Showing posts with label life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label life. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Halloween Costume

We had a lot of fun at the Davis Graveyard Halloween party this year - thank you Frog Queen for the invitation!

We always have a great time at the party but this year was particularly fun because myself and my guests were able to coordinate a group costume.

That and I was able to successfully beat InDesign into submission.

I know, I know, two coups for one event, I will never be this lucky again!

I and my guests number six and we all decided that it would be lovely to dress as a team. During the brainstorming session, my Sweetie suggested the idea of a swim team and thus our costume idea was born.

It was such an tantalizing idea! We would become a cohesive unit working together to accomplish one goal. If one of us wasn't working his or her tail off, he or she would be there to support the others; cheering the rest on to victory...um, party victory...or in this case, inebriation.

As you know, every team needs a mascot and our team was no exception. And so, mustering all of my clever design skills and my astute drawing capab- a-ha-ha-ha! I crack myself up sometimes! I sat down and scribbled out a mascot and then spent the next two or three days screaming at my computer in the hopes that it would play nice and give me a descent logo that we could use for our costume.

At long last, our mascot and logo was designed and in a suitable file format. We gazed upon our mascot and felt a new sense of camaraderie that we had not felt before. Though we were already friends, we became a machine, working together for the greater good. We were in this together to accomplish our goal. We ordered our sweat clothes and coordinated meeting times with a new sense of vigor.

Were we an Olympic grade team? Who knows, but someone made gold shiny medals for everyone to wear. Her efforts helped exemplify that although we physically did not have gold Olympic medals, our mental state achieved platinum.

We gathered before the party to review our strategies and iron the logos onto our sweat clothes thus providing the feather in our caps before the big night.

Why all this effort over a swim team? Because on that night, we represented one of the most important swim teams know to man.

I should probably introduce you to our mascot. Meet Herm the Sperm!




Oh, did I mention we dressed as the Fallopian Swim Team? The blue logos were for the boys and the pink logos were for the girls.

And a big thank you to Mark for the mascot's name - it really suits him! I love the way it just rolls off my tong- um, it sounds great!

We were even good enough to qualify for sponsorship this year! Look at all the wonderful sponsors we scored!



The list of sponsors might look a little suspicious...like I randomly grabbed some of the logos off the internet and slapped them together but I can assure you that each of these logos were arranged in InDesign with the utmost care.

And many shameful naughty little words.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Ack!

The plague, the plague, I have the pla-

Okay, okay, I have a cold...so, ack!

Of course I really won't start feeling better until the political ads stop.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

And She's Back

Wow, it was July...and now it's October...

Where is my time going?

Killing zombies again? Me? No, I haven't killed zombies in a week...well, maybe a little on Friday but only Friday...oh, and for a short time on Saturday. I only killed a few zombies on Saturday.

Mind you, I did go to that wedding ceremony awhile back. I have to admit that my schedule was a tad crazy in September for that thing. And my poor Sweetie actually married me...I don't know WHAT he was thinking (I know I wouldn't have married me if I were him). Oh well, live and learn I guess.

Anyway, my Sweetie and I are now hitched. I know that I am hitched because I have tons of tiny little bars of soap in my cupboard as evidence.


Yep.


Little soaps.

And thank you Mr. Golden Nugget for all of them. A girl can't help but know that she's truly married until she gazes into her cupboard and sees THAT many miniature soaps staring back at her. Of course this means that I will need to buy soap next month but for now, my supply is good.

Tons of soap isn't the only evidence of my marriage. For example, I have new home address I can never remember and I have a strange man who wanders around the house clad only in sweaty-pants. I also received my copy of the super secret guide book that is standard issue for all married couples in the world. Of course, I am referring to the Everything You Need to Know About Him, the Dog, You, Cooking with Small and Disgruntled Appliances, How to Organize the Perfect House, Gardening for Idiots and Light Household Repairs that Make Sense and Actually Work.

I hope to receive my copy of Nefarious Smells and Their Meaning soon. It should be an invigorating read.

Oh! And I have a ring. I did receive a wedding band from the ceremony (though for a short time in Las Vegas, I wasn't sure if I was going to receive my wedding band because my Sweetie began to request things including a sparkly tiara and a full bouquet of flowers). I was able to wrestle my nosegay out of his hands briefly to walk down the aisle with my father but it disappeared soon after. I swear I heard someone singing "I Feel Pretty" from the West Side Story. It's a great song but it isn't meant for a tenor voice. I'm not saying that the singing sounded bad, I'm just saying that the voice sounded strained for the "See the pretty girl in that mirror there..." section of the song.

So anyway, I'm back...I think...at least I'm pretty sure I'm somewhere and I hope all of you had a wonderful summer.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Lesson Learned

The Boston Terrier is brave and bold little dog but what happens when a person takes said brave and bold little dog through a car wash?

Apparently that brave little dog begins to shiver. She also wants to snuggle (presumably this is a very brave form of shivering and snuggling).

And so, Puppy Daddy learned a valuable lesson that day: never again would he take the brave and bold Boston Terrier to the car wash and they all lived happily ever after.

poor lil' Sally.



Might be worth it to buy one of these kits (I've actually used the Mr. Clean - it wasn't bad. The dog stared at me contentedly from the yard while gnawing on her bone):




Similar Stories:
Hey, my Car is White

Monday, March 29, 2010

Ambivalence?

I’m not sure if I experienced ambivalence from this story but I can say that I was laughing pretty hard while feeling a sick sensation down in the pit of my stomach.

The source of these two feelings…um, one feeling and one sensation, came from a story my Sweetie told me. Several years ago, my Sweetie overheard a mother talking to her children in a park. Obviously my Sweetie overhead a tender moment shared between a mother and her children. In this story, the mother is the children’s pillar, the dispenser of wisdom and the giver of nutrition. The children are the innocents, the fresh pallets, nay, the empty vessels wherein the mother must fill with wisdom and nutrition. The mother is a cautious entity who oversees the all aspects of the children’s lives and welfare…we hope…we’re pretty sure…

We now ascend to the apex of the tender moment wherein the mother shares her wisdom and her nutrition with her children and thereby reaffirms “the pillar.” We, as the children, listen intently to her words,

“You kids have been eating junk all day. Come over and eat your Chicken McNuggets.”



I was not expecting that one. It just blindsided me!


Oh, if you need a vintage 1990's McDonald's Happy Meal Toy:



Somewhat similar stories:
A Message for the Younger Folks, Comfort Food

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Is It a Sign?

If it is a sign, I'm not sure what it means...

I should back up a bit to tell you a tale of fascination, horror and laughter. Yesterday, I was returning from jury duty (a horrible experience that I do not want to repeat - but more on that later). I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed an old Chevy Suburban behind me. The vehicle was not far behind me but my annoyance gave way to fascination when I noticed it was orange.

At this point, you're probabling saying to yourself that my story seems pretty innocent. You might even be saying to yourself, "Oh Babbling Banshee, this story couldn't possibly end THAT way. That would be INSANE!" I must add that normally you would be correct.

Even I thought that there was no way that this story could end THAT way. No one would do that sort of thing...not to a Suburban...but over the years I've discovered how often I am wrong. I underestimate people and how they function...or move...or think... I've seen spinners on a minivan and racing stripes on a Chevy Suburban (at least, I think it was a Suburban but I was laughing too hard to tell).

And so the orange Suburban finally pulled up alongside me in the right lane. Yes Virginia, it was painted like the General Lee from the Dukes of Hazzard. I'm not sure what this means in the grand scheme of the universe but it did may me laugh. In a horrified sort of way.

Friday, July 17, 2009

A Message for the Younger Folks

I know that eleven o’clock is “magic hour” where you cruise the streets with your radios turned up and your car windows rolled down but please remember that many neighborhood windows are open during these warm summer evenings.

Please keep the Billy Joel music to a reasonable volume. The older folks are trying to sleep.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Lingering Resentment

So B, I just want to double check that you are okay. Are you sure you aren’t harboring any resentment towards your old employer for being laid off?

What, me? No. Why?

Oh, I noticed in yesterday’s blog entry that when I asked you if you had any lingering resentment you stated, “naw, not really.” What did you mean by “not really?”

Boy, aren’t you Miss Nosey!

B, I’m you. You’re talking to yourself again. This isn’t exactly investigative reporting. You just seem a little out of sorts and I want to make sure everything’s okay. You’re stuck at home, you need cash and you talk to dogs all day long. You must feel frustrated, right?

Well…

I can’t say I blame you. There’s a lot of stress going on. After all, you just posted a blog entry yesterday – and you’re posting another one today. That’s very unlike you. You must feel some resentment. You wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel something.

Well…maybe…oh I can’t talk about it.

Awe come-on, you can talk to me. Who am I going to tell? Besides, I don’t need specifics – actually I don’t want specifics. I just want to make sure you’re okay.

Well…it’s just that…(sigh)…

Take your time and remember I don’t need specifics. I want to make sure you are comfortable.

I think I can talk about this.

It would probably make you feel better.

It probably would but actually, I think I can say what I need to say through an antecdote.

Another story?

Story within a story. Anyway, my brother works for a very small company. And in this small company, he works with five other people. Guess how many managers he has overseeing him and his five coworkers?

One? Two?

There are three people managing the six people on the shop floor.

Sounds like your brother and his five friends are a bunch of wild and crazy guys.

What if they weren't? What if they were just a couple of hardworking and responsibly adults? What then?

Well, that would be just silly served on a plate with a side of annoying!

Monday, May 4, 2009

How am I?

I’m okay.

I am still without a job but I am okay (of course this is only the second week of my unemployment. I am probably in the “novelty” stage.).

So, at the moment, I am on sabbatical.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Pet projects can be good

Everyone wants to give back to the community.

People want to come together and help others out. And help comes in many forms including fundraising or "increase the awareness" events. Sick and hungry children need help and social problems need to be discussed!

That's why pet projects are important. Pictured below is a rough sketch that represents a typical pet project and all the necessary ingredients to sustain even the most robust social program...to help the...the people? The people of the communi...this does help the community, right?



This program does what? This program helps the...Historical Cake Pan Society?
Oh...cake pans? Really? I didn't notice that...um...pans? No sick kids, huh?
Hmmm...I...um...that's...no I don't want any cake...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Disposed of

Welcome to our department. It’s new AND it’s improved.
We were told it should cleaned and there wasn’t much time to lose.
Everything was filthy and wrong and needed a repair,
Our disaster, it seems, reached critical mass that nobody could bear.

The garbage, the food and the boxes were simply piled too high.
The papers were also ready to fall, towering towards the sky.
Only one week to clean up the filth, the muck and the debris.
It was a tall order but it had to be done, this was our new decree!

We gutted the room and cleaned it up and scoured it until it shined.
The rancid smell, we couldn’t get rid of, we hoped you wouldn’t mind.
We mopped and we dusted, we washed and we scraped and we got it all out the door.
Despite all that cleaning, there was one tiny thing that we could no longer ignore.

It was there all along, such a horrible sight and it made us cringe and cower with fright.
But we gathered our courage and took to flight, “Grab a mop!” “Get a broom!” “Get rid of that sight!”
We gathered it up and threw it away, it took a few days but it’s safe to say,
That the mess is gone and will never come back. If you don’t believe take a look out back.



"Thank you for calling this department. Your call is very important to us, please stay on the line. We will talk to you as soon as we are able. If you are calling with regards to public health and safety, we understand your concerns. This company makes every effort to ensure the safety of it's community and public image. If you are calling with regards to prolonged exposure to this department, please hang up and dial 9-1-1. If you are calling with concerns regarding limited exposure to this department, please note there is no immediate or long term danger. You should live a fairly normal life. If you are calling regarding the disposal of this department, please note that disposal did occur and that we are carefully following federally mandated guidelines for clean up."

Friday, July 18, 2008

Upper view of butt plug crossbow



I know. It's a little work to load this puppy
but it's well worth the effort.


(sigh) I wish I had one of these suckers last week!

Monday, July 14, 2008

Some things are unavoidable

Stupidity can be difficult to avoid.

Sometimes you are able to overt your eyes but other times you are forced to look at it directly in the face...and watch out! It's like looking at the sun! You can just feel your retinas burning!

Whatever you do, don't laugh or cry! Stupidity does not like humor because it doesn't understand it.

"You are very mean to laugh at me. You made me cry," it will say.

If you cry, Stupidity will think you are being funny and laugh at you.

You can't win. You can't even talk.

Take Tweedy Dumb and Tweedy Stupid below. Try to get a word in edgewise. You can't do it because their mouths are permanently open. Even if they heard you speak, they wouldn't understand you.

It wouldn't be so bad if they just sat in a corner and ingested a ball of yarn because it sounded fun. Unfortunately they don't do that. Maybe if I set out little packets of ketchup...

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Idiots: Part III


It takes an idiot to raze a village.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Idiots: Part II


It takes a village to raise an idiot.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Idiots: Part I

Idiots, idiots everywhere,
and not a thought to think.

Friday, May 30, 2008

If the CEO farts and there's no one around...

does it still smell like sunshine and lavender?

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Thankfully, I have a creative outlet.



Pardon me...
sometimes my subconscious gets the better of me.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Microsoft's Vista:

We believe this product to be sleek,
robust AND progressive.


For 1975?

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Other effects of global warming:


Sloppy penmanship,
Poodles,
Erectile Dysfunction