Friday, September 12, 2008

A Potential Snag

Someone had the decency to point out a potential snag with the Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll.

I found out that inebriated patrons in a bar might not be…coherent. Some of these folks might be on their twentieth shot of tequila, jagermeister or even lighter fluid. While these folks might be full of merriment and mirth, they may not have the ability to understand that the person in the corner of the bar is blowing off steam and screaming obscenities at a doll.
These people have a hard enough time staggering to the bar nuts/toilet/potted plant. They are never going to see a tiny Hello Kitty doll covered with feathers, colored stripes and straight pins. Adding insult to injury, these folks might misconstrue that the person in the corner is really a large panda who is screaming insults at the local (and beloved) football team.

Armed with the hatred of life and a large collection of footwear, these patrons might come over to tell that panda just to “calm the *blank* down.”

Which seems to translate into a right hook to my friend’s left jaw.

That friend, who is lying on the floor and who, moments ago, was playing with a Hello Kitty doll was my designated driver…well I just can’t let that happen.

So I created a newer, nay, gentler set of instructions and phrases for this doll. Below is the new set of kinder and gentler (dare I say, gentile) phrases. They contains virtually no language. It’s a wuss doll so it can carry the wuss language (much like a sparkly little handbag). With the language below, we can experience and embrace the kinder and gentler ways of a bygone era.

Hey, wasn’t Cheney around then too?

How to Use the Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll
1. Set doll on flat surface.
2. Select phrase and straight pin. See color chart.
3. Visualize phrase and select body part on doll.
4. When ready, begin to stab doll with pin while screaming phrase.
5. Stab doll firmly and repeatedly. Scream phrase frantically and loudly.
6. Stop when someone asks you to leave.

Color Chart/Phrase Chart for Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll
(Each color listed below refers to a colored straight pin and each colored pin is associated with a phrase.)

Green - Fooie!
Blue - Golly Gee!
Red - Dagnabbit!
Yellow - Drat!
Pink - Awe Schucks!
Purple - Leaping Lizards!
White - Funky Monkey!