Street where we have Socialism for the rich and Capitalism for everyone else. I have to agree with his take on this situation. We are paying a heavy price for this mess but we can’t seem to avoid it.

Do you think that the bailout is the answer?

I, like so many others, don’t know what to think. I don’t know if this bailout is the answer we are looking for but what else can we do? I also hear there was quite a bit of things added to the bailout to help encourage senators and congressmen to approve the bill. Now I have to pay extra to pay for a bailout?! This just doesn’t make sense! I don’t know what they are going to do with all of our money but whoever ends up in the White House will have a huge pile of money waiting for him. He will also have a lot of responsibility.

Who would you like to see in the White House?

To be frank, I don’t know. Both candidates have something to say about the economy, jobs and the wars but each candidate comes with baggage.

How so?

I am wary of the cronies in the Good Old Party but really both parties have old cronies that hamper progress. The political ads feature mud slinging. There are also allegations of voter fraud. I’m not so sure how prevalent voter fraud is, especially with such organizations as ACORN, but it seems to coincide with a close election year. NPR has many stories concerning voter fraud. This political rhetoric is a huge distraction but I will make a decision and stick to it.

How will you make this decision?

I will continue to read their policies and look at their track records.

Will Sarah Palin’s gender sway your vote?

As far as I’m concerned, she’s a dick like all the rest.