Setting the Record Straight

I just want to let you know that I was not the bearer of bad news today.

I use to be the bearer of bad news at work and at home but no more! I’ve turned a new leaf! I’ve learned my lesson and my lips are sealed! Here are some examples of the new mantras I chant:

Sales are strong!

Business is booming!

The economy is doing great!

The weather is sunny and that is not an error message on your monitor saying, “PC load letter!”

Oh, by the way, your great aunt who has terminal cancer finally moved to her beloved exotic island so that she could paint pictures of all of her new young native lovers. She is alive and well but the village where she lives does not have a telephone so you will never be able to talk with her again.

Besides, she’ll be too busy painting all those cute boys and drinking delicious fruity drinks to talk to you!

See? It’s all rainbows, lollipops and unicorns from here on out. And if you heard otherwise, remember, you did not hear it from me!

Probably should have had one of these suckers in the room!

Remotely Similar Stories
A Fresh Start, Job Listing on Craigslist, Preventing Chubby Demons

Ambivalence?

I’m not sure if I experienced ambivalence from this story but I can say that I was laughing pretty hard while feeling a sick sensation down in the pit of my stomach.

The source of these two feelings…um, one feeling and one sensation, came from a story my Sweetie told me. Several years ago, my Sweetie overheard a mother talking to her children in a park. Obviously my Sweetie overhead a tender moment shared between a mother and her children. In this story, the mother is the children’s pillar, the dispenser of wisdom and the giver of nutrition. The children are the innocents, the fresh pallets, nay, the empty vessels wherein the mother must fill with wisdom and nutrition. The mother is a cautious entity who oversees the all aspects of the children’s lives and welfare…we hope…we’re pretty sure…

We now ascend to the apex of the tender moment wherein the mother shares her wisdom and her nutrition with her children and thereby reaffirms “the pillar.” We, as the children, listen intently to her words,

“You kids have been eating junk all day. Come over and eat your Chicken McNuggets.”



I was not expecting that one. It just blindsided me!


Oh, if you need a vintage 1990's McDonald's Happy Meal Toy:



Somewhat similar stories:
A Message for the Younger Folks, Comfort Food

Dilemma

What do you do when a man laments he has no chest hair?

Offer consoling words?

Buy him a chest wig?

I find these situations to be rather difficult.

Chest wigs available for the furless!

A Message for the Younger Folks

I know that eleven o’clock is “magic hour” where you cruise the streets with your radios turned up and your car windows rolled down but please remember that many neighborhood windows are open during these warm summer evenings.

Please keep the Billy Joel music to a reasonable volume. The older folks are trying to sleep.

What’s Going On?

Hey B, how are you doing?

I’m okay.

What’s going on in your world?

Well, right now I am still doing the job hunt thing, I went to the doctor’s office to take care of some things and I seem to be attending a lot of free community workshops.

Hmmm, not bad, how did the doctor visits go?

Overall I am healthy but there are a few health "tics" I have to work on.

"Tics?" What "tics?" Are these blood sucking "tics?" (smile)

No and you're being silly again. It seems that a little capillary broke in my eye and it leaked a little fluid. There's like this spot on my eye where I can't see. The funny part was the nurse asked what line of work I was in.

How is that funny?

I guess high stress jobs see this more often such as air traffic controllers, cops, firemen, etc. I wasn’t an air traffic controller – that’s the funny part. My job, theoretically was the least stressful of the department.

B, you have an odd sense of humor. Did the doctor’s find anything else wrong with you?

I have psoriasis.

You lush.

I said PSORIASIS not CIRRHOSIS you twit!

Oh psoriasis, of course! (wink – wink) that sounds bad. How did you get this and where is it? Wait, do I want to know…?

Why are you winking? You don’t wink at psoriasis, you nit-wit. It’s just an autoimmune thing. You can’t catch this from me so quit backing up. It’s just a small patch of flaky skin on my head where I had brain surgery and I’m quite lucky that it’s such a small patch. I have some stuff to treat it.

That’s good, I’m glad to hear you are healthy and doing well. But come on, any lingering resentment towards your old employer?

Naw, not really.

What about the photo?

Photo? What photo?

You know, the photo on your wall that you’ve been throwing darts at.

Oh, THAT photo! That’s just a picture of the unspeakable one. I've had that photo on my wall for YEARS and I must admit that after five years, my aim has drastically improved.

Thursday April 23rd

Sorry I was away. Last week, on Thursday, April 23rd, my employer laid me off due to lack of work…okay, it wasn’t that I didn’t have anything to do, it’s just that they figured out it was getting hard to pay their employees.

Actually my "to do" list was quite long but instead of shortening that list at 10:30 am, I had to pack up all of my crap and hit the road.

Vamanos. Skedaddle. Outs-ville.

Last Thursday was rough and I wasn’t very happy during the weekend but by Monday, I realized that being laid off was not nearly as terrifying as receiving a phone call from the doctor’s regarding an MRI of the brain. A phone call that went something like this:

“Hello, Babbling Banshee?”

Speaking.

“Yes, I found something on your MRI. It’s significant and I’m afraid it might be cancer. I would like you to schedule an appointment as soon as possible to have your chest x-rayed. I’m afraid that what is in your head is malignant and has metastasized. How soon can you come in?”

Now THIS was terrifying. I can survive for a while without a job but as far as I know I need my brain to continue to breathe…and eat and move and…everything. How on earth could I have cancer in my brain?! If my brothers were correct, I didn’t even HAVE a brain to develop cancer in the first place. Were my brothers wrong??? :)

It turned out that indeed my brothers were wrong. I DID have a brain. The doctor's initial diagnosis was incorrect but I still needed morbid treatment.

And what could be more morbid than Brain surgery.

Oh, I know things have improved greatly. I know that brain surgery techniques have improved and people are surviving this surgery.

But this is not a cause for doing the Hokey Pokey...

I had to have brain surgery?! And the day of surgery was equally terrifying as the MRI phone call. I remember prepping for surgery...prepping that went something like this:

“Hi Babbling Banshee. Welcome to surgery. I need you to put your clothes in this bag and put on this gown. The nurse will come in and hook you up to an IV and then we’re going to shave your head. Do you need anything?”

“Um…I need the bathroom.”

And as the nurse shaved my head, I cried. I should mention that they did not shave all of my hair off. They only removed small patches…but I could hear them cutting my hair and shaving little patches…then I met my surgical team. They were very nice but I distinctly remember one of them carrying a gigantic needle…Dude! IT WAS HUGE! It looked like it was a foot long! WTF!

Brain surgery and scary phone calls definitely help put my job loss in perspective.

I am better and I have new blog material.

Hope you are well! :)

How do Conversations do That?

As you may know, I talk a lot. It doesn’t seem to matter what I converse about but that I keep the conversation going…forever.

I would not describe this “continuo of conversation” as a personal goal but rather a celebration of ideas and interests as well as a sense of discovery.

I have to admit however that these conversations are long and sometimes slightly out of control. The length of the conversation never surprises me but the topics I end up talking about are a bit…unusual.

I’m talking about green snot unusual.

While there is no need to consult a doctor for these benign topics, I sometimes have to ask, “how did the conversation turn into this?” A fifteen minute chit-chat might turn into an hour long in-depth discussion that starts with a simple list of weekend activities before seguing to origami and deviled eggs recipes and then landing on Amway and John Tesh.

Does this mean we will talk about Yanni next?

Is Yanni still around?

I don’t want to hamper or control these lively conversational journeys but I would love to know how questions on departmental supplies turned into discussion about practical jokes or packing peanuts.

I may never find the answer to this conversational conundrum but I may also have a larger issue to face. I suppose the greatest issue that I face is that I should get back to work.

Words of Encouragement that Went Horribly Wrong

Also titled: Sometimes, it’s Better Not to Say Anything.

I remember I ran into my old music director some time ago when I first began substitute teaching. I was surprised to bump into him during a “sub assignment” and I sat down with this “master teacher” to play catch up and compare war stories. I also hoped that he would share some words of advice to a newly graduated teacher.

I was really hoping.

You must understand that this man had a long and distinguished career with the school district and when I met him at this school, he was close to retirement. All of those years of instructing students would certainly lead to a treasure-trove of knowledge.

While I was not looking for a grand “passing of the torch” ceremony, I had hoped that he would share good solid information that would help me survive the realm of teaching.

I had just graduated from college and I was not employed as a full-time teacher. To make ends meet, I took a part-time job working in a deli while substituting. Perhaps he could share some pointers as to how I could survive the bureaucratic tendencies of my new school employer. Perhaps he would tell me about upcoming sub opportunities or, better yet, share valuable information that would led to my full-time employment.

I was certainly hopeful that he would share one invaluable knowledge "nugget" with a young teacher, such as me, and I cheerfully began a conversation with him.

It started out light and cordial. We discussed education credentials and scrutinized some of the state college education programs. After the thoughtful discourse, the conversation took a serious turn and the young teacher became a student once more.

“So,” the master began, “you’re substitute teaching now?”

“Oh yes!” exclaimed the young teacher while her countenance beamed. She then held her breath and waited for the master to speak.

“I just have to say…” chimed the wise master – here is the nugget of information! It took him years to aquire, assemble and refine this knowledge and now he shares it with someone he deems suitable.

He chose me - of all people! Me! Well this is pretty gosh-darn exciting and I cannot wait to scamper home and scrawl this in the personal journal. Maybe I should put this in the computer and print it out in a fancy font – it would look really cool in a frame! Sweet!

And this is the wisdom that I never received in college – you just can’t buy this stuff, you have to experience it. Live it. Breathe it.

And so, what was the nugget of information or vast treasure-trove of knowledge?

“I just have to say,” chimed the wise master, “that substitute teaching is one of the worst jobs EVER!!! I would never, ever, EVER do that in a million years!!!”

The young teacher stood in front of the wise master, her eyes wide as she gazed toward him in disbelief. She uttered a muffled syllable, “uh?”

The master carried on, oblivious to the crumbling walls that supported the young teacher. “Oh that is just the worst job in the world! I just would never, EVER do that! NEVER!”

I don’t remember too much after his last, “NEVER!” While these words were not the “final nail in the coffin,” they were added to my list of “why I don’t want to teach anymore.”

Perhaps he meant these words as encouragement for me to find full-time employment because the substitute teaching was not steady work and it had limited benefits. Whatever the reason, he told me something I already knew. Hearing him speak those words helped me evaluate my chosen career and set me on a new path.

At any rate, the school district lost another substitute teacher that year. Maybe he shouldn’t have said anything. Or waited until summer break.

My Favorite!

It’s time to pull out an inspirational saying and give the troops a pep talk!

Really?! Oh this is my favorite thing in the whole-wide-world! What’s the quote?!

You seem rather excited all of a sudden.

Who me?! Yes! Yes I am! Give me the quote! I love quotes! I can’t get enough of these quotes! Tell-me-tell-me-tell-me-now! ...........Please?!

I only have the one quote kiddo, is that going to be enough?

Is that all? That’s okay; just tell me what it is! Oh! This is so exciting; tell me right now!

You don’t look well; maybe we can do this some other time. It can wait.

WHAT?! No, wait, you’re kidding right?! You can’t be serious; you have to tell me the inspirational saying right now! I want it! I must have it!

Look, it’s just one little saying with only a few words. Let’s do this some other time like next week when I have a better quote. As the economy goes down the tubes, we all need inspirational quotes to keep spirits high and to keep those numbers up!

Inspirational sayings while inspiring do not always cut the mustard when you need them to. They are more of a delectable icing on an iresistable cake waiting for people to take a bite and savor the flavor. Now give me that icing!!!

What if the quote comes at the end of an email?

Icing.

What if the email contains sales results?

Icing. Just give me the quote.

Okay, here we go. "Snowflakes - As they float to the earth, each unique tiny flake has no idea the impact it will make. Just like the snowflakes, we are no two alike, and our results are the best when we unite. Together we can make a difference!"

So...as flakes we should...fall? Form a glacier that melts under its own weight? What if I don't want to be a flake?

Too late.

He Definitely got it Right

My Sweetie really hit the nail on the head last night. In one fell swoop, he summed up my entire life. But he didn't refer to my job or my educational background; he simply stated what I do from 8:00 am to 5:00 pm every day during the workweek.

Last night, as my Sweetie kissed me good night, he told me, “At work tomorrow, do your best to suffer through.”

I try to do my best everyday.

The Sound of Silence

I am known to stick my foot in my mouth. On occasion, I also kill many things including: good conversations, patience of friends and family, time and multiple trains of thoughts. I’m not proud of this fact. Please know that this is not my goal…its just that…well, it just…happens.

Here’s an example:

A couple of years ago, I was talking with the Frog Queen when the CEO wandered into our department. He had a few questions for the Frog Queen about some “CEO thing” after which he started to talk to us about his plans for summer.

The CEO exclaimed, “I’m going to New Orleans to hear some jazz – this is going to be great! What are you doing this summer Frog Queen?”


Frog Queen answered, “New Orleans, how fun! Me and my husband going to Ashland to see some plays! We are so excited!”

The CEO replied, “Ashland sounds fun too!” Then he turned to me and asked, “How about you Babbling Banshee, what will you be doing this summer?”


After a long pause I answered, “I get to have…brain surgery.”


I killed that conversation in two seconds flat.

Idiots: Part III

It takes an idiot to raze a village.

Idiots: Part II

It takes a village to raise an idiot.

Idiots: Part I

Idiots, idiots everywhere,

and not a thought to think.

Comfort Food:

It knows all the right words to say.

Marketing:

We make fantasy a reality.

It's what we know.

It's what we do best.

Earth Day 2009

Go out and celebrate by buying that coal burning

plant you've always wanted.

Cake hole or pie hole?

The debate continues.

You can stuff them both in a very similar fashion.