They’re Plotting Against Me

They will have their revenge. When I least expect it, they will come in the night and get me while I am vulnerable and…um…well, I can only speculate what they will do to me. It will be horrible! Possibly adorable but mostly horrible!

Shhhhhh, be quiet!

Look!

They’re all STARING at me…with all of their tiny dot eyes!

Their tiny dot eyes!!!






I’m trying to type so quietly but they can hear me typing this blog entry and they know! They simply know I’m up to something. They can see me mouthing as I type this blog entry…I think they read my one normal blog entry!

I know it was them because I had more than one person visit my blog that day! What should I do, they know my weakness!

Must-not-hammer-at-keyboard-and-must-not-mouth-these-typed-words…

I can’t do it. (Sigh)

OH WHY COULD I LEARN TO TYPE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

WHY CAN’T I JUST SIT HERE WITH A VACANT STARE AND TYPE AT THE KEYBOARD WHILE SCRATCHING MY ARMPIT AND SLURPING A LUKEWARM DIET MOUNTAIN DEW (honey, I am NOT talking about you)???? (Sigh) I could have been happy…

Now I will have to sit and await my fate. They will act swiftly, I can feel it!

Oh hey, other news, I just got my “Forever More: The Greatest Hits of John Tesh” album last week. I stayed awake Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night listening to it. Those sleepless nights were absolutely amazing! I’m a little tired but John really spoke to me through his music. Actually, I think he’s speaking to me right now…did his album cover just wink at me?

Of course, I’m not sure if I will be able to fall asleep with all of those tiny dot eyes looking at me…they know that I’m…that I’m…zzzzzz…

Lingering Questions

The last doll I “made” was a “Pigasus” for my boyfriend. This “Pigasus” was inspired by a Pegasus Legacy computer program thingy that my boyfriend was working on.

I glued some tiny wings on an ugly piggy bank and stuck a plastic knife through the coin slot. The red paint streaks looked like blood but symbolized the amount of time my boyfriend wasted on the program.

When I made this thing, I did not have to worry about everyone questioning if the pig had a soul or the ramifications of shoving a knife in the pig’s back. When the boyfriend unveiled the “Pigasus” at his office, its presence seemed to create a wave of delight. I believe there was a line outside of his office; all of his coworkers wanted to catch a glimpse of the defunct mythical creature.

But lingering questions continue to swirl around this new voodoo doll – both the Hello Kitty personality and the Shitty Kitty personality. We may not be able to answer these questions but we could postulate and theorize until we have something that sounds good.

Doesn’t this doll have a soul?
I am not sure. She is extremely adorable and profitable which seems to fit nicely into the “has a soul” category.

On the flip side, the eyes are windows to the soul. This doll clearly does not have eyes. She may have pupils but the absence of eyes could imply that she does not have a soul…and that she has a severe drug problem.

Also, she’s not alive. Believe me, I have a lot of these kitties stored in plastic bags and not one has scratched a breathing hole through the plastic.

Obviously, I could talk about this for ever. For brevity’s sake, I will assume that this doll at least maintains some sort of essence or being. She has to for the sake of her perfume line.

What happens when I pierce this doll? Won’t she feel pain?
I don’t think so. She has essence and she is adorable but she is not alive. Luckily, the absence of life does not equal the absence of pain.

Hello Kitty was created in Japan but this doll was made in China. I believe Japan, like the Unites States, has a trade deficit with China. The corporate headquarters for Hello Kitty is also outsourcing the production for these dolls to China...so someone in Japan is definitely hurting…probably. But this kind of pain existed before you stabbed the doll with a straight pin.

We also have to consider all of the young Chinese factory workers who put their heart and soul into making each doll. You may visualize hurting some twit while saying a phrase and stabbing the doll but you’re really piercing the heart of a Chinese child.

So no, Hello Kitty feels no pain.

The Tale of Two Kitties

Yep, it’s another Hello Kitty entry. The doll keeps pulling me into its tiny cute vortex with her six vague whisker lines and her effervescent pink bow. I feel her eyes…pupils…vision dots staring at me. Those dots follow me when I walk across the room.

Not as creepy as the painting in Grandma’s house but close.

And I’m getting sidetracked...

There is always a of two things: right and wrong, good and evil, life and death…this is about the two voodoo doll personalities’ I created. Obviously the good doll is mild, gentle and surrounded by a bland aura…this version is the basic Hello Kitty. This doll is pictured below on the left. The other doll is obviously angrier. She harbors ill will and carries tiny brass knuckles in her little purse. She might be bitter about Keropii’s huge success or his raw sexual magnetism…yeah…sure…I’m psychoanalyzing a DOLL…











Here are both dolls. You might notice different colored lines or facial expressions…well, maybe…

Anyway, the evil doll on the right shall be known hereafter as

Sh*tty Kitty.

Thank you Mr. W for the wonderful name!

Of course Sh*tty Kitty had me a little worried because she might generate an unusual amount of…excrement…

Normally this is the least of my concerns but her name is Sh*tty Kitty. This might be her personal goal or it could be work related. Anyway, I created a small litter box for her. One that would match her small stature and perky nature – I found an old Easter basket (below). I also filled it with cotton balls because I thought sand would be too rough on her skin/fur/outer hull.

A Potential Snag

Someone had the decency to point out a potential snag with the Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll.

I found out that inebriated patrons in a bar might not be…coherent. Some of these folks might be on their twentieth shot of tequila, jagermeister or even lighter fluid. While these folks might be full of merriment and mirth, they may not have the ability to understand that the person in the corner of the bar is blowing off steam and screaming obscenities at a doll.
These people have a hard enough time staggering to the bar nuts/toilet/potted plant. They are never going to see a tiny Hello Kitty doll covered with feathers, colored stripes and straight pins. Adding insult to injury, these folks might misconstrue that the person in the corner is really a large panda who is screaming insults at the local (and beloved) football team.

Armed with the hatred of life and a large collection of footwear, these patrons might come over to tell that panda just to “calm the *blank* down.”

Which seems to translate into a right hook to my friend’s left jaw.

That friend, who is lying on the floor and who, moments ago, was playing with a Hello Kitty doll was my designated driver…well I just can’t let that happen.

So I created a newer, nay, gentler set of instructions and phrases for this doll. Below is the new set of kinder and gentler (dare I say, gentile) phrases. They contains virtually no language. It’s a wuss doll so it can carry the wuss language (much like a sparkly little handbag). With the language below, we can experience and embrace the kinder and gentler ways of a bygone era.

Hey, wasn’t Cheney around then too?

How to Use the Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll
1. Set doll on flat surface.
2. Select phrase and straight pin. See color chart.
3. Visualize phrase and select body part on doll.
4. When ready, begin to stab doll with pin while screaming phrase.
5. Stab doll firmly and repeatedly. Scream phrase frantically and loudly.
6. Stop when someone asks you to leave.

Color Chart/Phrase Chart for Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll
(Each color listed below refers to a colored straight pin and each colored pin is associated with a phrase.)

Green - Fooie!
Blue - Golly Gee!
Red - Dagnabbit!
Yellow - Drat!
Pink - Awe Schucks!
Purple - Leaping Lizards!
White - Funky Monkey!

Instructions

I must confess that I know absolutely nothing about voodoo dolls. I know that there are very specific instructions to make them and to use them…but I must confess that I’m more of a “do it yourself” kind of gal.

Usually “do it yourselfers” fall into two categories: people who read instructions and people who read AND follow instructions. Most of the time, I do fall into the latter category but this is difficult since I have to read the instruction manuals for the new machines. I always get frustrated and have to scream for you to hand me the stupid remote because you don’t know what the heck you're doing AND if you’d listen to me I wouldn’t have to repeat myself fifty times to you…

It was time to cut loose.

Technically I did find literature on how to make and use a voodoo doll. I technically read a few sentences on the subject…while it does not make me an expert on the subject, I do feel confident that I have some viable material to work with. I am talking about a Hello Kitty Doll. Also, the Hello Kitty Doll is a bit of a sore spot from my youth…making this an ideal situation to let out a little steam.
So, throwing complete caution to the wind, here are my original instructions for the Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll…and some language… it’s a strong doll so it can carry the strong language (much like a sparkly little handbag).


How to Use the Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll

1. Set doll on flat surface such as a bar stool.
2. Select phrase and straight pin. See color chart.
3. Visualize phrase and select body part on doll.
4. When ready, begin to stab doll with pin while screaming phrase.
5. Stab doll firmly and repeatedly. Scream phrase frantically and loudly.
6. Stop when barmaid asks you to leave.

Color Chart/Phrase Chart for Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll
(Each color listed below refers to a colored straight pin and each colored pin is associated with a phrase.)
Green – F*ckin’ Jerk
Blue – F*ckin’ Idiot
Red – F*ckin’ Asshole
Yellow – F*ckin’ D*ck
Pink – F*ckin’ B*tch
Purple – F*ckin’ Liar
White – Dumb A**

Strange Gifts

Some people have strange brew, I have strange gift(s). I was reminded of these strange gifts while watching The Graham Norton Show. It was the 2007 Christmas episode and the guests were talking about odd/terrible gifts they received for Christmas. The female guest mentioned that she received a Crock-pot from her husband…which isn’t great… Admittedly, it is not the most romantic gift that a wife could receive from her husband but it is actually not too bad…not super bad…not really…

The Crock-pot isn’t good but it is better than…library books. Yep…library books for Christmas. Should you receive library books for Christmas, please know that they are not really fun. I probably should have kept the books and forced my brother to pay the late fees...

What could be worse than library books? Why a box of Kleenex of course! My aunt was on a roll because she gave each of my brothers a packet of oatmeal. Yep, oat-meal...mmmmmm....

Now adays, I thankfully give away more of these strange gifts than I receive. While the gifts of my past do not excuse my behavior, they help explain why I give so many of these things away. For example, I attended a wedding reception a couple of weeks ago. Wedding receptions are normally rife with high expectations of the perfect gift for the perfect couple on the perfect day.

This bride and groom have a great sense of humor! Hurray, BB can go crazy! I normally make “adult only” piñatas but I thought this newly married couple needed something extra special for their early flight to Hawaii. I gave them a nice gift basket full of life’s simple pleasures. I suppose that is fancy verbiage to say that I gave them Twinkies for their wedding. To be honest, I did label them with “his” and “hers.” I think the labels added a touch of sophistication that is not normally associated with creamed filled sponge cakes. The Twinkies were not alone. I gave the happy couple Red Bull, Yogi Detox Tea, Pixie sticks, cigarettes and tons of lighters. It was an early flight to Hawaii and I wanted to make sure this couple boarded their plane on time!

I have to admit that I reached a new plateau of gifts for this wedding. I try to excel at everything I do and I want my gifts to go that extra mile and serve a purpose in the recipient’s life. My voodoo dolls are no exception. They aren’t better but they are different, how often have you see Hello Kitty Voodoo Dolls?! The transformation was amazing – compare the original and the Hello Kitty doll Voodoo Doll. The Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll just seems to have that certain something…other than the look of disgust, distain or shear panic...

Original Doll:

New Hello Kitty Voodoo Doll: