Odd Things

Each year, I find that the frequency of me saying odd things increases…in fact this sentence was very strange for me to write (even though I submitted English papers in college, my attempts to write in this language were often thwarted by the all of the confusing rules. My poor little brain would freeze like an IBM compatible and need rebooting. I cannot tell you how many Sunday afternoons were spent with my head lying on my pillow, English paper and pencil in hand as I napped in a bewildered state).

I also majored in music so that wasn't very helpful.

So anyway, I say a lot of odd things.

At this point, I should clarify that I am not talking about those oh-so-freaky-moments when I speak to another person and I utter a phrase that came from my mother. While this kind of moment is “slightly bone chilling, almost wet my pants, in no way am I turning into my mother so don’t you dare give me that look Missy;” it still doesn’t quite measure up to some of the really odd things that I say to people.

Take this email that I wrote yesterday:

“Please select two other veggies for tonight’s dinner. I am sorry to say that pork rinds do not count as vegetables.”

An odd comment and apparently I needed to say it because it appears in an email that resides in my “out” box. Perhaps one day, they will find a cure for my compulsion to say odd things and when that day comes, I will be able to live a somewhat normal life. Of course the side effects from this cure may include headache, dizziness, dry mouth, abdominal pain, bloating, constipation, diarrhea, incontinence, difficulty urinating, flatulence and other fun things that will delight and entertain small children and grown men alike.

Dude! They have microwaveable pork rinds?! Original and spicy?! I have got to get out of the house more often...or maybe never leave my office, my desk or the internet.




Vaguely Similar Stories:
Just Can't Make This Up, Random Thoughts II, Random Thoughts of The Day

Just Can’t Make This Up

I meant to write a blog entry all day, but I was blocked by a lack of time, low energy and zero focus.

As luck would have it, I came upon several strange and wonderful (creatively speaking) Associated Press and Reuters articles featuring odd bits of news. Individually these articles deal with death, violence and drunken badgers – pretty serious subjects but together, these articles become more than the sum of their parts. They seem to form a gestalt entity if you will, more powerful than Voltron or Legion, that wields…okay, maybe not that far…

But I have to admit, I just can’t make this stuff up. Take a look at what the Associated Press and Reuters found:

1. Man dies after falling into vat of chocolate in NJ – AP
2. Cops: Nude man shows up at dental office days late – AP
3. Drunk badger blocks German road – AFP
4. Drunk badger disrupts traffic in Germany – Reuters
5. Ohio woman, 75, accused of beating fawn to death – AP
6. U.S. chicken feet are being booted out of China – Reuters
7. Game show looks to convert atheists – Reuters
8. Drunken tractor driver leads police on slow chase – Reuters
9. It’s not slang! Nev. Court permits ‘HOE’ license – AP
10. Turtles crawl on runway, delay flights at JFK – AP
11. Man ‘driving commando’ pulled over for speeding – AP

As they say, truth is stranger than fiction.

Just Wondering Out Loud Again

While recently watching the news on the economy, I couldn't help but wonder if management in some of the industries would resort to cannibalism.

Rabbits, when afraid, will attack and kill their own young but they don't eat their young. Using the young as a food source would be foolish as the young would not be adequate sources of nutrition or calories.

A better practice for management to adopt would be for them to absorb the power of their enemies through political or PR battles.

Random Thoughts II

I’m not really a person who sees the glass as half full or half empty because the damn thing is missing!

Do you get a free box of Pop Tarts with every presidential pardon?

The television show Sober Living probably does make an excellent drinking game but I’m having trouble trying to figure out the rules. Here’s what I have so far:
Take a sip every time someone swears.
Take a drink if someone hugs another person.
Take two drinks if someone cries.
Take a big swig if heroin is found.
Finish drink if public service commercial about addiction airs.

Economic Stimulus Package would probably be a great name for a sex toy.

After I die, I hope that I look as good as Orville Redenbacher. For a dead guy, he looked great in the commercials that aired over the holiday season.

Just a Doodle

What the - Babbling Banshee, what on earth is this?

This drawing? It's just what you see.

Hmmm…well, it looks like a stick figure juggling some balls with his clothes are around his feet. Is that what this drawing is about?

This drawing? Oh, it’s just a doodle.

How do Conversations do That?

As you may know, I talk a lot. It doesn’t seem to matter what I converse about but that I keep the conversation going…forever.

I would not describe this “continuo of conversation” as a personal goal but rather a celebration of ideas and interests as well as a sense of discovery.

I have to admit however that these conversations are long and sometimes slightly out of control. The length of the conversation never surprises me but the topics I end up talking about are a bit…unusual.

I’m talking about green snot unusual.

While there is no need to consult a doctor for these benign topics, I sometimes have to ask, “how did the conversation turn into this?” A fifteen minute chit-chat might turn into an hour long in-depth discussion that starts with a simple list of weekend activities before seguing to origami and deviled eggs recipes and then landing on Amway and John Tesh.

Does this mean we will talk about Yanni next?

Is Yanni still around?

I don’t want to hamper or control these lively conversational journeys but I would love to know how questions on departmental supplies turned into discussion about practical jokes or packing peanuts.

I may never find the answer to this conversational conundrum but I may also have a larger issue to face. I suppose the greatest issue that I face is that I should get back to work.

Organizational Chart

Everyday on my way to work, I drive by a huge field. On one side of the field, there is a line of young trees. Giant birds of prey insist on perching in these trees to survey the field for their next meal. There must be tons of food wandering around in the field because the birds are there every day.

I like looking at the birds because so many of their fields were recently plowed under and turned into housing developments and strip malls. While I like seeing these guys, I have to laugh at them because the limbs on the trees are thin and cannot support the weight of the bird without bending. Also the bird is flopping around a bit in the tree from the wind, rain or that the branch breaking.

When I look at these giant birds in these tiny trees, I can't help but think about how they represent what happens in some companys. There are all these huge fish in a tiny pond but of course fish don't look like magnificent creatures, especially when they are sitting in trees. So these raptors do a better job to represent the magnificent creatures of a company.

Below is a watercolor rendition of a raptor in a tree.


Unfortunately I only had time to paint one bird. If I had started painting earlier in the day, I could have added more birds to the tree thus creating an organizational chart.

Google Analytics

I like Google Analytics because it gives me insight into my blog.

For example I can see how many people visited my blog, what city they live in and even the key words they used to find my site – which is actually my favorite. Some people recently found my blog using these words: “butt plug,” “vagina voters” and “strange gifts.”

I’m not sure what kind of insight this gives me but I’m pretty sure that I’ll be able to buy a magic potion from the wizard in the near future.

Random Thoughts of the Day

The sh*t that scares the hell out of me could be considered Holy Sh*t.

I love the phrase, "If you can dream it, you can do it" but it doesn't seem to cover my hallucinations.

Mini-conversation that I had with myself:
Me, "Hey look! I got some coprolite."
Myself, "No sh*t!"
Me, "Ancient sh*t!"


Ever notice how the Eskimo in the Alaska Airlines logo looks like Michael Landon?


For National Boss Day, give your boss the gift that keeps on giving: the Prisoner's Dilemma.

They say you can't make an omelet without cracking eggs but actually you can. They come in these milk carton thingies, they're great! I also hear that the egg whites are healthier for you anyway.

The person who never has any regrets in his life because everything is a learning experience obviously never sawed off his own limb.

Nothing can express sheer joy or sheer grief like a Mylar balloon. Nothing.

I am not a caffeine-junky. I just like the taste.

Idiots, idiots everywhere and not a thought to think.

Happy cows may come from California but I bet they vacation in Vegas.

New Thought for the Day:

I wonder who will receive a presidential pardon from President Bush on his last day in office.

Hmmm…that’s a noodle-scratcher!

Don’t Like the Telephone

Well, not right now…

It became the deliverer of very bad news this pass week. This not the first time I received bad news over the phone nor will it be the last.

Ever notice how bad news starts out bad but ends worse? It's a difficult phrase spoken after an awkward pause. You realize after a few seconds that the news is bad but the news keeps getting worse. Reality sets in and you can’t believe what you just heard.

Here are some of the worst phrases I’ve heard over the phone:

“Can I speak to your mother, it’s about Grandma…”

“We found something on your MRI…”

“I just found out that my Dad…”

Oh, it isn’t always bad news. Sometimes the news is good. I also have to admit that I would rather receive bad news than no news. But Mr. Alexander Graham Bell, I must take exception to your invention for I cannot receive or send a hug.

Without a hug, the above words are almost too much to bear.

Other Ponderables

I had to take a small break from commenting on the voodoo dolls especially when I read my horoscope last night.

I actually prefer reading my horoscope late in the evening. I realized a long time ago that horoscopes were not my thing. Leo always seems to have the best horoscopes while mine (Aries) are either wimpy or impossibly vague.

Seriously.

The horoscopes for Aries suck ass – and Aries are listed first in the horoscope so, every morning, I am the first in line to suck ass.

Anyway, reading my horoscope at the end of the day provides me with these three things:

1. Helps me evaluate my day.
2. Lulls me into a hypnotic trance for another sleepless night.
3. Provides evidence that people can spell and form complete sentences unlike some members of the Associated Press.

But I had a bit of trouble interpreting my horoscope yesterday. Here it is, written by Holiday Mathis from Creators Syndicate:

“The decision is yours and yours alone – for a limited time only. If you decide not to make it, it will be made for you. Either way, you’re taken care of, so be happy and worry-free.”

Well…it does accomplish number two and three on my list but I don’t know about number one…

I can’t really evaluate my day because I made no decisions yesterday. Okay, no important decisions unless this is referring to the clerk asking me if I wanted sweetener in my Starbucks ice tea. I would hope a horoscope wouldn’t worry about such trivial things in people’s lives but I could be wrong.

After all, horoscopes do not come with any disclosures. For example, all of the commercials for Oregon State Lottery say that the lottery “should be considered a form of entertainment and should not be played for investment purposes.” Maybe this horoscope isn’t talking about the sweetener in my ice tea but all of the baby boomers who have to decide whether to sell their failing stocks or keep them. Maybe it refers to people stricken with cancer who need to decide if they should have risky surgery. The surgery may only extend their lives for six months. Maybe horoscopes are meant to help people make these kinds of decisions.

Or maybe the horoscope is for entertainment purposes only and it did refer to the sweetener in my ice tea.

She still forgot to add it to my tea.

Common Sense versus Idiocy

Common Sense says, “Turn off your cell phone before the meeting begins. People might find it rude and disruptive.”

Idiocy asks, “Why bother turning off your cell? You look important when someone interrupts your meeting to let you know that the mechanic is finished with your car."

Common Sense states, “Always have an agenda for your meeting. It helps to organize your thoughts and manage your time (both of which are valuable).”

Idiocy screams, “If you have no agenda, you shouldn't have a meeting, right?! Ha!!! You have to sit in your chair for an hour listening to everyone drone on about his or her weekend. Did Timmy learn to drive? Did little Amber discovered the magic of pop cycle sticks? Fasinating!”

Common Sense claims, “Try to avoid buzz words, especially when you speak with people outside your industry. They might confuse or distract your audience.”

Idiocy demands, “You will look and sound more intelligent if you use buzz words in every conversation! Everyone may look confused but in reality, they are secretly impressed!”

Common Sense whispers “Trust yourself and everyone you work with. A relationship at work is like a marriage. Without trust, it will not survive.”

Idiocy proclaims, “What?! Are you crazy?! You can’t trust these numbskulls! And when you least expect it, one of them will leave you high and dry! Trust no one. Not even yourself.”

How accents affect words

"The lard be with you."

"And also...with you..."

Sometimes it pays to look cute.

Sometimes you don't get jack sh*t.

If you drink enough coffee

the voices in your head will eventually stop talking to you.

Today:

Calculate how much the world owes you.

Tonight's big match:

Stupid Young Optimist

or

Cantankerous Old Pessimist

I wonder.

Cake hole or pie hole?

The debate continues.

You can stuff them both in a very similar fashion.

You are special

You're not one in a million,

you're one of a million.

You're as special as your mother thinks.