A Fresh Start

Today I officially started my new job and my journal entry reflects all of the normal jitters that one might experience at the start of employment. Here is an excerpt from that journal entry:

“I forgot my social security at home and I am having flashbacks of an old workplace. I fear I am suffering from ‘my-ass-is-grass-itis.’ Hoping this fear will pass soon!”

I have a fresh start with a new company. I do not believe my fears are warranted and I anticipate that they will subside quickly.

Besides…how can anything go wrong when you’re listening to John Tesh?!

Similar Stories:
Oh Johnny Boy!; They're Plotting Against Me

Oh Johnny Boy!

Oh Johnny. I can't tell you how your message really struck home. The truth is sometimes too much to bear and too much to process.

And you, let me tell you that I just have to say that I...

Oh, excuse me, you're not Johnny, you're you. Hi you! And you might be wondering what I am talking about so let me back up a bit and explain. Back in December, I was accidentally listening to an easy listening rock station. Suddenly a smooth and Amway-style voice sauntered effortlessly through the air and told me to "remain calm, everything is okay."

But whose voice beckoned me from the great beyond and why was it telling me to remain calm. "Who are you voice? Is that you Rush? Martha? Wait a minute, that voice belongs to John Tesh (such a dapper fellow)." I thought.

"Yes John, what's that you speak of? My...my...mucus? Really?! Uh, what about my mucus? It could be green this time of year? Well it is Christmas and a lot of people like to...what did you say? Green mucus is nothing to worry about? Uh...great! That's just great news I will..."

And just as suddenly as his voice appeared in the air waves, it was gone.

Thank you John. You had the foresight to tell us to remain calm and accept our mucus color deferential. BTW, I shared your information immediately with all of my co-workers that day but I'm not sure they believed me. My voice is of inferior quality. The high pitch shriek probably prevented them from welcoming your message into their hearts and minds. I have a feeling that they would listen to you and heed your message of mucus equality. I think next Tuesday or Wednesday would be good for us to meet with you, if you would like to stop by we can get this all straightened out.

Where have all the mullets gone...

They’re Plotting Against Me

They will have their revenge. When I least expect it, they will come in the night and get me while I am vulnerable and…um…well, I can only speculate what they will do to me. It will be horrible! Possibly adorable but mostly horrible!

Shhhhhh, be quiet!

Look!

They’re all STARING at me…with all of their tiny dot eyes!

Their tiny dot eyes!!!






I’m trying to type so quietly but they can hear me typing this blog entry and they know! They simply know I’m up to something. They can see me mouthing as I type this blog entry…I think they read my one normal blog entry!

I know it was them because I had more than one person visit my blog that day! What should I do, they know my weakness!

Must-not-hammer-at-keyboard-and-must-not-mouth-these-typed-words…

I can’t do it. (Sigh)

OH WHY COULD I LEARN TO TYPE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?

WHY CAN’T I JUST SIT HERE WITH A VACANT STARE AND TYPE AT THE KEYBOARD WHILE SCRATCHING MY ARMPIT AND SLURPING A LUKEWARM DIET MOUNTAIN DEW (honey, I am NOT talking about you)???? (Sigh) I could have been happy…

Now I will have to sit and await my fate. They will act swiftly, I can feel it!

Oh hey, other news, I just got my “Forever More: The Greatest Hits of John Tesh” album last week. I stayed awake Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday night listening to it. Those sleepless nights were absolutely amazing! I’m a little tired but John really spoke to me through his music. Actually, I think he’s speaking to me right now…did his album cover just wink at me?

Of course, I’m not sure if I will be able to fall asleep with all of those tiny dot eyes looking at me…they know that I’m…that I’m…zzzzzz…

Together we can conquer fear!

I'm here for you Frog Queen! I understand your fear and

you are not alone! The horror!

The absolute horror for he who must not be named!

And yet our greatest fear is fear itself. If we do not face our fear

it will only grow in strength until it swallows us whole.

We cannot let this fear paralyze us, beat us down or defeat us!

We must soldier on and face our fear!

I'm with you Frog Queen and together

we can do this! I give you John Tesh!

See?!

That's not so bad, is it? Wow, is that really his hair?

Holy crap! That's impossible! Okay, here he comes again.

John Tesh!

Wow, I think that was a lot easier this time...yeah...

I think so.

Boy, I think I'd better sit down and take a little breather on that.

Whew! This is harder than I thought.

Are those sequins on his jacket? Oh my...whew!

Okay, I'm feeling better, how about you? Feeling better?

Okay here's another. I give you John Tesh!

Ooooooo...I don't think I feel very good...yeah...

my stomach feels like there's something swimming

around down there. Is it me or are the pictures getting a little blurry...

I dunno...

hair...sequins...leather undies (gasp).

It's almost too much...I can't,

NO! I MUST DO THIS! I CANNOT GIVE UP!

I MUST FIGHT! Lives are at stake!

How about you, ready? We can do it!

We can face our fears and conquer this, this...Good Lord,

what is this thing? Okay, it's just like looking at a puppy or

a baby on the street. Just a glance. One quick little glance and it's all done.

Ready? Okay, here we go. John Tesh!

That sure as hell ain't no puppy.

Okay, that is just scary as hell!

Sorry, I can't do this. I just can't do it!

I only pray there are stronger people out there

to soldier on and carry on the fight.

Leave me! Save yourselves!

Cough! Cough! Cough!

Run!