Sad Day

Tuesday was a sad day for the family. After fourteen years of running, jumping, chewing and shedding, we finally lost the German shepherd to old age. As part of the family, she wore many hats and performed her duties admirably. Thankfully she entertained us while entertaining herself.

Here is a brief list of some of the hats she wore (and chewed) in the family. For she was a:


A puller of plants. When she was a puppy, she pulled out all of the corn stalks from the garden and had a great time dragging them around the yard. She finally dropped the battered stalks when she decided to take a nap.

A pruner of bushes. She destroyed two azalea bushes by pruning them down to the ground. The third and final azalea was able to survive because it was enclosed by a five foot high fence. It took time for my brothers to learn about the importance and versatility of fences during the early years. Once they learned about fences, they were able to use this knowledge to save numerous plants as well as furniture.

A chaser of the light. This dog would chase a laser light for hours while carrying a squeak toy in her mouth. When the laser light failed to move for five seconds, she would aggressively squeak her toy at it until it began to move again.

A lover of cheese. Her love of the laser light was only surpassed by her love of cheese, specifically Tillamook Cheese. At least she was a dog that appreciated good cheese.

A stealer of toys. When proud parents brought their babies over to the house, she would sneak over to the baby carrier and then snatch all of the kids’ plush toys.

A shedder of much fur. Only a chow would have more fur on its body and it would also be more discreet during the shedding process.

Another thought that comes to mind is that this strange dog would carry her stuffed toys around in her mouth. The fact that she carried stuffed toys in her mouth was not strange in and of itself but the fact that she always carried them by their butts was a tad disturbing. My brothers explained this behavior by stating “The best meat is in the rump.” We will miss you Maggie.

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Is it time?

I keep meaning to finish my story about my party at OMSI but something came up and I need to address it immediately.

So, I can’t be too sure, but I think the lady in church used hand sanitizer after she held my hand.

Which, you know…it’s okay…I’m okay with all of this, you know, and she didn’t really hide anything or nothing…she just kind of whipped it all out for everyone to see and was all “Look at me! I’m all over here with this thing all whipped out! Loooook!”

So there it was all hanging out. Squirt! Squirt! Squirt!

She seemed to take her time sanitizing herself too which is probably a good idea with everything happening now a day with the Girls Scout cookies and the orcas.

Of course, all of this activity made the little gears in my head start to move and I have to ask, is it time? Do I need to schedule another appointment to have things scraped, scrubbed and deodorized? Please let me know as my last appointment was over six months ago. Things have been busy…oh, I don’t mean to make excuses but I was hoping to make it to eight months. At least eight months (boy that would be fantastic)!

Sadly, I fear all is not to par and that I must resign myself to the semi-annual appoints of scraping, scrubbing and deodorizing…sigh, sigh, sigh…

They Say

*rustle*

*rustle* *rustle*

They say…mmm…just a moment…

*rustle*

They say you have to be smarter than the…

*rustle*

smarter than the wrapper to open it.

*rustle*

I would like to watch my DVD now…

Conversation

I received a phone call from my old alma mater the other day. These are normally awkward conversations and yesterday’s conversation was no exception.

Hello is this Babbling Banshee?

Yes, it is I.

I just need to confirm some information with you. Is “blah” correct?

Oh yes, I still live here in this house with that phone number. You will be able to call me as often as the Portland Symphony.

Okay, that’s good. So the reason I’m calling is to see if you would like to contribute this year. As you may know, tuition is going up and we -

Um, actually I don’t have a job right now. I don’t think I can afford -

Yeah, you know, we’re like getting that a lot right now. Well whatever you can donate would be help a lot. Even $25 dollars -

Actually at the moment, things are looking bleak and I –

Okay, that’s cool. You have a nice evening! Bye!

Bleak. The new cool. :)

Emergency! Emergency! All Hands on Deck!

The Director rallies her troops and heroically answers the call to battle:

This is not a drill; all hands on deck!
This project is our number one priority!

Thanks for being so prompt everyone. As I said this is our number one priority and I would just like to take a moment to cover some key points. You may not be familiar with this project since I’ve only talked with the consultants. You also might not fully understand the sheer magnitude of this project. But make no mistake – this is extremely important for all of us as it will save my ass from an almost certain demise.
Now, let’s start with the first point…

Wait…um…is this everyone? I thought I made myself very clear by saying, “all hands on deck.”
I’m sorry; did you not understand what I said?
Could you round everyone up Frank?

Ah, that’s better, thank you Frank. As I was saying, I shall cover some key points. I talked extensively with the consultants about this and they haven’t done jack. The V.P. told me if I didn’t straighten out my ass, he'd throw it out on the street. Well, I don’t have to tell you…

Um…I guess I didn’t make myself clear?

I said, “All hands on deck.” Well? Come on…do I have to do everything for you? Yes, all hands.

Oh, well done everyone! See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?
I’m so proud of you.
See what happens when we all work together?

We can accomplish so much.


Oh, I should probably mention that we will need to make some difficult decisions to navigate this rocky road. I should also mention that we only have a limited number of tools at our disposal.

In the end, I know that we will pull together for this time of crisis. We always do. I also know that when you come together, you will see that there must be sacrifice in the end to get the job done. In the end, your sacrifice will help us complete this project!

Now just relax...

The Red Flag I Didn’t See

Boy oh boy, this was a red flag that I never saw or completely ignored. I was not a fresh-faced high school kid but a reasonably educated college student (okay, fairly reasonably).

I did have a small honest excuse for ignoring the red flag: it was a full-time position WITH benefits. While I had interviewed for other full-time jobs (with benefits), I never knew someone who worked at the company. In this case, I knew someone in management and I knew her daughter.

She knew the HR Director and she promised to put in a good word for me! Wow! I was dancing on cloud nine and ten! When trying to land a job, it isn’t always necessary to know someone at the company but it doesn’t hurt.

She was not only patient and wise but very motherly with a great sense of humor.

And she proceeded to tell me all about the company. Oh! The things she told me! It was the stuff that would make a college kid drool! You know the words: “good job,” “competitive wages,” “company believes in promoting from within,” “company is progressive,” “the company believes in education and has a strong training program,” “employees make decisions” and "employees are part of the decision-making process.”

Did I mention this company had a dental plan?

Well it wasn’t long before I was knocking on the company’s door saying, “Let me in!”

And by golly, I was called for an initial interview with the HR Director immediately after I submitted my application.

I was ready.

I went into the HR Director’s office and we spoke for a long time regarding myself, my education and the company.

The HR Director was awesome. She was like an older sister who didn’t mind if you borrowed her clothes on a Saturday night and then returned her clothes on Sunday all wrinkled. She was cool and she gave a realistic overview of the company and her experience.

During the interview, I marveled at her level-headedness and plain speech (corporate-lingo free). The job sounded too good to be true. She continued to speak at great length of her years at the company. And then she said that tiny little comment.

The tiny comment made my little mind go into overdrive. “Wait, what was that comment? She said something, something really small. What did she say?”

My facial expression must have said, “I didn’t quite catch that, could you say that again?” because she repeated her teeny-tiny comment.

“Moonlighting is a great way to make money.”

Moonlighting? Isn't that a television show? Oh yeah, Bruce Willis, that's right, it's all coming back to me now. Hee! Cute show. So, do you guys really have a dental plan?

If I played my cards right, I could meet Bruce Willis at work!

My Favorite!

It’s time to pull out an inspirational saying and give the troops a pep talk!

Really?! Oh this is my favorite thing in the whole-wide-world! What’s the quote?!

You seem rather excited all of a sudden.

Who me?! Yes! Yes I am! Give me the quote! I love quotes! I can’t get enough of these quotes! Tell-me-tell-me-tell-me-now! ...........Please?!

I only have the one quote kiddo, is that going to be enough?

Is that all? That’s okay; just tell me what it is! Oh! This is so exciting; tell me right now!

You don’t look well; maybe we can do this some other time. It can wait.

WHAT?! No, wait, you’re kidding right?! You can’t be serious; you have to tell me the inspirational saying right now! I want it! I must have it!

Look, it’s just one little saying with only a few words. Let’s do this some other time like next week when I have a better quote. As the economy goes down the tubes, we all need inspirational quotes to keep spirits high and to keep those numbers up!

Inspirational sayings while inspiring do not always cut the mustard when you need them to. They are more of a delectable icing on an iresistable cake waiting for people to take a bite and savor the flavor. Now give me that icing!!!

What if the quote comes at the end of an email?

Icing.

What if the email contains sales results?

Icing. Just give me the quote.

Okay, here we go. "Snowflakes - As they float to the earth, each unique tiny flake has no idea the impact it will make. Just like the snowflakes, we are no two alike, and our results are the best when we unite. Together we can make a difference!"

So...as flakes we should...fall? Form a glacier that melts under its own weight? What if I don't want to be a flake?

Too late.

He Definitely got it Right

My Sweetie really hit the nail on the head last night. In one fell swoop, he summed up my entire life. But he didn't refer to my job or my educational background; he simply stated what I do from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm every day during the workweek.

Last night, as my Sweetie kissed me good night, he told me, “At work tomorrow, do your best to suffer through.”

I try to do my best everyday.

Today's Performance

Well, it didn’t express an opinion or an idea but it was definitely…unique? Is that the word I’m looking for?

She is a young performer and her mind seems to wander at every performance but her delivery never lacks in character or color. She isn’t a bad performer but she doesn’t seem to have a climatic point in her piece. I cannot find a central focus to her music.

And where were the dynamics?!

She has good pitch but she needs to work on dynamics! I know that fortissimo is a dynamic but you need to have contrast like piano and mezzo piano.

I use to teach music so I should be able to critique today’s performance.

Let me back up a bit. Every morning at work, my cubicle neighbor performs for three hours by clicking her mouth, smacking her lips and yawning.

For three hours.

She performs for three – solid – hours…without interruption, commercial break or intermission.

Is this humanly possible?

Some people write books, others paint and still others compose a symphony. This could be her life’s work – her true masterpiece.

Some say that a person needs to be tormented in order to be a great artist. I’m not sure what is tormenting her but, from what I can tell, it is something huge, grotesque and nasty. It probably smells bad too.

I cannot define her masterpiece of sound but I will do my best as she is relentless in constructing it. It is a cacophony of percussive tones. These tones waft through the air and are accentuated by the smells of burned popcorn and cheap coffee. My college professors never discussed how food could blend with sound to form something unique and full of meaning for the listener. In my old college days, some musicians performed their recitals while dancers expressed the music through movement. The two performances would blend together to form something unique.

The percussive sounds discharged from my neighbor’s cubicle blend with the smell of burned popcorn and cheap coffee to form a unique harmonic experience that both smells and sounds like crap.

I do not have an audio of this performance but I did transcribe an atonal phrase below:

“Click, click – slurp – smack – slurp – yawn…click, click, click…smack – click – slurp.”

As I mentioned before, she tends to wander and perform everything at one dynamic.

It is a relentless barrage of sound that I must regrettable decline. Sadly I must trade the magic of live performance for pre-recorded music of modern times. It is a shame but I am forced to use my iPod at work. I received it last year as a gift. I thought it would bring me joy but unfortunately I did not understand the full ramifications of this gift. While an iPod can never replace the experience of a live performance, it will severely hamper my ability to listen to my neighbor’s daily performance.

Pet projects can be good

Everyone wants to give back to the community.

People want to come together and help others out. And help comes in many forms including fundraising or "increase the awareness" events. Sick and hungry children need help and social problems need to be discussed!

That's why pet projects are important. Pictured below is a rough sketch that represents a typical pet project and all the necessary ingredients to sustain even the most robust social program...to help the...the people? The people of the communi...this does help the community, right?

This program does what? This program helps the...Historical Cake Pan Society?

Oh...cake pans? Really? I didn't notice that...um...pans? No sick kids, huh?

Hmmm...I...um...that's...no I don't want any cake...

We've secretly switched her coffee with decaf coffee, let's see if she notices!

Monday meetings are fun, aren't they?

They are an opportunity to reflect on all the things you didn't do over the weekend (you then kick yourself for each incomplete task). They also give you an opportunity to experience REM sleep without closing your eyelids.

What was that? You don't think that's...possible? You don't...believe me? You've never experienced REM sleep on the conference...table? Wait, wait...wait a minute! You! Yes you! You're attending productive, organized and invigorating meetings that encourages fresh ideas, positive thinking and (gasp!) encouragement?! It's you, isn't it?!

Oh, that is it, I can't take it any more! You have agendas at your meetings, don't you?! Don't lie to me, I can tell (sob)! You and your high-falutin' technology, I bet you use the dry erase board to highlight points in your conversation. Don't you know your suppose to bask in the glow of those wonderful dry erase pens? They have such a wonderful...smell and the ventilation in that meeting room doesn't work as well as it once did. You should be able to detect pen fumes in the hallway.

And what about all those stick figures you never draw on the board? How are those people suppose to exist if you don't draw them?! News reporters from the major networks always focus on extinction but non-existence is just as important.

And if Sally doesn't write, "Sally was here" on the dry erase board, we will never know that Sally stood at that board and wrote her inner most thoughts. She has thoughts, ya know, little ones! We can't increase Sally's thought size but we can increase the number of her thoughts! We should encourage Sally to think every day. She also has a soul and she should have an opportunity bear it. She could stand to bear her soul more often instead of her...um...bosom.

Besides, Monday is a time for you to listen! You get to listen to everyone talk about everything. Well, okay, maybe not what's on the agenda but that's not important!

So in conclusion, Monday meetings are a blast. I hope I remember all of this next week because there's bound to be a quiz. Normally, multiple choice quizzes are easy to complete but they take longer to finish when you're snoring.

Which one fits the round hole?

No matter how hard some people try, they just don't get it.
Thankfully there are plenty of round holes in the world that need to be filled.
Sometimes people have to use whatever is handy.

Upper view of butt plug crossbow

I know. It's a little work to load this puppy

but it's well worth the effort.

(sigh) I wish I had one of these suckers last week!

Some things are unavoidable

Stupidity can be difficult to avoid.

Sometimes you are able to overt your eyes but other times you are forced to look at it directly in the face...and watch out! It's like looking at the sun! You can just feel your retinas burning!

Whatever you do, don't laugh or cry! Stupidity does not like humor because it doesn't understand it.

"You are very mean to laugh at me. You made me cry," it will say.

If you cry, Stupidity will think you are being funny and laugh at you.

You can't win. You can't even talk.

Take Tweedy Dumb and Tweedy Stupid below. Try to get a word in edgewise. You can't do it because their mouths are permanently open. Even if they heard you speak, they wouldn't understand you.

It wouldn't be so bad if they just sat in a corner and ingested a ball of yarn because it sounded fun. Unfortunately they don't do that. Maybe if I set out little packets of ketchup...

Oh Disney...

 With all of the recent new on Britney Spears, when did Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
 become Titty-Titty Bang! Bang!?

Thank You Harvard!

"A lot of times in politics you have people look you in the eye and

tell you what's not on their mind." --George W. Bush, Sochi, Russia, April 6, 2008

"The decisions we make in Washington have a direct impact on the people in our country, obviously." --George W. Bush, New Albany, Ind., Nov. 13, 2007

"As yesterday's positive report card shows,

childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured."

--George W. Bush, on the No Child Left Behind Act, Washington, D.C., Sept. 26, 2007

"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas." --George W. Bush, on the former South African president, who is still very much alive, Washington, D.C., Sept. 20, 2007

"My relationship with this good man is where I've been focused, and that's where my concentration is. And I don't regret any other aspect of it. And so I -- we filled a lot of space together." --George W. Bush, on British Prime Minister Tony Blair,

Washington, D.C., May 17, 2007

Microsoft's Vista:

We believe this product to be sleek,

robust AND progressive.

For 1975?

Today, invest in your retirement plan.

Buy a lottery ticket.

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To my furry partner in crime.

Rest in peace.

Your days are filled with:

Yesterday you soared.

Today...well...that's a different story...