I am Naive

I knew potty training videos existed.

I knew parents played these videos for their children as they drove home from daycare.

I did not realize the amazing clarity of the overhead LCD monitors in the minivans. The minivan that I followed home the other night had an amazing LCD monitor in the cabin. Despite being outside the minivan and traveling around 50 or 60 mph, I did not miss a single moment in Henry’s potty training adventure. It was totally awesome! Actually, I’m not too sure how fast I was traveling but I do remember the sheer exuberance of that cute little dancing bear when Henry dropped a kid off at the pool.

And let me add, Henry had an AMAZING party going on in the bathroom. A celebration filled with an ovation, dancing and an encore performance.

In retrospect, the color of the monitor seemed a bit off because the bear had a red hue (though I can’t be completely certain because I was about 15 to 20 feet from the monitor).

I certainly hope these parents adjust the color on that monitor as it might detract from Henry’s celebration.

Dilemma

What do you do when a man laments he has no chest hair?

Offer consoling words?

Buy him a chest wig?

I find these situations to be rather difficult.

Technology

In November, I began learning a new computer program on a new network and since then, I have the same conversation everyday with my computer. I would like to share that conversation for you.

BB: (function key) Computer? (function key again) Computer...hello?

Computer: (Snort!) Hey duuuude, whoa man, who turned on all the lights?

BB: (hit function key for a third time) Computer? Hello computer, could you please...

Computer: Hey man I'm serious, who turned the lights on in here? It's like, really bright man.

BB: Computer, since you're awake, could you look up some information for me? I'll, I'll turn out the lights for you?

Computer: Uh...um...I uh...yeah! Hey I could do that for you man. So let's do this, alright! (initial window pops opens)

BB: (type some information into initial window, hit "enter") I need you to find more information on this. This information please? He-hello? (function key)

Computer: Okay, let's do this! (initial window pops open...again)

BB: I did, I gave you some information, go look it up, go on, it won't bite, give it a try (hit "enter").

Computer: Oh! Oh yeah, dude here's your information (after 20 seconds a new window pops open with bevey of information)! Oh man that's AWESOME, I didn't know I could do that. Duuude!

BB: Thank you, that's very nice work. Let me just take a look at this, okay that's great, this is just what I need. Okay, so now I need to have you perform XY and Z. How do I get you to perform XY and Z?

Computer: Oh, that's easy, you can do that a couple of different ways. Under my first menu, use Alt "D," "K" or "R." If you need more information, you can go to my second menu and select Alt "M"...or was it Alt "N?"...I get those two confused.

BB: Alt "M" or "N?" First or second menu? How many menus and commands do you have? What is all this crap?

Computer: Hey! Hey don't touch that, you'll blow this place sky high man! (snicker) I got you man! I got you! (laughter followed by a snort). Seriously though, I have like eight menus and hundreds of commands. I'm not sure what you need 'cuz they all sound the same to me but hey, don't use the wrong one cuz it's a b*tch to fix a mistake.

BB: What the? I think that command is illegal in the State of Utah...ah, okay, here we go. ("Menu one," Alt "K"). Did that make sense? Computer? Hello?

BB: Are, are you still there?

Computer: I don't know what you did man but here's an error message.

BB: Why are you giving me an error message, you haven't done ANYTHING?! I haven't done anything! Your not supposed to give me an error message! Try it again and do it faster this time, you're so slow!

Computer: Oh sorry, no can-do man but here's an error message again. Oh, hey, did you see? I did that faster this time. Hey man, see you later.

Oh Johnny Boy!

Oh Johnny. I can't tell you how your message really struck home. The truth is sometimes too much to bear and too much to process.

And you, let me tell you that I just have to say that I...

Oh, excuse me, you're not Johnny, you're you. Hi you! And you might be wondering what I am talking about so let me back up a bit and explain. Back in December, I was accidentally listening to an easy listening rock station. Suddenly a smooth and Amway-style voice sauntered effortlessly through the air and told me to "remain calm, everything is okay."

But whose voice beckoned me from the great beyond and why was it telling me to remain calm. "Who are you voice? Is that you Rush? Martha? Wait a minute, that voice belongs to John Tesh (such a dapper fellow)." I thought.

"Yes John, what's that you speak of? My...my...mucus? Really?! Uh, what about my mucus? It could be green this time of year? Well it is Christmas and a lot of people like to...what did you say? Green mucus is nothing to worry about? Uh...great! That's just great news I will..."

And just as suddenly as his voice appeared in the air waves, it was gone.

Thank you John. You had the foresight to tell us to remain calm and accept our mucus color deferential. BTW, I shared your information immediately with all of my co-workers that day but I'm not sure they believed me. My voice is of inferior quality. The high pitch shriek probably prevented them from welcoming your message into their hearts and minds. I have a feeling that they would listen to you and heed your message of mucus equality. I think next Tuesday or Wednesday would be good for us to meet with you, if you would like to stop by we can get this all straightened out.

Where have all the mullets gone...