Technology

In November, I began learning a new computer program on a new network and since then, I have the same conversation everyday with my computer. I would like to share that conversation for you.

BB: (function key) Computer? (function key again) Computer...hello?

Computer: (Snort!) Hey duuuude, whoa man, who turned on all the lights?

BB: (hit function key for a third time) Computer? Hello computer, could you please...

Computer: Hey man I'm serious, who turned the lights on in here? It's like, really bright man.

BB: Computer, since you're awake, could you look up some information for me? I'll, I'll turn out the lights for you?

Computer: Uh...um...I uh...yeah! Hey I could do that for you man. So let's do this, alright! (initial window pops opens)

BB: (type some information into initial window, hit "enter") I need you to find more information on this. This information please? He-hello? (function key)

Computer: Okay, let's do this! (initial window pops open...again)

BB: I did, I gave you some information, go look it up, go on, it won't bite, give it a try (hit "enter").

Computer: Oh! Oh yeah, dude here's your information (after 20 seconds a new window pops open with bevey of information)! Oh man that's AWESOME, I didn't know I could do that. Duuude!

BB: Thank you, that's very nice work. Let me just take a look at this, okay that's great, this is just what I need. Okay, so now I need to have you perform XY and Z. How do I get you to perform XY and Z?

Computer: Oh, that's easy, you can do that a couple of different ways. Under my first menu, use Alt "D," "K" or "R." If you need more information, you can go to my second menu and select Alt "M"...or was it Alt "N?"...I get those two confused.

BB: Alt "M" or "N?" First or second menu? How many menus and commands do you have? What is all this crap?

Computer: Hey! Hey don't touch that, you'll blow this place sky high man! (snicker) I got you man! I got you! (laughter followed by a snort). Seriously though, I have like eight menus and hundreds of commands. I'm not sure what you need 'cuz they all sound the same to me but hey, don't use the wrong one cuz it's a b*tch to fix a mistake.

BB: What the? I think that command is illegal in the State of Utah...ah, okay, here we go. ("Menu one," Alt "K"). Did that make sense? Computer? Hello?

BB: Are, are you still there?

Computer: I don't know what you did man but here's an error message.

BB: Why are you giving me an error message, you haven't done ANYTHING?! I haven't done anything! Your not supposed to give me an error message! Try it again and do it faster this time, you're so slow!

Computer: Oh sorry, no can-do man but here's an error message again. Oh, hey, did you see? I did that faster this time. Hey man, see you later.

Correction

I recently made a dreadful mistake that I need to rectify with my reading audience.

Well, I say dreadful mistake, but really…

The dreadful mistake I am referring is a blog entry I posted on May 14th. Of course, this blog serves no purpose other than to expunge personal annoyances, legitimize my large and expensive art supply collection and blab about things (that I find amusing) to anyone with half an eye who wanders onto this site. This blog is not a personal journal. I do not present hip new fashion trends in this blog nor do I offer any solid commentary on political activity…unless you count the Vagina Voters entry posted in 2008. In other words, most of my blog entries are filled with mistakes or are a bit…um…skewed. Well, not so much skewed as they are...uh…embellished? I have a habit of mixing things up and putting a nice literary spin on my entries. At least that is my personal belief…or imagining…

I judge my entries more by the color of their language and not by the content of their character.


And when I was referring to my reading audience, what I really meant to say was…

I have about four or five friends that actually read this blog…after I pester them…so even though I made this mistake I feel that there was little personal or professional damage done.

The personal and professional damage I am referring to is my Sweetie’s. He has bonafide credentials that might make a technically savvy person cry. I’m not a technically savvy person nor do I have many personal or professional credentials. Nevertheless, I need to correct my May 14th entry so that he does not suffer (too much) at the hands of my creative liberties.

On May 14th, I stated that my Sweetie was “doing stuff with things again.” I should have said that my Sweetie was doing things with stuff again. I apologize for any confusion I may have caused.

Doing Stuff with Things Again

My Sweetie last night was very busy working on his computer.

He was very excited too - to my understanding, the training he received in Las Vegas came in very handy. I will do my best to describe the work he was doing on his computer. He created a web page containing four graphs and each graphs can be fed with live information. These graphs will help his co-workers more easily monitor various company outputs.

It's a vague description but true.

He also mentioned this programming combined Microsoft Expressions and Silverlight.

Hmmm...silverlight...silverlight...is that a new car color coming out later this year? I wouldn't mind a new Corolla in silverlight. Despite the toxicity, I love that new car smell.

My Sweetie. Doing stuff with things again. :)

All Problems have Something

Usually problems have solutions. Barring this, they have something. Sometimes the somethings make sense and sometimes they do not...

I don’t mean to say that they are illogical but rather the solutions seem slightly askew.

Take for example the biometric readers that were installed in the sterile environment. Money was spent, time was invested and the units were installed in a sterile environment at my Sweetie’s old workplace.

If the workers took off their gloves, they would contaminate their work environment but if they didn’t, they wouldn’t be able to logon to the lab computer.

Now at some companies, this would be a problem but not at my Sweetie’s company.

My Sweetie was on the job and he was ready to save the day.

What I didn’t realize at the beginning of this story is that some of these units could be programmed to read a nose print…so my Sweetie helped the lab workers program the biometric unit to read their nose prints.

Sterile environment retained and employees could access their computers. Case closed! Problem solved! Hence forth, the fingerprint readers shall be known as nose print readers.

Not so Smooth

So things are busy with allergies, leaky roofs, tax season, baking…

Over the last few weeks at work, they installed biometric fingerprint readers at all of the computer stations. And the experience went rather smoothly. A pleasant surprise!

Of course, a smooth installation in one office does not translate into a smooth installation for another office.

Take my Sweetie’s old workplace.

They went out, bought a bunch of finger print scanners and installed them around his office. Now personally, I would assume that his old workplace formed a committee, identified a clear course of action, anticipated employee needs, scheduled installation, coordinated with training to inform staff…you know…normal project stuff. This is a big project and he use to work at a rather big company.

No surprises just good old normal projecty things. Common sense things

Imagine his surprise when he received a call from the lab regarding a little snag in the project.

Lab, “We’re having trouble with the fingerprint scanner.”

My Sweetie, “What kind of trouble are you having? All of those units should be tested and working.”

Lab, “Well, we’re in a sterile environment. How do we use the finger print scanner? We’re all wearing gloves.”

A "not so smooth" experience.