What’s that noise?

Architecturally speaking, I work in a nearly perfect building so imagine my surprise when I discovered a major flaw in the building’s construction. This flaw, though not fatal, is certainly not conducive to a professional work environment.

“Not conducive to a professional working environment? Babs, are you talking about yourself again?” Nope, for a change I am actually focusing on my workplace and more specifically the environment of my workplace.

To set the stage, I must first describe this building which I thought to be a place of distinction and decorum. I now realize it actually resembles a place of “stink-tion” and discord. The building is filled with skilled professional businessmen and women who conduct their business activities in a polite and professional manner. Who knew their business could become everyone’s business? And who knew their bladders were so small?

I shall start with the exterior of the heavenly architecture. The demure brick and mortar façade belies the stately cathedral-like structure within. As you enter the building, you are greeted by rough tile carved from ancient stone. The stonework stretches towards the inner sanctum and stops at the marble colored alter. As you continue your pilgrimage through the building, you are swallowed by the great expanse of the lobby and the open offices. You are then bathed in light reflected from the golden walls. Looking for a source of that light, you gaze upwards towards the wood ceiling above you where you are finally able to see the skylights and wooden crossbeams suspended in the air.

So in other words, this beautiful building with a very large and fairly smooth interior does not have any materials to absorb sound. It has a bit of an echo. Echoes are okay though they make hearing difficult. I don’t mind echoes but I do object to the sound amplification.

What’s so bad about sound amplification? Well…um…sometimes you shouldn’t be able to hear everything that is going on in a room. Or in various parts of the building…for example, someone who is suffering from allergies or a cold will be able to perform a small recital by vacating his or her nasal passages into a facial tissue. We may not be able to see the contents of that facial tissue but we will certainly be able to guess the characteristics of those contents based on the performer’s musical interpretation.

Listening to someone tooting his or her horn could be fun.

This could explain why the architects placed the restrooms so close to the lobby. Let me just take a moment to emphasize (again) that everything from all parts of the building is amplified. Everything!


So, my work “to do” list is a bit larger than usual:

Focus on relationships with co-workers and customers
Focus on the positive
Focus on sales
Drink plenty of water
Eat a balanced diet
Be sure to have a bottle of Bean-o on hand at all times

Setting the Record Straight

I just want to let you know that I was not the bearer of bad news today.

I use to be the bearer of bad news at work and at home but no more! I’ve turned a new leaf! I’ve learned my lesson and my lips are sealed! Here are some examples of the new mantras I chant:

Sales are strong!

Business is booming!

The economy is doing great!

The weather is sunny and that is not an error message on your monitor saying, “PC load letter!”

Oh, by the way, your great aunt who has terminal cancer finally moved to her beloved exotic island so that she could paint pictures of all of her new young native lovers. She is alive and well but the village where she lives does not have a telephone so you will never be able to talk with her again.

Besides, she’ll be too busy painting all those cute boys and drinking delicious fruity drinks to talk to you!

See? It’s all rainbows, lollipops and unicorns from here on out. And if you heard otherwise, remember, you did not hear it from me!

Probably should have had one of these suckers in the room!

Remotely Similar Stories
A Fresh Start, Job Listing on Craigslist, Preventing Chubby Demons

It's a Sign

Every time I sit down to watch a horror flick that references the Beast or the Antichrist, a major argument erupts in my head making it difficult to enjoy the film. The source of my contention began many years ago when I worked at a local deli in a grocery store. The cold and hot cases in the deli contained a bevy of foods from potato salad to fried chicken. It was here, while transitioning from childhood to adulthood that my young and impressionable mind absorbed inconspicuous amounts of information about the world which would later lead to a life of incoherent and belligerent self-babble.

How can a deli alter one’s view and enjoyment of a horror flick? At the deli, the number 666 was the code I used to weigh and price the Jell-O for customers on the food scale. I’m not sure if the deli manager was having fun when she programmed the food scale but I cannot gaze upon this number without thinking of greenish, two week old, gelatinous ooze covered in a white slimy film that sold for $1.49 per pound. I suppose the white slimy film was whip cream but really, it could have been anything…

666 is the sign of the Beast? Only if the Beast is a bland blob of greenish sludge sitting in a plastic salad bowl near the macaroni and three bean salad. If I wanted to look at something that resembled something beast-like, all I had to do was let my eyes wander over to the deli meat section and take a gander at the gray head cheese ominously sitting between the provolone and the smoked ham.

“But head cheese is the best!” I hear you cry. Yes, I’ve heard a few people extol the delectable elements of this cold cut but I never could muster the strength to eat it. For one thing, it doesn’t smell very appetizing. I also had trouble with the sound of head cheese – oh, it makes a sound…invariably someone would request a pound of the stuff to be sliced so that he or she could actually buy it. The thinly sliced grayish gelatin would slide down the blade of the meat slicer and fall into a pile on the wax paper below making a cold, “blop” sound. Thankfully it required a different code to calculate and print a UPC label.

We sold more Jell-O than head cheese so perhaps the Jell-O won the coin toss to use 666. So, as I gaze upon the Beast lunging across the room toward some shrieking woman in the horror film, I can’t help wondering if he is fresh and if he is raspberry flavored. If he is, it would be a welcomed and long awaited change.

I've never seen this movie and I probably won't:


Headcheese! Almost available!



Remotely Similar Story:
It's Time for an Update

A Fresh Start

Today I officially started my new job and my journal entry reflects all of the normal jitters that one might experience at the start of employment. Here is an excerpt from that journal entry:

“I forgot my social security at home and I am having flashbacks of an old workplace. I fear I am suffering from ‘my-ass-is-grass-itis.’ Hoping this fear will pass soon!”

I have a fresh start with a new company. I do not believe my fears are warranted and I anticipate that they will subside quickly.

Besides…how can anything go wrong when you’re listening to John Tesh?!

Similar Stories:
Oh Johnny Boy!; They're Plotting Against Me

Serenade at Work

Okay B, I thought I could just walk away but…why do you have a jar of marshmallow crème on your desk?

What, that? Oh, it’s been there a while. I can’t seem to find a place to store it. Hey, want to know something interesting? I was serenaded at work yesterday.

Serenaded? How does that happen at work? Did somebody come to your workplace and start singing?

He works there and let me just admit that I was NOT expecting that. I’m not sure that it counts as a serenade because he was singing along with a recording.

What song?

I think it was something by Kiss.

What, you don’t know who was singing?! You don’t even know the song?! How, how can you not know?! Wait a minute…weren’t you a music major in college?

Oh that degree doesn’t count…look…let me just say that I was mortified...actually that is a very harsh description; I should say I was a bit stunned.

You? You were stunned? Were you actually speechless? Wow, that’s a new one. How was his singing?

Luckily his performance was above par. He faired better than the pubescent girls belting out Motley Crue songs at the local eatery on family karaoke night. He was fairly decent and he could almost carry a tune but I do feel cheated as there was no air guitar.

No air guitar?

Not one lick but thankfully his tat did have flames.

Well, that is something to be thankful for. You do know it’s a sin not to sing along with a Kiss recording.

Oh yes, I know, my parents raised me properly…I’ve just be very neglectful these last few months. By the way, don’t go to your local eatery on Tuesdays.

Thanks for the heads up!

Other Performances:
Today's Performance, Back from Hiatus,

Job Listing on Craigslist

While scoping out Craigslist for employment opportunities, I ran across this ad in the “Best of Craigslist” area:

Cabana Boy NEEDED - Start ASAP
Date: 2009-05-22, 2:45PM PDT

In general... on hot days like these we need some support while we relax out in the sun...

Job Duties and Requirements:
-Must be able to operate a blender
-Must be experience with working iPod's
-Good with oil and sunscreen
-Must wear uniform
-Must enjoy sun and water
-Hand grape feedings necessary
-Be willing work at moments notice

This is an excellent position for anyone that needs to get a little Vitamin D and enjoy some sexy ladies' company. This is a non-paid internship, but the perks are excellent: drinks, company and laughs! Please send picture and measurements (don't be disgusting!). SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
Compensation: no pay

While I am not qualified for this job, I certainly appreciate anyone who meets these qualifications.

Preventing Chubby Demons

Since April, I’ve talked to quite a few friends and family members as well as blogged about being laid off. While these endeavors have not exorcised my personal demons, I feel that I’ve at least encouraged them to have a more active lifestyle.

My Sweetie doesn’t seem to mind having chubby demons. I, on the other hand, do not want them to be a burden on our healthcare system nor do I want them to start vying for my food. That’s my vanilla cupcake and I’m going to eat it!

Lingering Resentment

So B, I just want to double check that you are okay. Are you sure you aren’t harboring any resentment towards your old employer for being laid off?

What, me? No. Why?

Oh, I noticed in yesterday’s blog entry that when I asked you if you had any lingering resentment you stated, “naw, not really.” What did you mean by “not really?”

Boy, aren’t you Miss Nosey!

B, I’m you. You’re talking to yourself again. This isn’t exactly investigative reporting. You just seem a little out of sorts and I want to make sure everything’s okay. You’re stuck at home, you need cash and you talk to dogs all day long. You must feel frustrated, right?

Well…

I can’t say I blame you. There’s a lot of stress going on. After all, you just posted a blog entry yesterday – and you’re posting another one today. That’s very unlike you. You must feel some resentment. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel something.

Well…maybe…oh I can’t talk about it.

Awe come-on, you can talk to me. Who am I going to tell? Besides, I don’t need specifics – actually I don’t want specifics. I just want to make sure you’re okay.

Well…it’s just that…(sigh)…

Take your time and remember I don’t need specifics. I want to make sure you are comfortable.

I think I can talk about this.

It would probably make you feel better.

It probably would but actually, I think I can say what I need to say through an antecdote.

Another story?

Story within a story. Anyway, my brother works for a very small company. And in this small company, he works with five other people. Guess how many managers he has overseeing him and his five coworkers?

One? Two?

There are three people managing the six people on the shop floor.

Sounds like your brother and his five friends are a bunch of wild and crazy guys.

What if they weren't? What if they were just a couple of hardworking and responsibly adults? What then?

Well, that would be just silly served on a plate with a side of annoying!

What’s Going On?

Hey B, how are you doing?

I’m okay.

What’s going on in your world?

Well, right now I am still doing the job hunt thing, I went to the doctor’s office to take care of some things and I seem to be attending a lot of free community workshops.

Hmmm, not bad, how did the doctor visits go?

Overall I am healthy but there are a few health "tics" I have to work on.

"Tics?" What "tics?" Are these blood sucking "tics?" (smile)

No and you're being silly again. It seems that a little capillary broke in my eye and it leaked a little fluid. There's like this spot on my eye where I can't see. The funny part was the nurse asked what line of work I was in.

How is that funny?

I guess high stress jobs see this more often such as air traffic controllers, cops, firemen, etc. I wasn’t an air traffic controller – that’s the funny part. My job, theoretically was the least stressful of the department.

B, you have an odd sense of humor. Did the doctor’s find anything else wrong with you?

I have psoriasis.

You lush.

I said PSORIASIS not CIRRHOSIS you twit!

Oh psoriasis, of course! (wink – wink) that sounds bad. How did you get this and where is it? Wait, do I want to know…?

Why are you winking? You don’t wink at psoriasis, you nit-wit. It’s just an autoimmune thing. You can’t catch this from me so quit backing up. It’s just a small patch of flaky skin on my head where I had brain surgery and I’m quite lucky that it’s such a small patch. I have some stuff to treat it.

That’s good, I’m glad to hear you are healthy and doing well. But come on, any lingering resentment towards your old employer?

Naw, not really.

What about the photo?

Photo? What photo?

You know, the photo on your wall that you’ve been throwing darts at.

Oh, THAT photo! That’s just a picture of the unspeakable one. I've had that photo on my wall for YEARS and I must admit that after five years, my aim has drastically improved.

Bracing for Bad News

Over the years, I’ve received my share of bad news including news of illness, injury, death and loss. Over time, I’ve discovered that I only have one way to brace for bad news.

And it works for me.

It isn’t perfect but it seems to work well enough for me to use it in a variety of situations with a variety of people. I share with you in case you too need to brace yourself for bad news. Of course there are two aspects when bracing for bad news including the physical and the mental. I shall breakdown each part below into greater detail.

The Physical:
Usually I am sitting down and am not holding a pen, notebook or cup of coffee. I usually don’t throw things but I do not want to tempt fate especially if I am really angry.

The Mental:
This is where things get a little strange…I have a little chant I say in my head. It’s a simple chant. One that is easy to remember and say quickly in my mind. It’s lyrical but very powerful. It’s also really short and sweet. It does not beat around the bush for an hour while trying to get to the point. And it literally rolls off the mental tongue and bounces around the cranial cavern.

Oh, the chant, yes of course, nearly forgot: “Bring it B*tch.”

As I said, I’ve used this method a number of times and it seems work well for me. It isn’t perfect but it gets the job done. And it really does roll off the mental tongue…sometimes right out of the mind and down to the mouth as I sit at my computer and try to figure out the state’s unemployment website.

Thursday April 23rd

Sorry I was away. Last week, on Thursday, April 23rd, my employer laid me off due to lack of work…okay, it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to do, it’s just that they figured out it was getting hard to pay their employees.

Actually my "to do" list was quite long but instead of shortening that list at 10:30 am, I had to pack up all of my crap and hit the road.

Vamanos. Skedaddle. Outs-ville.

Last Thursday was rough and I wasn’t very happy during the weekend but by Monday, I realized that being laid off was not nearly as terrifying as receiving a phone call from the doctor’s regarding an MRI of the brain. A phone call that went something like this:

“Hello, Babbling Banshee?”

Speaking.

“Yes, I found something on your MRI. It’s significant and I’m afraid it might be cancer. I would like you to schedule an appointment as soon as possible to have your chest x-rayed. I’m afraid that what is in your head is malignant and has metastasized. How soon can you come in?”

Now THIS was terrifying. I can survive for a while without a job but as far as I know I need my brain to continue to breathe…and eat and move and…everything. How on earth could I have cancer in my brain?! If my brothers were correct, I didn’t even HAVE a brain to develop cancer in the first place. Were my brothers wrong??? :)

It turned out that indeed my brothers were wrong. I DID have a brain. The doctor's initial diagnosis was incorrect but I still needed morbid treatment.

And what could be more morbid than Brain surgery.

Oh, I know things have improved greatly. I know that brain surgery techniques have improved and people are surviving this surgery.

But this is not a cause for doing the Hokey Pokey...

I had to have brain surgery?! And the day of surgery was equally terrifying as the MRI phone call. I remember prepping for surgery...prepping that went something like this:

“Hi Babbling Banshee. Welcome to surgery. I need you to put your clothes in this bag and put on this gown. The nurse will come in and hook you up to an IV and then we’re going to shave your head. Do you need anything?”

“Um…I need the bathroom.”

And as the nurse shaved my head, I cried. I should mention that they did not shave all of my hair off. They only removed small patches…but I could hear them cutting my hair and shaving little patches…then I met my surgical team. They were very nice but I distinctly remember one of them carrying a gigantic needle…Dude! IT WAS HUGE! It looked like it was a foot long! WTF!

Brain surgery and scary phone calls definitely help put my job loss in perspective.

I am better and I have new blog material.

Hope you are well! :)

Oh man, not again...

Yep...looks like I have to get up at the ass crack of dawn tomorrow.

(sigh) Man oh man, it just doesn't seem...sanitary. I suppose it would be very indecent of me to start singing at this point...Oh say can you see, by the dawn's early...light. What so proudly we...

yeah, that's pretty bad.


Holy sweet cheeks Batman.

I should probably say that I'm talking about Christian Bale and not

Michael Keaton. Sorry Michael. You do have great eyes.

Emergency! Emergency! All Hands on Deck!

The Director rallies her troops and heroically answers the call to battle:

This is not a drill; all hands on deck!
This project is our number one priority!

Thanks for being so prompt everyone. As I said this is our number one priority and I would just like to take a moment to cover some key points. You may not be familiar with this project since I’ve only talked with the consultants. You also might not fully understand the sheer magnitude of this project. But make no mistake – this is extremely important for all of us as it will save my ass from an almost certain demise.
Now, let’s start with the first point…

Wait…um…is this everyone? I thought I made myself very clear by saying, “all hands on deck.”
I’m sorry; did you not understand what I said?
Could you round everyone up Frank?

Ah, that’s better, thank you Frank. As I was saying, I shall cover some key points. I talked extensively with the consultants about this and they haven’t done jack. The V.P. told me if I didn’t straighten out my ass, he'd throw it out on the street. Well, I don’t have to tell you…

Um…I guess I didn’t make myself clear?

I said, “All hands on deck.” Well? Come on…do I have to do everything for you? Yes, all hands.

Oh, well done everyone! See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?
I’m so proud of you.
See what happens when we all work together?

We can accomplish so much.


Oh, I should probably mention that we will need to make some difficult decisions to navigate this rocky road. I should also mention that we only have a limited number of tools at our disposal.

In the end, I know that we will pull together for this time of crisis. We always do. I also know that when you come together, you will see that there must be sacrifice in the end to get the job done. In the end, your sacrifice will help us complete this project!

Now just relax...

Are You Giving Thanks or Just Crap?

About four weeks ago, I received a Baudville catalog in the mail.

You have not had the pleasure of thumbing through a Baudville catalog? You are so deprived!

Please, take a look at their website at Baudville.com!

The catalog I received featured something really special on the cover. The item is too much for words to describe but I believe it really captures the essence – nay, the very soul of the American consumer, the growing concern over our environment and is economical.

On the cover of this catalog was a tin of grass. Yes! You read that right. Grass – sold in a tin.

Yep, can’t beat that!

Okay, I’m probably not being fair so below is a catalog description of this product:

“Bring some green inside with this easy-growing, organic wheat grass kit! Just add water to promote your message of going green, and watch the little seeds grow into hearty blades of grass. Cutting is easy, just use your favorite pair of scissors! Kit includes the 16oz tin container, organic wheat grass seeds, and soil.”

The above item is available for managers to purchase if they need an item to recognize and reward “green behavior” in the office. If you have a green initiative going on at your office, you might need this thing. It is made in the USA; it is recycled, recyclable or consumable and it is designed with the environment in mind.

You may sense I have a problem with this product. You would be right.

I know gifts are difficult to find. I also know that it is hard to recognize good behavior and reward it with a small budget. But grass in a tin?

Problem 1: Some people are not able to care for silk plants.

Problem 2: “Green behavior” takes time to cultivate with education AND reward.

The “GLASS & METAL” bin does not need much instruction but the bins marked “COMPOST” and “PAPER RECYCLING” are confusing. I am familiar with compost and paper recycling. I am not familiar with the terms “meal box” and “food box.” While the “meal box” should be added to the compost bin and the "food box" added to the paper recycling bin, I am not able to distinguish between the two boxes. My meal box has food in it and my food box has a meal in it so DAMMIT, I NEED SOME HELP!

Problem 3: To reward good behavior, people need to take their heads out of their collective ass.

Obviously this problem does not apply to everyone. There are many good people out there who recognize hard work or good effort. I should also say that on occasion, I too suffer from head-up-my-ass-itis. It’s embarrassing and difficult but I don’t believe grass in a tin will help solve this problem.

Problem 4: I found this product under “Gifts and Food” at the Baudville website.

I couldn’t help but notice the uncanny similarities between this product and the grass sold in the pet shops around town. From what I found, Bell Rock Growers Pet Greens offers the same benefits that the Baudville G*Thanks Seed Tin offers. Below is a product description I found at Petco:

* 100% certified organic wheatgrass seed and soil mixture
* Aids in digestion for all animals
* Provides natural hairball control
* Saves your houseplants
* High in calcium--great for reptiles
* Birds love to juice and prune

While I was impressed with the above list, I still had reservations regarding this product. I had to take a long look at the picture:

Hmmm…it is certified organic and it comes in a bag that can be used for other things once the grass is dead. Not bad! Of course I can’t help but wonder if there is an ulterior motive at work with the Baudville product. Am I really an office cat in need of a digestive aid? Should I increase my calcium intake?

I’m not sure if the grass in the tin represents a token of thanks or is an effort by HR to improve employee health. Incenting employees to think and act green might be a front to have them eat more roughage.

I should also mention that this will not quell my need to abuse and harass the leased office plants.

Problem 5: Instead of wasting money on something we don’t want, ask us what we would like to receive as a token of appreciation.

The element of surprise is not always pleasant…it's kind of like a wet hairball on the floor…that you step on...in the middle of the night.

Annual Review

Inspired by a Mutts cartoon I read:

No witnesses, no suspect, no motive, no alibi, no evidence...

and yet it's all a mystery.

The Red Flag I Didn’t See

Boy oh boy, this was a red flag that I never saw or completely ignored. I was not a fresh-faced high school kid but a reasonably educated college student (okay, fairly reasonably).

I did have a small honest excuse for ignoring the red flag: it was a full-time position WITH benefits. While I had interviewed for other full-time jobs (with benefits), I never knew someone who worked at the company. In this case, I knew someone in management and I knew her daughter.

She knew the HR Director and she promised to put in a good word for me! Wow! I was dancing on cloud nine and ten! When trying to land a job, it isn’t always necessary to know someone at the company but it doesn’t hurt.

She was not only patient and wise but very motherly with a great sense of humor.

And she proceeded to tell me all about the company. Oh! The things she told me! It was the stuff that would make a college kid drool! You know the words: “good job,” “competitive wages,” “company believes in promoting from within,” “company is progressive,” “the company believes in education and has a strong training program,” “employees make decisions” and "employees are part of the decision-making process.”

Did I mention this company had a dental plan?

Well it wasn’t long before I was knocking on the company’s door saying, “Let me in!”

And by golly, I was called for an initial interview with the HR Director immediately after I submitted my application.

I was ready.

I went into the HR Director’s office and we spoke for a long time regarding myself, my education and the company.

The HR Director was awesome. She was like an older sister who didn’t mind if you borrowed her clothes on a Saturday night and then returned her clothes on Sunday all wrinkled. She was cool and she gave a realistic overview of the company and her experience.

During the interview, I marveled at her level-headedness and plain speech (corporate-lingo free). The job sounded too good to be true. She continued to speak at great length of her years at the company. And then she said that tiny little comment.

The tiny comment made my little mind go into overdrive. “Wait, what was that comment? She said something, something really small. What did she say?”

My facial expression must have said, “I didn’t quite catch that, could you say that again?” because she repeated her teeny-tiny comment.

“Moonlighting is a great way to make money.”

Moonlighting? Isn't that a television show? Oh yeah, Bruce Willis, that's right, it's all coming back to me now. Hee! Cute show. So, do you guys really have a dental plan?

If I played my cards right, I could meet Bruce Willis at work!

Words of Encouragement that Went Horribly Wrong

Also titled: Sometimes, it’s Better Not to Say Anything.

I remember I ran into my old music director some time ago when I first began substitute teaching. I was surprised to bump into him during a “sub assignment” and I sat down with this “master teacher” to play catch up and compare war stories. I also hoped that he would share some words of advice to a newly graduated teacher.

I was really hoping.

You must understand that this man had a long and distinguished career with the school district and when I met him at this school, he was close to retirement. All of those years of instructing students would certainly lead to a treasure-trove of knowledge.

While I was not looking for a grand “passing of the torch” ceremony, I had hoped that he would share good solid information that would help me survive the realm of teaching.

I had just graduated from college and I was not employed as a full-time teacher. To make ends meet, I took a part-time job working in a deli while substituting. Perhaps he could share some pointers as to how I could survive the bureaucratic tendencies of my new school employer. Perhaps he would tell me about upcoming sub opportunities or, better yet, share valuable information that would led to my full-time employment.

I was certainly hopeful that he would share one invaluable knowledge "nugget" with a young teacher, such as me, and I cheerfully began a conversation with him.

It started out light and cordial. We discussed education credentials and scrutinized some of the state college education programs. After the thoughtful discourse, the conversation took a serious turn and the young teacher became a student once more.

“So,” the master began, “you’re substitute teaching now?”

“Oh yes!” exclaimed the young teacher while her countenance beamed. She then held her breath and waited for the master to speak.

“I just have to say…” chimed the wise master – here is the nugget of information! It took him years to aquire, assemble and refine this knowledge and now he shares it with someone he deems suitable.

He chose me - of all people! Me! Well this is pretty gosh-darn exciting and I cannot wait to scamper home and scrawl this in the personal journal. Maybe I should put this in the computer and print it out in a fancy font – it would look really cool in a frame! Sweet!

And this is the wisdom that I never received in college – you just can’t buy this stuff, you have to experience it. Live it. Breathe it.

And so, what was the nugget of information or vast treasure-trove of knowledge?

“I just have to say,” chimed the wise master, “that substitute teaching is one of the worst jobs EVER!!! I would never, ever, EVER do that in a million years!!!”

The young teacher stood in front of the wise master, her eyes wide as she gazed toward him in disbelief. She uttered a muffled syllable, “uh?”

The master carried on, oblivious to the crumbling walls that supported the young teacher. “Oh that is just the worst job in the world! I just would never, EVER do that! NEVER!”

I don’t remember too much after his last, “NEVER!” While these words were not the “final nail in the coffin,” they were added to my list of “why I don’t want to teach anymore.”

Perhaps he meant these words as encouragement for me to find full-time employment because the substitute teaching was not steady work and it had limited benefits. Whatever the reason, he told me something I already knew. Hearing him speak those words helped me evaluate my chosen career and set me on a new path.

At any rate, the school district lost another substitute teacher that year. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Or waited until summer break.

Test Results are in

I could while away the hours, conferrin' with the flowers
consultin' with the rain.

Well it took a while but the test results are in and I can finally breathe a sigh of relief.

And my head I'd be scratchin' while
my thoughts were busy hatchin' if I only had a brain.

As usually, the test results took a long time to arrive at my doorstep but their arrival marks a turning point in my life and also sheds a new light on a mysterious work problem.

I'd unravel every riddle for any individ'le
in trouble or in pain.

I was not surprised when I read the results. I believe they did a great service to me, my family, my friends and my poor colleagues.

With the thoughts you'll be thinkin'
you could be another Lincoln if you only had a brain.

This knowledge brings me enlightenment as well as a sense of empowerment. Now that I know the boundaries of my limitations and I can finally exceed them.

Oh, I could tell you why the ocean's near the shore.
I could think of things I never thunk before,
and then I'd sit, and think some more.

Who knew that my faulty brain still had the ability to find a balancing error in the millions? I must admit that it took me a while to find the error. I was rather sad because it was pretty obvious.

I would not be just a nothin' my head all full of stuffin’
my heart all full of pain.

Oddly enough, the consultants never mentioned this balancing error.

I would dance and be merry, life would be a ding-a-derry
if I only had a brain.

As it happens, I do have a brain but, as you can see from the MRI test results, it is unremarkable. I should give it adequate time to warm up first before accelerating.

Did it Work?

Hmmm...the interweb was awfully quiet today. Either that or I was not effective at selling my Sweetie's skill set through my blog.

I informed my Sweetie that I would keep my eyes peeled for any computer programming jobs offers that appeared on my blog site. As you might suspect, my blog is a continual hot bed of programmer and IS industry discussions. My knowledge of erectile dysfunction in Information Systems managers is impeccable and I am able to share this knowledge with so many people.

Well on second thought, maybe it is better that I try not to help him…

Brushing Off the Ol’ Resume

Many articles were recently published online and in the newspapers to help people deal with the down economy. Some of these articles talked about how to improve someone’s interview skills or how to dress for success in the workplace. I imagined a few weeks ago that a friend might ask for my help in reviewing his or her resume but I had no idea that I would review my Sweetie’s resume.

I’m not sure how useful my critique of his resume would be but he insisted that I look at it. Before I show you excerpt of his resume, here is a comparison of our skill sets:

Sweetie:
He is a computer programmer who knows many applications and computer languages. He has over 17 years of experience in his field and he’s worked for a few big name companies. He has experience developing web based applications as well as managing people. He tried to explain to his frizzy hair girlfriend that he installed a virtual computer on his computer…oh…head still hurts…ouch…

Me:
I am a former music teacher who realized I would go crazy if I attempted to teach children how to play the kazoo every day for the rest of my life. In an effort to find a different (and saner) job, I took some business classes at the local college. I did take an Information System class but my experience is limited on this subject because my IS professor insisted on discussing his erectile dysfunction due to prostate surgery with the class. My work history includes several odd jobs before landing my current job where I sit at a desk all day and try to be useful.

As you can tell, there is a slight difference in our work experience and knowledge base. When my Sweetie gave me a copy of his resume to review, I quickly reviewed his educational background. This is what I read (or this is what I was able to read):

1. ASP.NET
2. Something
3. Something
4. Blah
5. C+++++++++
6. Something else I can’t remember
   
   

I was pretty sure that he spelled “Blah” correctly so I moved on to his work experience:

Sweetie worked at a company from 1992 to 1995
He did blah, blah, blah, something, something blah

Sweetie worked at a different company from 1995 to 2001
He did blah, blah, blah, something, something blah

I learned two things on this day. I learned that I should trust some of my English skills (my spelling skills to be precise). I also learned that my Sweetie does stuff with things.