Dreams and Schemes

Wow, where'd the time go? Isn't it still June? No?

It's JULY?! Crap...

I think "Left 4 Dead 2" should come with a warning label that says, "This video game is crack. Your eyeballs will dry out, your dog will hate you and the ice cream in your bowl will not only melt but also grow fuzzy as it sits there and waits for you to finish your stupid game."

I still have quite a few things on my "To Do" list to finish up although I did replace my dying cell phone and I mailed out my wedding invitations. I also got me my own URL because I am strange. Besides being strange, I also fight with Blogger everytime I compose a blog entry. After much thought, I decided to spend a little money to save some frustrations.

Stupid video game. Now want to shoot any child that is crying because he or she could be a witch...not a good urge to have...I think parents frown upon that kind of thing nowadays.

So hopefully I will be blogging more and shooting fewer dead people.

It is fun to watch the body parts fly though.

Drawing Class

A typical art professor? Perhaps.

He stood beneath a tuft of gray wavy hear. It seemed to nod in agreement as he spoke of artists, techniques and history. His tan corduroy pants seemed to gather at his feet to keep his ankles warm. His gray tweed jacket was cast aside quickly at the beginning of class so that he could use his hands to demonstrate points in his lecture.

His voice, though quiet, was steady as he shared an explosion of ideas with his new audience.

“There was a period called the Renaissance…”

“Many of Da Vinci’s ideas were drawn…”

“I work with glass…”

And his hair continued to nod silently in agreement.

Is he a typical art professor? I dunno but I’m hoping that I will learn a few things so that my stick figure drawings look a bit better. The next few weeks should be interesting – especially with the hair.

Also, as you can probably tell, I’m also reviewing notes from the creative writing class I took last fall. Hmmm…I should probably re-enroll in the creative writing class…:)

Hopefully I will be able to find these guys before the end of class.
I should probably clean my room...

He didn't say that using stencils is "cheating."

Vaguely Similar Stories:

Caught in Mid-thought, The Venn Diagram, Just a Doodle

Oh yeah, maybe this one too: Thankfully, I have a Creative Outlet

Well THAT’S a new one

Yesterday he walked up to me and told me my cooking was “crack.”

At first, I thought he was having difficulty annunciating the word “crap” but I was wrong. He did indeed use the word “crack.” Then he firmly (and loudly) declared again that my cooking was “CRACK!”

He did not describe that it looked, felt, smelled or tasted like crack but that it was crack.

Although I considered this a fairly heartfelt and slightly addicted comment, my brain sprang into action with a few considerations.

1. Could I exploit this? I’m always trying to find new revenue sources and I’ve never cared for the plethora of pyramid schemes out there including the real drug industry.

2. Would this put me into a new tax bracket? For me, the novelty of this idea is actually quite invigorating even if I have to send more money to the IRS.

3. Would this cause a problem with the DEA? I am not sure if the DEA distinguishes between “crack” and crack but I do know that I don’t want to find out.

4. How would Nancy Reagan feel about all of this? As a child of the eighties, I can’t help but wonder if my cooking is in some way letting her down.

Party Time, part II

So B, I heard you went to a party the other night, how was that?

It was good. We got to check out some exhibits, eat some food, an-

Wait, did you say “exhibits?” What kind of party was this?

It was our company party at OMSI. You know, that one museum over in Portland Oregon and I had a great time.

A party in a museum…okay…that’s different. Well? What about the details?

Is it that obvious?

Yes, your brain doesn’t function like others; what did your brain do?

I can say without a doubt that my brain behaved itself…fairly well…mostly fairly well. I did not cause injury to myself, others, the exhibits and the dessert table. I also believe I used my napkin in a proper, dignified and polite manner.

Napkin?

Yes, the napkin. See they had these white napkins on the table-

Hmmm…obviously I am not asking the right questions. You saw and/or did something at this party otherwise you would not be talking to yourself right now. Let’s start over, was there anything unusual about the food?

Uh, feta cheese with tomatoes served in pastry boats.

That seems normal.

It was on a platter in the buffet line located near the T-Rex exhibit.

Bingo! This must be about a display! Okay, so you were standing in the exhibit hall, what else did you see?

Teeth!

Teeth aren’t funny, what else did you see?

But we were eating, that isn’t funny? No? Um…well, there were the gestating fetuses.

Uh…that’s a little bit…um…

It was kitty-corner to where they were serving…uh…you know…(whisper) adult beverages.

Hmmm...I still don’t think this is the right exhibit. Was there a display that caught your eye? Was there an exhibit that you looked at for longer than a minute?

Yes, there was this huge anatomy display. It was a female mannequin and you could see her internal organs. She stood on the pedestal and there was a control panel right in front of her.

A control panel? That sounds interesting, what did she do?

One of the buttons on the giant control panel rotated her slowly on her pedestal. She was looking at all the desserts over on the table and I didn’t want her to feel like she was missing out on all the delicious brownies so I pushed the rotator button until she was looking at the nanotechnology instead.

That’s very kind of you but a giant control panel? What else did this control panel do?

Well, the other buttons were labeled with her internal organs. When I pressed a button, the corresponding internal organ lit up. I press all the buttons and watched all of her internal organs light up…well…most of them.

What kind of internal organs?

Um, let’s see, there was the brain, the lungs and the heart.

That’s good, nice to see those organs in fine working order.

Her boobs lit up too.

Really? I…I didn’t expect you to say that…um…I think they are called breasts.

Yeah, her breasts lit up which was really nice but I think she blew out an ovary. The left one didn’t light up at all. I kept pushing the button and only the right ovary lit up as if to say, “I’m still here!” I don't like burned out bulbs.

I, uh…wow…uh…I’m going to go now.

Of course, this party was a few weeks ago so I hope she is feeling better now.

Related story: Party Time (part I), A Letter to My Love, A Solution

Party Time

I recently attended a great party at OMSI in Portland Oregon. OMSI, which stands for Oregon Museum of Science and Industry, is a museum that houses science and technology exhibits that range from space exploration to dinosaurs. Many of their exhibits are interactive so you can really dive into the subject matter and learn what they are all about.

Of course for me, when it comes to the stuff I look at, I have a tendency to see what isn’t there…or sometimes I see what IS there…and I obsess about it (a little). I’m working on this bad habit but in the mean time I need to share the beautifully odd experience that I had at this party inside of this wonderful museum.

Now I need to admit that I've never attended a party at a museum before. I had a great time! All of the guests had the pleasure of listening to great food and good music. We also had the pleasure of touring two exhibit halls and checking out the displays in each hall. But, as I said, this was my first party at a museum and I couldn’t help but notice a few things in our main party room, the Planet Earth exhibit hall. This hall, which focused on many aspects of planet earth, included an exhibit on earth’s climate as well as many exhibits on prehistoric animals. Our tables were scattered around this hall and placed near the exhibits. While it was a tad odd to be dining next to such displays, I can see why the staff placed us in this area for a party. For one thing, there was tons of room for the buffet line at the base of a tyrannosaurus rex. The close proximity of tyrannosaurus rex made me feel really good about myself as I grazed on the lovely nibblies. There was something exhilarating about eating sliced cheese and ravioli thingies within striking distance of a large skeletal beast. Though famish, he was quite immobile.

The staff people were also very clever to place us in that event hall where each exhibit lent its unique charm and conversation to the party. While the saber tooth cat told us that it was “time to party” the mammoth teeth reminded the us party goers to “be mindful and chew our food.”

The pregnancy gestation exhibit was within a short walking distance of the…um…adult beverage table. Which was just around the um…well you know…and it was very…um well…it was a very pregnant exhibit.

But this was only the beginning of a wonderful evening. So many more exhibits to explore in the Life Hall next to the Planet Earth Hall. More to come.

The Infestation

I discovered the infestation by accident over the weekend. It was much larger than I had anticipated and I shuddered as I gazed upon their tiny forms packed side by side in that musty dresser drawer.

It was the perfect home. Hidden from sight and sunlight in a cool, dingy corner of the room, the filthy dresser sat forgotten. The colony must have started with just one or two rotund bodies and over time, became a thriving colony that formed the bulging pile I looked upon.
The air had a peculiar smell and I gagged as I held my breath from the nauseating yet sweet fragrance.

It could have been Tide or Wisk detergent.

For weeks, I found the little sock bodies throughout the house: nestled in the cushions the sofa, lodged underneath the coffee table and scattered on the kitchen stove. I knew the colony was quite huge when I started finding the bodies on top of the piano and inside the garage.

I can only pray that there is an exterminator out there who will bring a swift end to this thriving population.

I am Naive

I knew potty training videos existed.

I knew parents played these videos for their children as they drove home from daycare.

I did not realize the amazing clarity of the overhead LCD monitors in the minivans. The minivan that I followed home the other night had an amazing LCD monitor in the cabin. Despite being outside the minivan and traveling around 50 or 60 mph, I did not miss a single moment in Henry’s potty training adventure. It was totally awesome! Actually, I’m not too sure how fast I was traveling but I do remember the sheer exuberance of that cute little dancing bear when Henry dropped a kid off at the pool.

And let me add, Henry had an AMAZING party going on in the bathroom. A celebration filled with an ovation, dancing and an encore performance.

In retrospect, the color of the monitor seemed a bit off because the bear had a red hue (though I can’t be completely certain because I was about 15 to 20 feet from the monitor).

I certainly hope these parents adjust the color on that monitor as it might detract from Henry’s celebration.

The video for all ages! And all drivers!

A must-have for all vehicles who drive in front of me!

Technology

In November, I began learning a new computer program on a new network and since then, I have the same conversation everyday with my computer. I would like to share that conversation for you.

BB: (function key) Computer? (function key again) Computer...hello?

Computer: (Snort!) Hey duuuude, whoa man, who turned on all the lights?

BB: (hit function key for a third time) Computer? Hello computer, could you please...

Computer: Hey man I'm serious, who turned the lights on in here? It's like, really bright man.

BB: Computer, since you're awake, could you look up some information for me? I'll, I'll turn out the lights for you?

Computer: Uh...um...I uh...yeah! Hey I could do that for you man. So let's do this, alright! (initial window pops opens)

BB: (type some information into initial window, hit "enter") I need you to find more information on this. This information please? He-hello? (function key)

Computer: Okay, let's do this! (initial window pops open...again)

BB: I did, I gave you some information, go look it up, go on, it won't bite, give it a try (hit "enter").

Computer: Oh! Oh yeah, dude here's your information (after 20 seconds a new window pops open with bevey of information)! Oh man that's AWESOME, I didn't know I could do that. Duuude!

BB: Thank you, that's very nice work. Let me just take a look at this, okay that's great, this is just what I need. Okay, so now I need to have you perform XY and Z. How do I get you to perform XY and Z?

Computer: Oh, that's easy, you can do that a couple of different ways. Under my first menu, use Alt "D," "K" or "R." If you need more information, you can go to my second menu and select Alt "M"...or was it Alt "N?"...I get those two confused.

BB: Alt "M" or "N?" First or second menu? How many menus and commands do you have? What is all this crap?

Computer: Hey! Hey don't touch that, you'll blow this place sky high man! (snicker) I got you man! I got you! (laughter followed by a snort). Seriously though, I have like eight menus and hundreds of commands. I'm not sure what you need 'cuz they all sound the same to me but hey, don't use the wrong one cuz it's a b*tch to fix a mistake.

BB: What the? I think that command is illegal in the State of Utah...ah, okay, here we go. ("Menu one," Alt "K"). Did that make sense? Computer? Hello?

BB: Are, are you still there?

Computer: I don't know what you did man but here's an error message.

BB: Why are you giving me an error message, you haven't done ANYTHING?! I haven't done anything! Your not supposed to give me an error message! Try it again and do it faster this time, you're so slow!

Computer: Oh sorry, no can-do man but here's an error message again. Oh, hey, did you see? I did that faster this time. Hey man, see you later.

Sabbatical

Well, I do apologize for being away. Like so many others, I was unemployed for a number of months and had to really focus my energy on finding employment. I was finally able to find employment, but then I had to focus my energy on learning a new computer program (and in the process, I discovered how truly annoying some computer programmers are).

So, after many months of sending out resumes and attempting to converse with a self absorbed terrier, I am finally employed. And I find myself working with new people who are passionate about their job and they have a sense of humor. Yeah! Seriously! An honest sense of humor - apparently people in the real world still have a sense of humor. And they laugh! It's quite pleasant.

I almost forgot what real laughter was like. It's very nice

And by the end of 2009, I found that I had experienced a sort of mental cleansing...well...kind of...for me it resembled a colonic cleanse for my brain. Instead of constant intake of solid food, I was limited to living on lemon juice, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. My only regret is that I did not shed any weight in the process.

I am now hoping to publish several blog posts and get back to drawing.

And So It Begins...

I start jury duty at 8:00 am, provided that I can find a parking spot...assuming I will wake up on time.
But perhaps I am looking at this all wrong - the wrong angle, the wrong light, the wrong lens. Perhaps the picture is much bigger and grander than I realize. Maybe this will turn into a comedic episode of "Night Court" or maybe I'll run into Raymond Burr who is playing the incomparable Perry Mason.

What? "Night Court" was canceled years ago? Raymond Burr died in the 90's?!

Perhaps my rose colored lenses are just what the defense needs to establish reasonable doubt for the accused who is in for drunken disorderly conduct and urinating in undesignated areas.

Twelve angry men (and women), here I come!

The Blissful Day Has Come!

For weeks, anticipation hung heavily in the air while whispering sweet nothings into my ear. And I listened to these sweet nothings like an obedient little school girl. Standing transfixed, I happily waiting for the moment to arrive as I mindlessly pulled the skirt of my fluffy dress over my head.

The wait is over! The blissful day is here and everything is sunshine, unicorns and children’s laughter.

Oh, but perhaps you heard the sweet nothings floating through the air? They were accompanied by an angelic melody that could only come from the Spheres of the Universe. The lyrics were only comprised of two words sung over and over into a harmonious refrain.

Perhaps you did not hear the song?
Perhaps you did not hear the harmonious refrain?
And what were the two words sung from the heavens?

“Jury Duty.”


I beg your pardon but I need to go over to my corner and pull the skirt of my dress over my head again…

Just Can’t Make This Up

I meant to write a blog entry all day, but I was blocked by a lack of time, low energy and zero focus.

As luck would have it, I came upon several strange and wonderful (creatively speaking) Associated Press and Reuters articles featuring odd bits of news. Individually these articles deal with death, violence and drunken badgers – pretty serious subjects but together, these articles become more than the sum of their parts. They seem to form a gestalt entity if you will, more powerful than Voltron or Legion, that wields…okay, maybe not that far…

But I have to admit, I just can’t make this stuff up. Take a look at what the Associated Press and Reuters found:

1. Man dies after falling into vat of chocolate in NJ – AP
2. Cops: Nude man shows up at dental office days late – AP
3. Drunk badger blocks German road – AFP
4. Drunk badger disrupts traffic in Germany – Reuters
5. Ohio woman, 75, accused of beating fawn to death – AP
6. U.S. chicken feet are being booted out of China – Reuters
7. Game show looks to convert atheists – Reuters
8. Drunken tractor driver leads police on slow chase – Reuters
9. It’s not slang! Nev. Court permits ‘HOE’ license – AP
10. Turtles crawl on runway, delay flights at JFK – AP
11. Man ‘driving commando’ pulled over for speeding – AP

As they say, truth is stranger than fiction.

Preventing Chubby Demons

Since April, I’ve talked to quite a few friends and family members as well as blogged about being laid off. While these endeavors have not exorcised my personal demons, I feel that I’ve at least encouraged them to have a more active lifestyle.

My Sweetie doesn’t seem to mind having chubby demons. I, on the other hand, do not want them to be a burden on our healthcare system nor do I want them to start vying for my food. That’s my vanilla cupcake and I’m going to eat it!

Tax Day

Well, it's time to rob Peter to pay Paul...

I just want to take this opportunity to say that I hate Paul's guts and as far as I'm concerned, he can go suck on an rotten egg...

Back from Hiatus

I am actually back from Hiatus. I was supposed to write this entry last week but it didn’t quite happen…

I must admit, Hiatus is not bad. It’s located somewhere between the State of Denial and the State of Bliss but the weather isn’t all that great.

I experienced and saw a few new things while there – always a treat. For example, I’m not sure what kind of lip gloss Goldie Hawn uses but I am certain it contains horse tranquilizers. This seems the most likely and plausible answer that helps explain her diction.

The lip gloss must also weigh 40 or 50 pounds.

I learned asparagus is a diarrheic and can be used as a powerful weapon against your enemies. I promise to only use it for...something. I will definitely use it for something.

I learned that swallowing your teeth is a difficult task. Try as she might, my cubicle neighbor is literally trying to swallow her teeth…day after day…week after week…it’s like a slurping vacuum cleaner attempting to hoover up every air particle within a fifteen mile radius…but there is some good news here. Her teeth are up to the challenge as she has not been able to successfully swallow them.

Not yet…but there’s always tomorrow…fiddle-dee-dee…

And the greatest news of all, I know what I will wear for Halloween.

Oo-raw!

Nearly Perfect

Gummy Bear Vitamins.

Seriously!


They aren't as perfect as Flintstones Sour Gummy Vitamins
but they are close.

I would draw a picture of these things but how can I draw something
that is nearly perfect?
These hands of mine are simply inadequate to draw
such visions of loveliness.




Besides...they're gooey slimy blobs of artificial cherry flavoring.

Test Results are in

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
consultin' with the rain.

Well it took a while but the test results are in and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin' if I only had a brain.

As usually, the test results took a long time to arrive at my doorstep but their arrival marks a turning point in my life and also sheds a new light on a mysterious work problem.

I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le
in trouble or in pain.

I was not surprised when I read the results. I believe they did a great service to me, my family, my friends and my poor colleagues.

With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'
you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain.

This knowledge brings me enlightenment as well as a sense of empowerment. Now that I know the boundaries of my limitations and I can finally exceed them.

Oh, I could tell you why the ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before,
and then I'd sit, and think some more.

Who knew that my faulty brain still had the ability to find a balancing error in the millions? I must admit that it took me a while to find the error. I was rather sad because it was pretty obvious.

I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin’
my heart all full of pain.

Oddly enough, the consultants never mentioned this balancing error.

I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry
if I only had a brain.

As it happens, I do have a brain but, as you can see from the MRI test results, it is unremarkable. I should give it adequate time to warm up first before accelerating.

A Solution

My Sweetie is home after a long week of conferencing.

Sadly I was not able to secure a negotiation team for his light bulbs. Luckily the 12 gauge shot gun worked pretty well to eliminate any dissenting opinions.

A Letter to My Love

Dearest Sweetheart,

I blew another bulb today which means two or three light bulbs died in your absence. These bulbs join their dead brethren whose bodies lay strewn about your house…well…not really strewn because they are still in the light sockets. All of their deaths cast a dark (what else can I say) shadow upon a house that was once filled with merriment, mirth and light.

Let’s see, you left last Saturday, right? At this rate, your entire house should be dark by…Friday?

If you ask me, I think they are waging some kind of war. The same bulbs are always the first to die - just like the pawns in a game of chess. I determined which bulbs belong to which warring factions but I don’t know why these two kingdoms are at war. It’s crazy! They have everything they need or want and they are foolishly throwing it all away. For what?! To prove a point?!

The war escalated this week and your home is now a killing field.

Now when I enter a room and turn on a light, I hear a little gunshot. I can’t take the tiny screams anymore. I now recognize that instead of changing a burned out light bulb, I was actually sending in a fresh recruit to continue this war. I will not be a part of the violence anymore!

The next logical step would be to call in an experienced team to initiate negotiations. I hope we can find a common ground and develop a peaceful resolution before you return this coming Saturday.

Yours truly,
Me

Caught in Mid-thought

I realized a couple weeks ago that my profile is still incomplete. I did write a brief description of myself and I still consider it a crowning achievement because it is under 1,050 characters. I’m not sure who won the pool but I think it was a rather large sum of money…

Come to think of it…my sweetie was wearing some very nice pants this month…he normally only wears pants for “special” occasions such as painting the house, visiting old friends or buying his latte…hmmm…

Back to my profile! I realized that I never posted a photo of myself online. I’m not sure how important this is but I do feel a bit…naked…or a “voice without a head” so to speak. I wanted my photo to really capture "my essence" but I’m not much of a photographer. I also don’t have Photoshop to take care of those major blemishes…you know…especially the horrible one in the middle…what’s it called…oh yes, my face.

So here’s what I came up with, I call it, “Caught in Mid-thought.”



It takes a lot of energy for me to think...more than I would like to admit.

I also can’t remember anything so I have to write down everything before I forget but that is a separate drawing (one that involves me searching desperately for a pen and paper. Usually for 30 minutes).

So this is me when I’m thinking. And it’s really odd because people often ask me if I am okay. I have no idea what my face looks like when I am concentrating but I figure this drawing is fairly close. Note the arched eyebrows and pierced lips…well…my mouth is just a line in this drawing…I can’t really draw either…

I’m pretty sure my eyes do this because some people ask me if I need a drink of water or to sit down. My hair isn’t affected by my thinking…it’s always on the fritz.

I can assure you that I do feel fine and should feel even better when I have a spiffy new job some where over the damn rainbow where unicorns live in harmony with the damn elves and V.P.'s actually give a flying fuck.